WARNING - DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU ARE STILL WORKING ON YOUR MARRIAGE. I am serious, go read something else.
So much for all the good, sound advice from me. Now that having sex is presummably not an issue, other facets of the relationship are presenting a problem.
She has been telling me for 2+ decades - "I will never be sexy". Like a twerp, I thought that if I could ever get her to have frequent sex again, I could interest her in having fun with it.
AAAANNNNNNKKKKKK! WRONG, not going to happen. I should have known back in the 70's when the fake orgasms became an issue. Or when she was living with me before marriage, only to discover that she was already married. Had to clean that mess up before I married her. Of course, I wasn't exactly a paragon of virtue either (see previous posts).
Now, I will admit that youth does equal stupid, contrary to what young people would like to believe. Sorry, that's just the way it is. So, I can write off a lot of mistakes to youthful enthusiasm.
Why has old news become an issue? I used to see her through eyes of love. In all honesty, I saw the same beautiful 21 year old girl I married, every time I looked at her. I don't know what has triggered reality to set in. Maybe it is the repeated broken promises. I used to think "she means well", "she just forgot" until I realized I was making 100's of excuses for her behavior being exactly what she had warned me repeatedly about. "She will never be sexy".
What a PUTZ I am!!
I have bought her at least a $1,000 worth of nice underware, nightgowns and sexy frilly stuff, not counting jewelry. "I will model some stuff for you as a Fathers's Day present". That didn't happen either. I still have to make a big deal out of her sleeping in the same bed with me, even after that became part of the resolution on the sexual issues. It is not my damn job to play cop or keep score, and I am officially out of that business.
So, I have given up again, partly in frustration and anger, but that is subsiding. The bad part is that the 'giving up'hasn't subsided, and won't this time. I had a good think about all this and came to realize that she is right, it isn't going to change for her. I have been a world class chump for 27+ years. I will NEVER (yes, I used the 'N' word) realize what I need sexually from this woman. That was true 27 years ago, it is true today.
So, there are choices to be made. Right now I am a bit numb, but I know where this will end up. Like I have told others, accept and stay or don't and go. Curiosity almost impales me with a desire to find out if there is love out there in a package that better fits me. Logic tells me I am tilting at windmills. Either way, I am a putz for not having dealt with this many years ago. Somtimes patience is a good thing, unless it causes one to forget the limit of ones lifespan. I wonder how a 47 year old male fares out in the single world these days... I suspect it isn't a pretty picture.
For now, I am waiting for the fog to clear and my course to become at least somewhat more clear. There is a possibility that God will intervene and change the way I perceive things, although I doubt it. There is a chance that my wife will suddenly become enamored with me, that is also highly unlikely. Likely, the solution will be at best like a luke warm overture of music that might of been but never was :-)
I doubt I have 27 more years to improve anything, even if I wanted to.
"What if this is as good as it gets?" Then I will just have to settle and occupy my time with other endeavors. I will never walk as blindly as I have in the past though. The amount of crap I am willing to put up with just moved to a much smaller container.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
