I do agree with the spirit of this post. It's the year or more of this that I don't like. Not that I'm waiting for her, it's just no fun to be alone. She's not alone, but I am because I don't want my kids to deal with someone new in their life, and I'm not 'over' W.
The reason I put a seemingly arbitrary timeline of one year is for both your sakes (if you want to redeem the marriage).
Why?
You used strategies last time and won her back, but didn't really undergo any deep personal change. She didn't undergo any real change or ephiphany, she never faced consequences for her actions, she simply got disillusioned with OM and decided she would "will" herself into becoming a wife again. Neither of you changed or really grew stronger, the same dynamics applied and the same drama played itself out three years later. You think you changed, and you really didn't -- you just spent yourself trying to save the marriage. She thought she had changed, and really didn't -- she resigned herself to "be a wife", to use her language.
I think, and I can be wrong, here that neither of you can effectively change if she's allowed to live at home while having an affair. You will implode and she'll remain in her fog. In other words, you can't survive, much less get a life with her living under the same roof playing the MLC cat and mouse game with an affair on top of that. And it seems that she won't change, either with baby-steps or with a dramatic epiphany while you enable her infidelity/MLC/disrespect for you. She needs consequences and reality.
Our moderator rightly points out that baby-steps and small changes occur and often we miss them because we aren't looking for them. If we see them, then we end up being encouraged and it gives us strength to persevere. We are like DB-ing bloodhounds sniffing for clues (crumbs/babysteps) which lead us further along the trail until we win the prize -- our spouses back. That's chapter 2 of Divorce Remedy. It's the textbook approach.
While we do this, we are supposed to be on a continuous path of self-care, getting a life, losing weight, going to the gym, "discovering" ourselves and making ourselves the better option. Partly for us, but also to win back our spouses.
I don't disagree with it. I think, however, that situations that are long-running 2-5 years might not lend themselves to such a marathon approach. It might be too exhausting to continue. Most of the cases I see on the boards where the textbook approach worked seemed to happen within a 6-12 month time frame. In some cases separation was a help since it got the faithful spouse out of a toxic environment to enable them to make the changes. I might be wrong, but that's my experience.
Michelle's advice is, when you've decided, "it's enough" to try the LRT, and the The After the Last Resort Technique and then The Ultimatum. That's fine. I don't see the After the LRT or The Ultimatum encouraged or sucessfully documented on these boards.
There are other more forceful/direct approaches that might work when, indeed, the marathon has been too long/exhausting and a person still might want to save the marriage: asking the unfatihful spouse to leave the house, creating consequences, etc.
This is to say, Frank, that I think babysteps are fine, but, perhaps a year's worth of baby steps might be necessary for you to re-establish trust with your wife. I also think we are dealing with a repeat offender here (3 affairs) and perhaps, you will need to see some real character change.
Amy said this more eloquently than I could about character change in a MLC....
Quote:
Speaking only from my own experience and my own heart, I can tell you that if/when everything finally clicks in your wife - when she finally 'get's it' - when she realizes in her soul the value of family, the strength of the ties...the importance and the depth...that choice becomes easy.
Everything and everyone that's out there in the world will pale by comparison.
She'll know that everything and everyone else will forever only be second best - nothing can ever be recreated or substituted.
If she ever realizes those things - the search, race, the run and the hysteria will just end.
Amy's holding out for a miracle. I would agree. I'll take it in a moment's flash or a year's worth of babysteps. But I still think a year is a good testing ground to see if the "flash" of enlightenment really happened. Frank you probably need the year to work on yourself and get physically, emotionally and spiritually healthy. If she REALLY wants you, she'll wait the year. I think too much it at stake to offer her "cheap grace" and an easy in at this stage.
In addition, there is some anecdotal wisdom about the WAW and the nature of woman's feelings if she's willing to have an affair. Generally, if a woman has an affair, she's really emotionally checked out on the marriage, and, perhaps has closed the door on it. DB-ing a WAW may be harder than a philandering husband. Reas Michelle's artice on this website about the WAW. Even she says when a woman has reached that stage it's almost too late.
On the other hand, if you decide "enough is enough" and desire to end the marriage, you have our support.
