For me, I have slept alone far, far more while married, than I ever did while single.
It took the last 13 years to get her to sleep in the same bed with me more than twice a month. I am not exaggerating.
You are right about the companionship. That would be hard to replace.
I don't plan to do anything yet, but I know that time will take it's toll. I don't see her the same way any more. I think I see her more clearly than I ever have before. The rose colored glasses are shattered now. My largest frustration right now is the wasted years. If I had to walk this way again, I don't know that I would take the same path.
Who knows, maybe there is a way to pick up the pieces, but there is a lot of broken stuff around here. The mess is pretty extensive.
As for sexually frustrated, I'm not really. We were having sex more lately than in the past decade. That has stopped now. Stopped by me. What is really tearing me up is the simple realization that I blew it. I don't understand why I couldn't face simple -obvious- facts, 25 years ago.
As of a couple of days ago, I am done. I don't know how to go back. I can't imagine it the way it 'was', because it never was really the way I imagined it. I have been stuck following a dumb dream - living a lie, with no chance of it ever becoming reality. I did it in the name of love, but ultimately for selfish reasons, no doubt.
The hardcore facts are in. I may still look good, but I am older. Too many years have gone by to effectively start over with someone else. I chased a lie and it caught up with me. If I had gone into this relationship with no expectations, then I wouldn't have a complaint, but that is not the way it was. I am sure I have driven her near mad with my incessant drives. I am sorry for that. I really am.
So, the pressure is off her finally. I am glad of that for her sake. I am, on the other hand, totally lost. I don't think I can handle a relationship with low grade or low frequency sex. I struggled with it for years, and just when I thought I had won, I had really lost it all. I think I will have a very hard time liking myself, realizing what I have put her through. Maybe she had some ulterier motive of her own. Maybe it was genuine love that made her stick it out. Maybe it was a combination of motive, love, obligation and guilt.
I don't know, and in fact, can't know what her reasons are/where. I am angry at both of us for ever letting our relationship get this far out of hand.
What is to come is what I dread. What happens when she realizes that I have given up. She will want to talk about it. That will be a change. It looks like I will be the one avoiding confrontation...
I could simply accept things the way they are. A good orgasm for both of us a few times a week isn't so bad. I could devote more time to family and hobbies. But I have to tell you, that kills my passion. I love sex the same way some people love to socialize. It is an important part of my life, not an aside, or a pressure that just needs to be relieved. I like it. I like to share it like a good sunset. For me, sex is like a crisp autum breeze on a bright clear day. You just have to be there to experience it.
I understand that every encounter can't be awe inspiring, but it can be fun or sensual or loving or whatever. What it can NOT be, is formulaic, and that is exactly what our encounters are. That is what they will always be.
So back to my original assertion - I can either accept and stay, or reject and go.
Tough choice, that one.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
