Quote: I think that confronting her at this point would simply prolong the inevitable, while seriously adding to her stress load.
If you are sure that divorce is inevitable, and it seems you are as you prepare yourself emotionally and logisitically for it, then you need to tell her. If you announce it to her after you have gotten all your ducks in a row, I doubt she is going to see your not informing her earlier as a benevolent act to save her stress.
I'm unclear as to what you actually told her regarding the sex issue the first time you mentioned divorce in your marriage. I don't doubt you've communicated your high level of desire. Have you communicated the high level of importance sex has for you with respect to the continuation of the relationship? They are two different things, although probably positively correlated. Someone can have a high desire for sex but not put it on the list of deal-breakers for a relationship. Does your w really know it is a deal-breaker for you?
Frankly, I don't know that she would still be able to change the way you need her to. Neither increased frequency, willingness to try, or as a gift (hopefully graciously given) is what you're looking for. You need a fundamental change in how she experiences her love for you. You're right, that is quite a tall order of change and it may not be within her power. Choices can be made to increase frequency, etc. You can make a choice to love someone. I'm not as confident in the idea that you can choose to experience that love as/with sexual desire. It would be similar to asking you NOT to experience sexual desire as part of your love for your w.
If that is what you need from her, you need to be very clear. Otherwise she will be trying to make changes in ways that won't make any difference. But you'll never really know if she can change that way unless you make it clear what it is you really need.
I'm not trying to talk you out of your plans, I just see these possible gaps in the communication.
