Maybe it's Midlife Crisis at any age?

[happynow]

Hi Poet,

Thank you for visiting my thread! Believe me this is very hard!!! I'm not going to kid you about it. I'm still on AD's. When my H first told me he didn't love me anymore & he wanted a D I had panic attacks & would have to wake him up (he stayed in guest room 5 months after he told me). By snooping I found out about OW & didn't go wake him anymore. He wouldn't let me talk about our wonderful past or relationship or anything. He expected me to go along with everything he wanted but I didn't. I needed a place to stay b/c of the 2 dogs (I got custody) he threatened to take them away from me (he knew that would get me) but he only did that to try to get me to go along with what he wanted.

My advice is to get a good lawyer!!!! One that will stand up & fight for you. My L did, I know it made my H mad but if they want the D then they have to pay for it. He never intended to give me what all I got, he expected to sell the house & split everything 50/50. I got the house, 3 years alimony, the dogs & he had to pay both L & the mediator. It cost him just one day of mediation over 9000.00, needless to say he wasn't happy!! But you have to look out for your best interest now b/c your H is not going to do that.

I haven't read all your threads, does your H have OW?

Pray! That is one of the main things you can do. My H married OW & it hasn't even been a year since he told me he wanted D. I think she brain washed him & he is in major MLC. I had a report run on her & she has been M'd at least 3 times, my H is #4 & she is a pro at this. He has no ideal what he has gotten himself into. I'm sure he will find out. I know now that MLC started back in 2005 but the OW didn't come along until 2007. We are D & he is M but for some reason I haven't given up, I'm trying to do things for me right now & my dogs (they are like my kids). I keep praying for him.

He got very angry with me in Jan. & cussed me out (I had a tape recording in my pants, he didn't know about it until later) I gave it to my L, I also had all kinds of airline receipts & credit card statements that he used to go see & wine & dine the OW & got cash out of our joint acct & bought her earrings for her b'day. I was very nosy & I don't condone that but he lied to me over & over & I had to find out the truth. Thank goodness, I didn't have to use all that I had on him, I didn't want to.

I'm sorry I took up so much of your thread, I just wanted to give you a short rundown of what I've been thru this past year.

We are here for you & I wish I had found this site earlier. It has save my life many times over!

(((HUGS)))

[TwinDad]

Poet,

You received some excellent advice from Bill. I hope none of the advice I have given you has been distracting. If it has I appologize. I am just trying to help you loosen your grip on your H (i.e. detach) so you can more easily do the things that are being talked about.

Take care

[poet]

Thank you to everyone who is visiting my thread right now. If you are reading just a post or two, you should be able to recognize that I have OW to contend with in our M.

"I hope none of the advice I have given you has been distracting. If it has I appologize."

Gosh no, TwinDad! You are my most treasured friend, so please know that. Your advice and words of support come first to me. Please don't give up on me???

I had a dream last night about being down at the beach in the dunes (the beach I knew as a child). I interpret that as begining to digress into my childhood, in my dreams of course.

I had a call from Brandnewday yesterday that was very helpful. I am starting today as a brandnewwoman. My H did call this morning very early, and since he woke me, I was not thinking and answered the phone. He said he had just received my voicemail from last night. It was 6:30 a.m., and he said he will not discuss the terms with me at all. I politely said OK, and he hung up.

How am I supposed to know what to give him, if he won't tell me what it is? Any advice on this? I have until tomorrow to let his lawyer know if I will do this the uncontested way.

I have to go to work now. Will check back this afternoon.

hugs,
poet
P.S. Detatching is key here. I need to learn how to do that.

[TwinDad]

He said he had just received my voicemail from last night. It was 6:30 a.m., and he said he will not discuss the terms with me at all. I politely said OK, and he hung up.

How am I supposed to know what to give him, if he won't tell me what it is? Any advice on this? I have until tomorrow to let his lawyer know if I will do this the uncontested way.

Poet,

In my opinion, these are the things the lawyers are there to discuss. You tell your Lawyer what you would like, it is there job to represent you. You can either present what you want and see what his Lawyer says or you can wait to see what he says he wants and decide if that is acceptable to you.

It sounds like you don't have a detailed list of the terms and conditions. I would have my Lawyer reply that "I can't possibly make a decision over whether to contest or not until I know What you are proposing".

Just my thoughts, though my experience on the legal side of things is very limited (thankfully)

[The Wifey]

It sounds like you don't have a detailed list of the terms and conditions. I would have my Lawyer reply that "I can't possibly make a decision over whether to contest or not until I know What you are proposing".

Just my thoughts, though my experience on the legal side of things is very limited (thankfully)

I would insist on this, hon. He wants what he wants, but he can kick and scream all he wants, it will happen as slowly as it has been happening. And your L's job is to protect you. Ask her what she advises.

