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If you are sure that divorce is inevitable, and it seems you are as you prepare yourself emotionally and logisitically for it, then you need to tell her. If you announce it to her after you have gotten all your ducks in a row, I doubt she is going to see your not informing her earlier as a benevolent act to save her stress.
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I agree to a point. If I am considering divorce, then my actions are ultimately directed toward my needs more than hers. On the other hand, I find no compelling reason at this time, to tell her anything about my intentions since they are just that, intentions. Intentions are subject to change and revision. I am sure that divorce is inevitable, I am also sure that situations change and I am hoping (probably a waste of time) that something will change.
I have communicated with her on many occasions, the sheer frustration I was experiencing. I was always told the same thing "I will never be the sexy girl you need" (or some iteration of the same). *I* was the one not listening. She knew that the sex issue was a deal breaker the time she fell apart. I am sure she didn't want to lose the relationship.
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Frankly, I don't know that she would still be able to change the way you need her to. Neither increased frequency, willingness to try, or as a gift (hopefully graciously given) is what you're looking for. You need a fundamental change in how she experiences her love for you. You're right, that is quite a tall order of change and it may not be within her power. Choices can be made to increase frequency, etc. You can make a choice to love someone. I'm not as confident in the idea that you can choose to experience that love as/with sexual desire. It would be similar to asking you NOT to experience sexual desire as part of your love for your w.
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I completely agree with you. In fact, the choice of her increasing frequency was as a result of several years of escalating issue with the status quo. The book was the catylist. She already knew just how serious I am about the whole deal.
To remind you all, it was a recent encounter, where she once again, uttered the "I'm not it" phrase. This time, and for the first time, I understood and accepted what she was saying. I am sure she did it out of guilt. The same reason she was probably in the bed with me. Thanks, but I don't need that kind of attention. I can find release any Friday night with a visit to a bar via a "zipless"(Erica Jones) encounter.
I have made clear to her, my needs, for many moons. In the spirit of so-called fairness, I may do so again, and include recently discovered truth. I am concerned that would cause her to walk away, now, rather than after some more appropriate closure.
Think about it. What can she say? Can she claim to have lied all those times she told me "I'm not the one"? Can she claim that she didn't mean it the way it sounded, or that she really did want me but couldn't express it. Would you believe some sudden last second change of heart? What could she possibly come up with to prove I am NOT a chump?
Even Perry Mason would have a hard time with that one.
So. Things are what they are. Stuff happens, sometimes to really nice people. In immediate retrospect, I can remain angry and hurt, or maybe somewhere down the road, I can look back and make poetic claim to having loved and lost.
Besides, what difference will it make in 100 years :-)
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
