I just wanted to share some thoughts that have been bothering me today. I met my bf today and then went round to my Mum and Dad's.
In both situations we were having a really nice time except I feel that I can't connect to my friends and some family at the moment because I can't talk about my h to them. It isn't my need to talk that is disconnecting us, as I don't need to; it is their need to talk about it. I know my Mum is really hurt by it and keeps talking around the subject; I just can't talk about it with her. I try to connect in other ways by playing Scrabble with her etc and showing her I am ok but it I still know she is hurt. I am not sure what to do about it really.
With my BF today it was hard. She was the one who gave me the most support and was my rock and kept me going and fighting for my marriage until the second bomb in May, and then she just said enough’s enough.
Two things she said today that really cut me to the quick. The first was when she was showing me a card in a shop and said 'I was going to buy that for you when h was being a b*stard'. I was really shocked. That is my husband do not call him a b*stard!! Was what I wanted to say, instead I just ignored it and tried to detach and move on. The second was when she was trying to talk about h and I was not giving anything away. She said 'you are getting more used to the situation are you'. I wanted to say, I will never be used to the situation I am so far away from the man I love and am working so hard to get back there. I have lost my husband at the moment and am trying to stand for our marriage. Instead I made an indiscriminate noise and moved the conversation on.
I don't seem to be able to stand up for myself with her. I am just using all my strength at the moment to keep up my PMA and to try and keep on this path of progress (no matter how small) that I just couldn't take falling out with her.
Thanks for reading. Detach, detach and keep in mind the end goal. Words hurt and it hurts me that I am causing other people hurt, especially my Mum and probably to some extent my BF.
(((ITH))) -you've really travelled loads. The Albert Hall is one of my favourite places. I'm so pleased I was able to go back there and not be too affected by memories. It was great. (((Lisa))) - hot guys are great for the PMA! (((Ali))) - I used to spend every moment spinnig out so I understand. I would only say that for the moment I am not doing it as much (I hope it is detachment?!) and I am going to keep trying to achieve it. For me what helped was realising that I was holding onto a lot of blame, that was my turning point, but I think it is different for everyone.
It is exactly the same for my h it sounds like with regard to the financial stuff. I am feeling a little apprehensive about Wednesday's meeting but trying hard not to let it take over and stay calm. I'm focusing on my outfit instead.
