The first domino

[maninmotion]

(((Julia)))



Dan

[Essie]

Hi JCJ

I caught up on your sitch and have found you! You sound really good and strong. Thanks for posting your insights about the Passionate Marriage book. I'm interested in it, but havent purchased it yet.

I just wanted to say that no-one outside of this board in my 'real' life knows that I'm DB-ing. I think the way you handled your BF is fine. There is no way that your friends and family can understand what you have been through and why you still want to stand for your marriage. I always appear to my friends and family that I'm moving on - cause that makes them happy!

They just love you too much and they cant detach from it either. So I would say that the way you are handling it is perfect! Also creates a bit of mystery - you dont want it getting back to H that you are DB-ing!

[istherehope]

Hi JCJ,

Maybe we'll meet in London one day. In fact I have a class reunion this fall, but I am not sure if I'll go to it or not. I am not telling people what is going on with H, i.e. it's on a need-to-know basis like when people work with me and can see I'm not contributing! So I don't really want to see old friends and fake like everything is OK or actually explain the situation. I think it is between H and me only at the moment.

I know exactly what you mean about people not being supportive though. There are people who I have told about my sitch, and they say things like "just watch out for yourself", or "contact a lawyer to know where you stand", etc. I know this is all well-intentioned, but it can be exactly what you don't need to hear. DBing is one of those things that people just don't "get" unless they've been in a similar situation I think. Are you OK to just tell people that you stand where you stand, that you are coming from a position of strength and are not a doormat, and that you'd rather not discuss the situation in the future? Is this possible for you? I think people instinctively approach the LBS's like they are victims, and really just want to comfort and help. If they can see that we are strong (even if we are sometimes faking it), I think that they might back off a bit.

Hope you are doing well, and hope to see some updates soon :).

ITH

[TwinDad]

Julia,

I had been through your latest thread. I really like how you are able to see your progress and the effect your actions have had on it. It really helps with putting everything together and being able to see your baby steps.

Your friends/family mean well. Your BF actually paid you a compliment by saying you are getting used to it. She was basically telling you that you appear strong and confident and am being yourself. Don't worry too much about her bastard comment. She is just being honest with you, she is ticked that your H is treating you this way and she is letting you knwo that she is one your side.

[JCJ]

Dear All

Thank you so much for your helpful words and encouragement. It really means a lot that you all post to me. Posting here and getting your responses helps me so much to keep things in perspective and to think on what to do next.

I am not feeling great today as those words are still stinging me but I think I am generally a bit over sensitive at the moment anyway. I know she doesn't mean me malice, it is just hard when people say the wrong things! I had a really bad nights sleep last night and really vivid dreams (probably to do with the fact that I freaked myself out watching a disturbing TV programme before I went to bed!!) and the weather was/ is really oppressive, so I have a bit of a headache.

I am trying to work out what I am going to wear tomorrow for the meeting with my h but hate all my clothes in true woman style so I shall work on that tonight as well as my PMA.

[istherehope]

Good luck on figuring out the outfit JCJ! I'm sure you must have something that he's complimented you on before, some style of clothing that you know just "does it" for him...

ITH

[JCJ]

You would think... but he makes every effort not to look these days. He avoids all eye contact. I'm going to try something that makes me feel great. I may have to pop to Oxford Street on the way home. I have a potential top but no bottom half options. Mind you, if I turned up like that he may well have no choice but to look lol!

[TwinDad]

I am trying to work out what I am going to wear tomorrow for the meeting with my h but hate all my clothes in true woman style

Julia, Julia, Julia.........you don't need to make excuses to go shopping here....we always support that......lol

I can't tell you how many times my W has said she has nothing to wear but yet there is no place to hang a thing in her closet

[JCJ]

And I know exactly how your wife feels

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Julia,
Wow, looking at some of the posters here it made sense to me.. I have felt rather attacked lately, my Mum and Auntie have said to me that I am being a 'doormat' and acting like a victim and allowing him to do this to me and I should stand up for muself. My best BFF is very disparaging of DBing and said I had given all my power over to him by doing this and put myself in a victim mode...all very hurtful to hear, but they say "you need to protect yourself and do whats best to stop you being hurt" and I pointed out that waiting patiently for a depressed man, who has no OW is my way of NOT hurting myself. My choice to still love him and consider the door open is not a weakness, or being a victim or a doormat.. wel, I didnt think so !??

The clothing thing can be a nightmare.. I worried so much on Sundau I ended up having 5 minutes to get ready !!! I think it wouldnt have mattered too much what I was wearing, as long as my face and hair was done and I was reasonably dressed, I guess its bigger than that??

I have been finding my BFF difficult to deal with too..and Sunday night she said some things on the phone that I have brooded over for 2 days too. My C said that when people say such judgemental things, or you should do this, or that, they are often saying something abuot themselves, or their own experiences and that it is ok to take whats good in their advice and ignore bits that you dont feel are helpful, without damaging the friendship. If that helps!

Ali xxx