Do the actions first. The feelings may or may not come later.
What you must do is stop being available.
Do not hug him. Do not kiss him. Do not even be around for that stuff. Only return every 3rd or 4th call or text. When you are
Learn to focus and center yourself. Stay on one thread. Take one path to work on this and stick with it (versus being allover the place with advice). Get a self-focus journal....one that lets you write down all the things YOU like about everything. Work on a hobby. Something that occupies a lot of time.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
Being told that our spouse no longer wants us is devastating.
Finding that they have already have involved themself with another is just piling on.
We are rocked at our very core. There is no shame in all the emotions that come in response. Fear, anxiety, anger, desperation, dread, hopelessness, depression. All of these are reasonable immediate responses to such a destructive revelation.
We are all on the backs of our heels at first.
How odd that our first choices of response are so often so dreadfully wrong.
Our spouse decides we are holding them back...so we respond by trying to hold on to them with all our strength.
Our spouse decides we don't support them...so we tell them how wrong they are about our marriage.
Can you see that responses like these only reinforce the notion your husband has that he has made a correct decision to leave you?
By your over the top, clingy, needy responses to him (alternating with anger and hostility for good measure) you are sending him validation that he is right.
You have to change this tune.
And it starts with a single note.
You have to find ONE thing you can begin doing differently in your interactions with him. Maybe it's responding to him immediately every time he contacts you. Maybe it's calling on him when something is wrong. Maybe it's getting into a debate with him about whether you should separate or not. Shoot, maybe it's as simple as putting up a fuss when he chooses to stay in your house.
Change SOMETHING. ONE thing.
And when you've got that down, find another thing to change. Don't stop until you've corrected every negative behavior that you have been using with him.
Remember, the goal is to become attractive to him again. The goal is to SHOW him, through your ACTIONS (not WORDS, they could care less about words!) that you are someone appealing to him.
You cannot do this while you hold on to him with your death grip.
You are a strong woman, a strong person. Exercise that strength. Find a way to put the weak, sad person aside, only to come out in your quiet, personal times (or on this board).
When he is around you are strong, confident, and capable of a life on your own.
Oh, and the remark about wanting to move on but not being able to find another?
Trash can that idea.
So very NOT what you need to be doing right now.
For someone who has difficulty focusing already, you don't need yet another distraction.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Thank you for your comments. My H was so angry last night and says that because of some of the things I said and did, he will not forgive me, and "we are done."
He appararently called his laywer today to prove that. My attorney called me late this afternoon and said that he wants to move forward with the D as quickly as possible. And, he is willing to still try the uncontested D if I will agree to what he wants. And, if she does not hear from my attorney by this Wednesday @ 5 p.m. that they will file immediately.
BTW, I did tell my atty that I would call him and try to discuss his terms with him right away. I did call and, of course, he did not answer. So, I left a message and asked him to please call me to talk about the terms, but he never returned my call.
I guess there is where I stand now. Also, I have to say that I went into shock when I heard my attny say those words. I started crying and cried for a long time. Now, I'm just knots inside, but no tears.
thanks for your post, poet
P.S. And thank you for your post, Bill. I really needed to hear the following words.
"Exercise that strength. Find a way to put the weak, sad person aside, only to come out in your quiet, personal times (or on this board)."
It's your choice whether or not to agree to an uncontested divorce.
Know that if you refuse, your husband will be angry.
Not that that has to really matter. You do not want a divorce, your position is that you would do nothing to expedite the matter, but you will also not stand in the way.
Realize this. You have NO control over your husbands actions. None. He is a big boy and he gets to decide what to do. I know it hurts like hell to hear that your spouse wants a divorce, but what can you do?
His decision to push a divorce really should be irrelevant to you.
If you love this man and believe that the two of you belong together, a divorce is simply yet another blow that you are strong enough to endure.
He has already divorced you emotionally, and I think you know this.
It is still not too late to being making some changes in YOU.
And these changes can STILL impact him with time.
Regardless of what happens, you must find a way back to peace and strength. So you need this time one way or the other.
His actions on this do NOT affect the decisions that YOU need to make to find health and well being again. Do NOT allow this to stop you.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
Yes, Bill I do know this. I honestly can't see how any changes in me will affect him at this point. But, I will take your word and the same words from others about this. My H is very strong willed. I have seen him turn his back completely on people for one action that he did not agree with, whereas, I have made plenty. He is the type of person who does a 180 and puts people out of his mind and his life forever.
Being told that our spouse no longer wants us is devastating.
Finding that they have already have involved themself with another is just piling on.
We are rocked at our very core. There is no shame in all the emotions that come in response. Fear, anxiety, anger, desperation, dread, hopelessness, depression. All of these are reasonable immediate responses to such a destructive revelation.
We are all on the backs of our heels at first.
How odd that our first choices of response are so often so dreadfully wrong.
Our spouse decides we are holding them back...so we respond by trying to hold on to them with all our strength.
Our spouse decides we don't support them...so we tell them how wrong they are about our marriage.
Can you see that responses like these only reinforce the notion your husband has that he has made a correct decision to leave you?
By your over the top, clingy, needy responses to him (alternating with anger and hostility for good measure) you are sending him validation that he is right.
You have to change this tune.
And it starts with a single note.
You have to find ONE thing you can begin doing differently in your interactions with him. Maybe it's responding to him immediately every time he contacts you. Maybe it's calling on him when something is wrong. Maybe it's getting into a debate with him about whether you should separate or not. Shoot, maybe it's as simple as putting up a fuss when he chooses to stay in your house.
Change SOMETHING. ONE thing.
And when you've got that down, find another thing to change. Don't stop until you've corrected every negative behavior that you have been using with him.
Remember, the goal is to become attractive to him again. The goal is to SHOW him, through your ACTIONS (not WORDS, they could care less about words!) that you are someone appealing to him.
You cannot do this while you hold on to him with your death grip.
You are a strong woman, a strong person. Exercise that strength. Find a way to put the weak, sad person aside, only to come out in your quiet, personal times (or on this board).
When he is around you are strong, confident, and capable of a life on your own.
Oh, and the remark about wanting to move on but not being able to find another?
Trash can that idea.
So very NOT what you need to be doing right now.
For someone who has difficulty focusing already, you don't need yet another distraction.
Blessings,
Bill
simply lovely post/ great advice
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