Remember our deal today and don't touch the hot stove.

[happynow]

Hi Poet,

I agree with TD. My H wanted to discuss the issues with me but my L told me not to. My H's L sent a proposal to my L & that is where it all started.

I hope you have a good lawyer that will stand up for you. In my state it was supposed to be 50/50 split but you see it didn't go that way. It was 60/40 but the way it turned out my H didn't get any cash (which is the main thing he wanted), what little he got went to L's fees. He did get to keep his retirement but that is how I got to keep the house plus he had an A so my L went after him.

Hang in there!

[poet]

Ok, I just got back from an all-day meeting and when I tried to post to the boards, my computer shut down on me and I lost everything. So, here goes again.

Thank you everyone who is offering me some input. I am in need right now of all the help I can get. I did talk to my attorney, and told her basically what you all said for me to do. She reiterated that my husband basically "…wants to stay in the house and is willing to pay me half the estate in order to do that." (My stomach turns at this thought. All I can think about it that he wants me out of his life and he is ripping me out of my home). My attorney and I also added that, of course since he wants out he will need to pay me “with conditions” etc.

She wants me to send her an email tomorrow morning, telling her, “…exactly what I want her to do.” I said that she is my attorney, and she needs to represent me and my best interests, whatever that may be. I asked her to “advise me” as suggested on these boards. I told her that I “…love my husband and I want to give him the home so he can reside there. I also said that I do not want this divorce but I do want him to be happy, and if that means giving him what he wants, that I will do that (with conditions as far as monetary value are concerned). When I said this, she immediately chimed in that I need to put that down in the email so she knows "exactly what" I want her to do. One suggestion is that we meet in front of a mediator. Another is that we meet with our attorneys.

I have to get grounded and know that my Husband is listening to this other woman who is 25 years younger than he is, and that he believes everything she says and nothing of what I say. I’m trying to hold my own.

Thank you for listening, and I welcome any comments or advice from everyone. TD and Puppy, if you happen to catch this post before morning, please let me know what you think.
poet

[poet]

Does anyone have any thoughts about my putting the DB guidelines in my email to my atty tomorrow morning ... ie. the fact that "I know my H wants this divorce and this is not what I want. However, I respect his opinion and I will do my best to love him unconditionally throughout the process?"

Do you think it's OK for me to say this????

thanks,
poet

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Poet,

I don't think a divorce attorney is going to care about any of that. They are asking you what TERMS you want to ask for, whether you file or whether you are responding to your husband's filing. It's strictly a business and legal question, and unfortunately I am not qualified to give you advice on something like that.

I do think your husband is highly motivated, and not of his right mind right now so to speak, so the only TACTICAL suggestion I would make to you right now is is for your opening response (and I'm assuming you're responding, rather than filing yourself) is to ask for the sun, the moon and the stars, and then negotiate down from there.

He will be angry, but I've never met anyone yet who regretted asking for TOO MUCH.

I wish I could help you more, but -- as Barack likes to say -- "this is above my pay grade."

Puppy

[pat44]

Hi poet:

I have never posted to you. I have read some of your posts in the surviving forum - you really do have a lot of insight into other people's situations.

I just noticed that you are working with Michele - and well it is not easy. I worked with her 5 years ago and didn't save my M - but have a lot of peace today and use many of the skills I learned with her in my life today.

With respect to attorneys - I am one myself and well I tend to sift through emails quickly for the facts that I can use to do what I need to do. Chances are your attorney won't really pay attention to anything emotional that you write to her that is not relevant to your case.

I am so sorry you are going through this... There is DB'ing and there is taking care of you. Settlement negotiations are businesss negotiations. I have read what H wants as far as settlement. What do you want? Why not sit down and take a day to figure out what you want and then send an email to your attorney with that list and talk to your attorney to figure out what is reasonable and whether you should ask for more or less.

Another option is to have H prepare the first draft and then have your attorney review it with recommendations. I know how scary this part is and you do feel sick to your stomach through most of it...

You can actually do both - love H and love you. You can disagree with H's opinion with respect to a settlement term and still love him. Loving someone does not mean that you always have to be on the same page. You can disagree with respect to an issue w/o personalizing it to H. It remains to be seen whether H has the capacity to do that...

It is also possible that being business like with H during the settlement negotations will be a 180 for you and will catch H's attention.

BTW: The X also told me he could never forgive me when I was Db'ing under Michele's supervision. I told him I understood and wish that he had told me when there was still time to fix things - and to let me know if there was anything I could do to change his mind. And then dropped it and didn't address or raise the issue myself.

And on those occasions he reacted by being angry - my only response was I just listened quietly - and if it was nasty - I neither agreed nor disagreed. The only thing I said very calmly and quietly was "I am listening."

take care,
AG