I was speaking to my wife Sunday morning. She mentioned some new study about morality and inhibition and sexual that she had found interesting. Without any thought other than to encourage her, I responded that I hoped it would help her in dealing with some of her issues. I said it in the nicest most unassuming way possible, mainly because I didn't mean anything whatsoever by the comment. It was on a scale of "oh, that's interesting. Are you goiong to try that diet?".
In any case, she threw a plat full of food at me. It seems that she thought we were all fixed up. Evidently, she has forgotten, or neglected to review the goals we had set for ourselves.
So, we at least have a pulse in that there is some frequency to our encounters, but old FrankyStein is still pretty dead. We do have the occasional bit of fun - she had a couple too many a week or so ago. Enough so that Mr. Inhibit left the building and she was free to roam. *WE* had a good time - both of us.
I decided to write her yet another letter and detail how serious things are. The rough draft (very) is below, but be sure to read my comments after the letter.
--------------- START LETTER --------------------- No passion No desire (except when drinking) Inhibitions
Typically, inhibitions go away as desire increases.
You thought the problem was solved with increased frequency because you got mad when reference was made to ongoing sexual issues, even though the reference was constructive. Tossed food is proof.
The problem is not fixed simply by increasing frequency. Maybe you are incapable of desire or passion. I find that hard to believe, but maybe there is a capacity issue with no corrosponding, underlying, emotional issue.
I am having an increasingly difficult time having desire under the circumstances. I am having to fight not to have an aversion to sex with you. Having formulaic sex makes this even more difficult.
I used to practice being 'long winded'. Now when I manage it, I sense (and correctly so) that you just want the act over. This relates back to the sex with desire/passion issue. In my mind sex is fun. Making it last longer is just a logical extension of sex being fun.
I am finding myself obsessed (once again) in trying to find resolution with this untennable situation, not unlike the previous similar one of the past 12+ years. I am unable to train my mind to ignore the shortcomings in our sexual relationship. They are too great to ignore. I simply can not continue to provide you with a loving and secure relationship while my needs go unmet. What is worse, either you refuse to see this problem (and deal with it), or you are blind as to it's existance.
In your mind, you probably can't figure out how to fix it. That's because a formula won't fix it. It is a *my* emotional need. Cooking, cleaning, home making, smiling, being sweet and bubly won't fix the problem. Neither will ignoring it.
I find myself devoting more and more time considering what it will be like to live alone again. I don't mean leaving you to punish you in some lame attempt at reconcilliation, but removing myself from the source of continuous pain, while facillitating the hunt for a more compatible partner (if there is any such animal).
I do realize how important love, family and history are, but I have suffered for decades with no real resolution in sight. I don't want to wait until I am too old or incapable of experiencing that for which I have longed for so many years. Again, it isn't just the sex, it is being wanted and desired, something you have rarely doubted from me to you.
Other than a few times in our relationship, I have consistantly let you know how much I want you. I have never made you feel unattractive.
Go ahead and flame back. I was and still am willing to kill our business, or be poor or whatever to chase around the country with you. I am willing to do whatever you need to be happy, except give up my sexual needs. What I can't do is sincerely be what you need when I have starved for so many years.
Maybe you will find many things that I have done over the years that have killed your desire for me. If that is true, then why have you punished me for so long without telling me why?
I really hate writing this letter. It means days (or longer) of hurt feelings, and the possibility of even more damage to our relationship. If I could figure out how to kill my feelings, I would. I have tried, at least a dozen ways, even drugs. No banana. I even tried to kill my sex drive. Didn't work. I have tried to ignore it, work so much that I didn't have time for it. I have sung, written novels, done all manner of stuff trying to ignore the problem. I have courted you, bought you presents, been extra sweet for weeks, cuddled, watched movies, everything I could think of to make you want me. Most of the time, what I ended up with was a very contented wife, fast asleep on the sofa.
If all of a sudden, you wake up and see that you just didn't "get it" all these years, I have some forgiveness ready immediately for you. If you knew and did nothing for so long, then I strongly doubt that I will ever be able to let that go, try as I might.
Regardless of where you are right now, I need you to respond to this letter now. If you realize that our relationship has been seriously harmed by the lack of desire and passion, but feel like we can repair the damage, please let me know. If you think that the problems are mostly mine, then there is no need to respond.
-------- END LETTER ---------------
I have not given this letter to her. I love her. I don't want to go through or put her through even more hurt. There is one last bit of hope. This morning, I climbed out of bed, walked to the hallway and stood there, buck naked, sporting a really decent woody, and spoke to my wife in the living room. I asked her a simple question. "What will it take for you to lust after me? More muscle, time in the gym, what?" For the record, I am already very muscular. I am sure I could tone up a few places, but I am a handsome, well built guy. She responded "I love you just like you are". I responded "That is NOT what I asked you. I asked you what it would take to make you lust after me". She said "are you serious?" I said "Of course!".
Folks. She was dumbfounded and didn't know what to say. Either she has no idea what it is like to desire, or she didn't realize what I have been asking for all this time. Maybe she just got pinned and didn't know what to say.
We haven't spoken much since that exchange.
Sorry about the length of the post and the spelling/grammatical errors, I am just too tired to address the latter part.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
