Believe it or not, I wasn't asking because I was anxious to run in and 'save' you, and spread yet more of my opinionated beliefs around.
I was asking for purely selfish reasons, sorry to say. I don't want to be routine, see, and even though I think my H and I are back on track, we still view sex differently. I don't know that I'd ever recognize if things were getting routine for him...and if things could head that way, well, I'd like to try and stop it before it happens.
I've asked him, but sometimes I think maybe he might not level with me because he doesn't want to risk upsetting the apple cart.
There's the part of me that would also like to be able to surprise him, too, but within my comfort level.
I'm starting to get a bit experimental, but I'm sure it's not anything he'd consider 'over the top.'
So, that's really why I was asking. I don't know if you can really answer the question, though, without turning this into an X rated conversation...I don't know...maybe speak in generalities if you are comfortable. If not, that's cool, too.
I can describe our sex life with no adult content. In fact, in a word - formulaic.
Foreplay is always the same. Same position, same exact application of technique each time. The act itself is in the same position each time and approximately for the same duration. Each party is "satisfied". Elapsed time, 20 minutes. Almost any variation wrecks the formula and the encounter.
I think I have discussed this in a previous post and came to the same conclusion, except I couldn't deal with the idea of formula sex for the rest of my life. I don't know that I have actually made a leap out of that little quandry as of yet. Oh well.
How do you avoid routine? Simple. Do something you like this time and something he likes next time. Then do something random. If you can only pop using a vibrator, fine, incorporate it into your play. The point is that sex is fun. If you can't stand the idea of being naked in front of your husband, then you need to get by that right away.
If I had to define anti-routine behavior in a single word, it would be 'uninhibited'. There is no sin, no condemnation, and nothing wrong with being uninhibited with ones spouse. Period. Let go, and you will have such a good time. Better than you thought possible. Doing it with someone you love.... Well, I don't know how it gets any better than that.
When is the last time you spent the day naked? Dressed up in some sexy clothes or lounged around in a sweatshirt and socks (nothing else). Want to drive hime crazy? Give it a try.
Have you ever made love in a tent, or a rock overlooking a lake. Or how about didling while you watch a movie together. Sex is as much about being together and sharing as talking through a rough day at the office. Sure animalistic release can be fun too, but it is just a single facet of being together.
All of the people I have known in really longterm relationships (>35 years) had a history of great sex. It was an integral part of their relationship, and seemed to be something they found very natural and comfortable.
Have you ever had a really comfy pair of old shoes. You wore them until the soles were gone, and you still hated the idea of throwing them away? I think sex should be that way. Never complacent, but always comfortable and inviting, even when it is exciting and adventurous.
Maybe I am just getting old, but I really don't find the idea of sex with 3 girls all that exciting anymore. When I was young, guys would kill for such an encounter. In truth, such an encounter is a lot of work. What I long for is togetherness, both In the livingroom, AND the bedroom.
Corri, if you can find it in your heart to carve out a place of comfort for your hubby, in the place where you live naked (speaking figuratively), I think that you will find a level of commitment and fullfillment in your relationship you would have previously only dreamed about, and likely thought impossible to achieve. You have the opportunity, and the power to effect such a change. I suggest you use it wisely.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
It's not so bad out there for a 47 yr old male, depending on the male. It's also really, really great that you've learned to hear what people are saying and believe them. She is who she is, and she told you that. I'm not trying to be harsh, but it happened to me too. Yet you chose to stay for a very, very, very long time, so there must have been something in it for you. Maybe hope...or delusion. Now, you say that part is over. So when you meet a woman you like and you ask her what her 'issues' are, you'll listen, and you'll hear, and you'll believe. It's a great tool. As for not having another 27 years...better start taking care of yourself, and you'll have another 47 years.
I really haven't learned how to listen, hence my recent modulation of the same old issues. I end up back where I started everytime.
It was delusion to stay.
Frequency can be changed, although I still find myself angry about wasting so many years. It was foolish to take this path, but I did. Now It seems I need to learn to live with it. I am having difficulty with that part.
Evidently, my disappointment at my own choices is showing through. Now she is back to sleeping on the couch, angry at me. The funny/sad part is that she probably thinks I am trying to manipulate her. I am not. It is hard to hide emotion. Perhaps it is sometimes even harder to read masked emotion on someone elses face.
I really must address this soon, but I had hoped I would learn to cope. I lay awake last night trying to figure a "percentage of success" in our marriage including the sex issue. I figured that a good mark might help me get it all into perspective. It didn't. About the best I could come up with was a 73. Pretty weird way to "score" a marriage. In fact, pretty weird to score a marriage at all.
Answer the following question accurately, and win what's behind door #2 - "On a scale of 1 - 100, how good is your marriage? AAAANNNNNNNNKKKK - wrong answer! Off you go to divorce court to completely wreck what is left of your already piss poor percentage..."
