Detaching

[AliSuddenly]

Hey BND,
I have struggled with detaching from my depressed ex, it feels like abandonment, but I know thats ridiculous, as he left me and is coping ok (better than me at times!). It makes me feel better and relieved to hear it took you 12-18 months to master it. I've had some 2x4's on my thread over the past few months about detaching, but at the 9th month mark and I'm feeling kind of detached for the first time (but not entirely!).

My problem is, he continually apologies and is sweet and kind when I speak to him and has never ever spewed or uttered an angry word at me, or blamed me in any way...so I wonder what it is I need to detach from. Its not an abusive/damaging situation and I do get something out of spending time with him that I find healing. Of course, its only crumbs, its not an R and may not ever be again.

I know I need to detach, but probably more so, I need along with lots of us here, to just accept that its over. If he comes back one day, I would be thrilled, but I'm not counting on it.

I do think with a depressed ex, theres an element of staying in touch, being their friend, as an excellent book I read on depression said, the most important thing is to "just be there". But, be there with no expectations I guess.
Ali x