30 years or so ago, I dated a girl. She was very bright, very pretty and very sexy. She had an excellent personality. We messed around a bit, but ended up dating other people.
Some 30 years later, she is still pretty, sexy and very bright. We still like each other, but I don't think either of us would ever read books and get counseling to try and make a realtionship together. We just don't feel that way.
Now what if, two people got together when only one of them did feel all goose-pimply and awe struck, but the other didn't. What the other did, was to like this person, alot. She thought that he was was very bright and handsome and witty and had an excellent chance at being a good provider. She thought she could learn to be really physically attracted to this person, albeit with some time and effort.
Having tried for a couple of years to work up sexual feelings toward this man, the girl gave up on ever being goose-pimply over this fellow. Yes, he provided well, he was a good father. She even loved him. When he was especially kind or good at something, it would touch her heart and draw her feelings close to him, but it never made her really want to make love to him. She did occasionally make love to him, but it was because she thought it was the right thing to do. After all, it was obvious that he cared greatly for her.
Eventually, he became less and less satisfied with the love she returned. He tried everything to win her affection. He treated her most affectionately, gave her gifts, getaways, long drives and walks. He took her to beautiful places and spoke beautiful words to her. He continued this for many years. She appreciated his kindness and she felt very loved, but she could never return the love in a manner that she knew he needed. She just didn't feel that way about him.
So, I can do many things to make me feel better about my situation. I can do virtually nothing to change the way she feels.
I have read of arranged marriages where both parties eventually fell in love, but that is an exception, rather than a rule.
I had previously embraced a lie and lived in an imaginary relationship that I thought had equal depth on both sides. It never did. It never was what I thought it was. She has even tried to tell me for 25+ years.
My situation will *not* be true of most of the posters problems at issue here. Most of you probably got married after much consideration and discussion and things changed along the way.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
