Something lost and never seen....

[Sugar and Spice]

Thanks everyone for stopping by. I haven't been posting much, but I have been reading...I need to catch up though. Things have been weird, thats just the best way to describe it...weird.

H has been calling and talking to me about his situation with the baby and OW. Apparently she has decided she wants to move out and get a place, I don't know if she actually asked H to move too or not, but hes not going to. He has decided that after she gives him the paternity test that he will help her get into an apartment. He thinks that the best way would be to just pay part or all of her rent directly to the owner or manager of the complex (as child support). He told her that he won't help her do anything without a paternity test and he wants it done by the doctor as soon as the baby is born, with the blood in the umbilical cord. The troll said fine, if thats what he wants then he has to go to the Dr. with her and tell the Dr. himself (I think she is hoping that he will feel bad and chicken out.)
Saturday night we had to both be at DS football game and he was really nice. We have been getting along really well, but it has been so hard for me.
After the game DS and I left and went to get something to drink and H called and tells me the following:

"I'm not trying to torture you. I think things are going to be coming to an end soon."

We have talked quite a bit about things this week and he actually made a counseling appt. for Sept. 5. In one breath he says he needs/wants to get his life in order and figure things out and then he also played cards Friday, Saturday and yesterday. I don't know what to think. I know that the next couple of months, waiting for this child to be born and for him to really decide what he is going to do is going to be even harder than finding out.

I'm just tired and want to be happy again. I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired. I feel whiny, needy and vulnerable and I HATE IT! I try to be strong and I am strong, but sometimes it takes everything I have and there is nothing left.

I just don't want to be standing at the end, looking back at this experience thinking...what were you thinking? How could you be so stupid?

I'm just having a hard time. We seem to take a step or two forward and then take several steps backward. Pushme Pullyou. Sorry to vent, but I hate feeling like this....