Back after another month or so away. Too busy and too confused to post.
I've changed my display name again (used to be Ingrid, then imt) and removed the details from my signature line, because I'm going to direct my H to the Thinking About Leaving forum. If he searches for my name, he'll find my posts, but whatever - I don't think he'll make the effort.
On my last thread (link below), I had heard from my H that - he loved me, wanted to stay, offered 'full' truth of what he's been hiding all these years.
2 weeks later - H felt hopeless, thought he'd move out in August
I went back to basic DBing, as much as I could, feeling as though I had been kicked in the gut. Reached my goal, H willing to work on M, only to have it snatched away again.
He was really distant for about three weeks, sleeping a lot, back almost to the way he was last fall.
I haven't been snooping, but finally looked on his computer one day to find that he had been looking at rental ads online. By the end of the day, I had given up. He was leaving, I had given it my best shot, but my M was over. I started crying in the late afternoon and just sobbed for hours. I had to hide, because I just couldn't stop.
Finally went to bed, where I sobbed for a couple more hours. Forcing myself to let go of my M, of my hope that we might be able to change things for both of us.
When I got up the next morning, the skin around my eyes was so puffy, it was unbelievable. I've never looked like that before, like someone had been punching me all night, but without the bruises. Had to wear sunglasses all day, even in the house.
Note to self: when sobbing for hours, lie on back with cold cloth or something on eyes. (too Bridget Jones Diary?)
Anyway, when my H came to bed that night, he asked if he could hold me, and I said no, because I had just managed to calm myself down enough to think that perhaps I could sleep and I knew if he touched me I'd start again. Of course, I started again anyway. I sobbed so much I actually threw up, twice.
I remember saying that I was trying to let him go and that I couldn't stop crying because I kept picturing all the future moments we'd never have. He asked me what I saw and I asked him if he was just trying to be cruel. He said no, that he did love me and wanted to make things work, that he had withdrawn for a couple of weeks in order to think things over.
We had a lovely afternoon at the beach the day of the puffy eyes. Real conversation, real connection. Things have again gone downhill again, but I was expecting it this time.
We had a camping trip planned for August. Prior to his latest announcement of love, I had told him that I would take the kids on my own. With the M on again, he asked me why I had wanted to do that - because our vacation last year was terrible, full of fighting and tension, and because he was planning to move out, for god's sake, what does he think!?! (didn't say it like that)
I asked him what his intentions were at this point and he said that he was planning to come with us. He seemed surprised that I asked.
That was before the camping trip, which we just got back from. The first couple of days weren't so good - he just picked up a book and hardly looked up. I had a bit of a meltdown, during which he said that he has made arrangements for counselling (this week). There was also a real effort on his part to be more involved in the camping trip, so it ended up being mostly okay.
Except that he hasn't touched me for a week - not just no sex, but very little physical contact. He did kiss me goodbye when he left for work this morning.
I am going to send him the link to the Thinking About Leaving forum and another forum where addictions, including sexual, are discussed, since he seems open to thinking about things more now. I asked him some time ago if I could send him some links and he said okay. I haven't done it yet - a 180 for me, I usually jump all over things like that - but the time feels right now.
Whew, what a novel. Sorry to take so long, but I think I'm all caught up now.