You are right, tundranut, next time I will listen.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Since this is a DivorceBusting message board, I'll assume you don't want a divorce. Clearly, you're in the final stages of pain, ready for No Pain. And if you've never been divorced, you think that no pain is better than what you have. What do I know...you may have a good point. You can't always control how your marriage works out. Most women can't really talk to their husbands because husbands feel threatened when wives tell them how they see things and what they would want different. The control they have over their marriage is, when the husband doesn't pick up on their cues, they shut down and won't have sex, as a symbol of not opening themselves up. Since you're rating the marriage anyway, you might as well rate how much you are able to assertain what she's missing other than sex.
At the end of all that, you could try to completely change your behaviour (putting her off guard). I'm not saying, be her slave. Just, be unexpected, and possibly even give her what she thinks is missing, but no sex.
Before the big D, especially if you have children, at least give it a couple of months before you attempt sex...but chances are, she won't be so mad in a couple of months and you may not have to initiate. \ In the end it's what you can live with, and what you can't. I wish I could figure things out, but it's hard to figure your own stuff out, easier to try and investigate other people's stuff. But you've been married for a very long time and by now are completely bonded. So if you get divorced, you'll really be in pain. Not because you just love love love her, but because it will feel like an amputation. You really will need a good doctor, hopefully a medical doctor for blood pressure and heart checks, and a psychiatrist for nice antidepressants during a difficult time. When things calm down, you'll be fine...if you're dating, and I'm sure you will be. Single women are everywhere.
Well, I think I spoke too soon in my last post. Time is an incredible thing, the great equalizer.
It seems that the more time elaspes between the old, no sex part of our relationship, and the effort at a return to normalcy, the more at ease I become.
I think the trust is returning. Trust that we will never visit the desert again. Trust that her desire for me is genuine. Trust that she will be vigilant not to ease into old habits.
I am maintaining my part of the repair effort. There is a very real caring redeveloping between us. I really do wish we could have solved this riddle years ago before it became such a festering wound.
So, things are going well between us.
If I could offer heartfelt advice to everyone suffering with similar issues, it would siimply be, don't wait, do something about your problem - NOW. Sex problems in a marriage apparently seldom self resolve.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Quote: If I could offer heartfelt advice to everyone suffering with similar issues, it would siimply be, don't wait, do something about your problem - NOW. Sex problems in a marriage apparently seldom self resolve.-NOPkins-
I couldn't agree with you more. Being proactive has identified our problem, given us some choices for remedy and set us on the path to [hopefully] resolution.
I'm so glad I didn't let this linger and fester any longer. My outlook for the sexual future of my M is more optimistic than a couple of weeks ago.
Dialing the 800# for help was the hardest thing for me to do; to admit one has a problem. But it was a first step and thankfully, H is with me on this.
So, I echo NOPkins "do something about your problem - NOW." No matter what the first step for you is, take it.
Wow NOPkins this is amazing. Who ever would have thought it looking at your first post in this thread! There must be hope for us all!!
Please give us some more details on how you acheived this. Tell us poor saps some more about what you actually did and what you said to your W, so we can try copying you.
If you read some of my other posts both here Another NOPkins thread and In other threads (Corri and others), you will see me bounce up and down a good bit.
My biggest problem right now is forgiveness and trust. The trust part is getting better. I still struggle some with forgiveness. It still offends me that I suffered and our relationship suffered terribly when a simple choice could have derailed the runaway early on in our little decent into hell.
Regardless, I am determined to get past it. Big tough guys can get their little feelings hurt too...
As for what has been said beetween us, I couldn't begin to count the words. Endless conversations where problems were repeatedly outlined but never resolved. I guess that disqualifies me as an outstanding example :-]
A couple of years ago, I called my wife at work and told her that we "needed to talk". She was so aware of the sexual issues in our relationship that she left work in emotional turmoil, sure I was going to announce my intentions to divorce. Actually, I just wanted to make yet another demand for a return to some semblance of normalcy. I couldn't understand how she could continue on in sexual limbo, even when it was obviously tearing us apart.
Years of sexual tension between us (the bad kind) will take many years to heal. We still aren't there yet. We have a ways to go, BUT, we are progressing.
I don't know if we will ever get sexually adventurous again. One can only hope.
The turning point in our relationship came shortly after seeing Michele on tv. I ordered the book immediately. I think she finally realized that the problems in our marriage where not unique. That, I believe, caused her to realize that it was time to 'fix' our relationship.
To reiterate, getting a mess like sexual compatability issues resolved in a marriage will be a major battle for the majority of people. Some will experience a quick fix. Most won't. At least Michele's book can act as a catalyst to bring the issues to light in a troubled relationship. That in and of itself is no small feat.
It seems that I have had to 'fight' on one front or another all my life. Many times, the fights came to me. We all fight for what we want and need. At my core, I do believe that a marriage is worth fighting for. Like many in the heat of battle, I sometimes waffle about in the middle of the carnage, but the fight is still worth the effort, and a bit of waffling doesn't alter that fact at all.
A number of times, I have pushed our relationship to the breaking point in an effort to fix it. She didn't realize until late in the battle that she had pushed me to the breaking point. In a HD vs LD relationship, one or both spouses may not be aware of just how deep the hurt runs.
Having said all that, I just repeat my point. A marriage is worth fighting for, and the time to start fighting is right now. Oh, and don't think you will survive the fight without at least a bloody nose and a bruise or two.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
