Being told that our spouse no longer wants us is devastating.
Finding that they have already have involved themself with another is just piling on.
We are rocked at our very core. There is no shame in all the emotions that come in response. Fear, anxiety, anger, desperation, dread, hopelessness, depression. All of these are reasonable immediate responses to such a destructive revelation.
We are all on the backs of our heels at first.
How odd that our first choices of response are so often so dreadfully wrong.
Our spouse decides we are holding them back...so we respond by trying to hold on to them with all our strength.
Our spouse decides we don't support them...so we tell them how wrong they are about our marriage.
Can you see that responses like these only reinforce the notion your husband has that he has made a correct decision to leave you?
By your over the top, clingy, needy responses to him (alternating with anger and hostility for good measure) you are sending him validation that he is right.
You have to change this tune.
And it starts with a single note.
You have to find ONE thing you can begin doing differently in your interactions with him. Maybe it's responding to him immediately every time he contacts you. Maybe it's calling on him when something is wrong. Maybe it's getting into a debate with him about whether you should separate or not. Shoot, maybe it's as simple as putting up a fuss when he chooses to stay in your house.
Change SOMETHING. ONE thing.
And when you've got that down, find another thing to change. Don't stop until you've corrected every negative behavior that you have been using with him.
Remember, the goal is to become attractive to him again. The goal is to SHOW him, through your ACTIONS (not WORDS, they could care less about words!) that you are someone appealing to him.
You cannot do this while you hold on to him with your death grip.
You are a strong woman, a strong person. Exercise that strength. Find a way to put the weak, sad person aside, only to come out in your quiet, personal times (or on this board).
When he is around you are strong, confident, and capable of a life on your own.
Oh, and the remark about wanting to move on but not being able to find another?
Trash can that idea.
So very NOT what you need to be doing right now.
For someone who has difficulty focusing already, you don't need yet another distraction.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
