For the Guy with Kids and a WW 10

[hopeful4her]

Hey kat.

It would purely be for me. I'm sure its not a good idea. Just something I've thought about.

About one and a half years after our divorce, she contacted me. She wanted to meet up to talk. I was already remarried and GBG was about 7 months along with D11. We met and she wanted to basically have closure. She thanked me for the times we had, the house we bought together that she kept. Even for our dog that I had gotten for us. I told her that I respected her greatly, and that I don't think that I would have had the balls to do what she did. She asked if I wanted to have dinner at the place we were at, but I declined and left. AT the time, I was so sure of my decision, that I don't think that I have ever said that I was sorry.

That was the last time I have ever seen her. I'm sure things worked out way better for her and I'm sure that contacting her would be a mistake. We have both moved on. At this point, there some things just better left unsaid, I think.

Today's sermon was on "No Loss is Too Devasting" and the grieving process.

Denial
"I cant believe this is happening to me."

Anger
"Who is responsible for this happening to me?"

Bargaining
"What could I have done to prevent this?"

Depression
"I can't go on."

Acceptance
"This has happened; I must move forward."

Life is filled with losses we just cannot understand. We may lose a battle, but we don't necessarily have to lose the war. The 3 promises from God when we deal with a loss.

The Lord can HEAR you.
The Lord can HELP you.
The Lord can HEAL you.

Nothings too hard for God.

Also Job. "The Lord giveth, and the Lord taketh away."

Fitting? Oh yeah.

[hopeful4her]

I just got back from a visit to GBG's apartment.

I had called her earlier. First I asked how the trip went. She said good but she is tired.

As usual.

I told her that I had gotten some more supplies for the D's and that I have a shirt here that D11 wanted to wear tomorrow for the first day of school. She said to bring them over. I told her I'll be there after a while. She says that she can go to the store when I get there. D6 wants to take lunch. I tell her that I just bought a lot of stuff and she can just buy lunch her first day or I can bring some stuff over.

"Oh yeah, I forgot your going to have the girls this week. At least I have breakfast stuff."

At the apartment, D11 was happy to see me. D6 was in the shower. S14 came out to see me. I was there at least 10 minutes before GBG and I said hello to each other. I let her say hi first. The kids and I talk a bit about school. Then D11 and I sit on the floor to go over the supply lists. Then S14 joins in and goes over his stuff. Then GBG comes and sits down to go over D6's stuff.

There we were. On her living room floor going through the kids stuff. The family. Like we are supposed to, but it should be at home. I sit there realizing this and start to think that I need to leave soon. This was not supposed to be family time at her apartment. We finish up and I start to talk to S14. He wants to show me some clothes that he got in Laredo. Grandpa took the kids shopping. He wants to model. I let him know how cool he looks. GBG is working on a project with D6 that should have been done before, but they forgot. Now they are doing it at 8:15. Almost time for bed. We also talk about bus schedules. Sounds like we are going to have to put D6 into the afterschool program at the school.

I start to say goodbyes. S14 is talking about how his binder and a few things are at his grandpa's house and now his dad can't bring them because he is not going home or something. GBG looks upset and says she'll go alone, because I'm leaving and he has to stay with the girls. I was being quiet, but then I ask, "Do you need to go to the store too?"
She says no. I tell S14 lets go get his stuff.

After I said it, I was pissed at myself. How could I be so stupid. I took him and we talked a little. He told me he is going to live with his mom until his dad finds his own apartment. I hadn't heard this. I started to feel very sad. After he got his stuff, on the way back, I could feel myself starting to tear up. I was fighting it and fighting it.

Back at the apartment, he hugs me and I hold him. I tell him goodbye, I love him and I miss him. He says he loves me and misses me too. I'm pretty sure he could hear my voice starting to crack. He tells me that he'll see me on Wednesday and Thursday. He is going to stay with me on those days every week.

He leaves and that was it. I just started to break down. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Seeing us all there together, seeing her. Knowing that she doesn't want me. She wants him. It just came out. I think the whole way home. and I live far. Near the house, I texted a message to her.

"Good night". I almost told her I missed her.

I typed the good night out, but debated and debated. Then I erased it. How can I let her bring me to this? I'm stronger than this, damn it! I already F'ed up and did her a favor. Now I want to break down and text her something?

No. I will try to keep it up. Keep up what I'm doing.

Tomorrow, we might both take D6 to class. First grade. D11 wanted to ride the bus. I wonder if GBG will want to talk after we drop her off. She took the day off. I told my boss I'll be in late.

If she does, I guess I'll ask her, "Are there things that we NEED to talk about? What kind of things?"

Tonight, I was happy with my kids. Lots of hugging. I was kinda cool towards her. Not mean. Just not talky. Same as I have been. She did not see my sadness. But I'm pretty sure my son did, later. I hope he didn't say anything.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

And I was doing so well. If only I didn't see her, I think.

I can't wait to bring the girls home tomorrow night.

[lost_in_space]

H4H

I think you did well at GBG's. Should you have left sooner? Maybe. But do what you think is right for you.

Nowa, get some rest - and look forward to a great week with your D's. They sound excited to see you every time, so you will have a great week.

[hopeful4her]

Thanks for the words lis. Sorry I haven't posted to you in a while. I'll catch up.

Yeah, I should have left a bit earlier, but I wanted to help get the girls things together. But yeah, I should have just dropped off the stuff, said my hello's and then my goodbyes.

I'll learn.

And I hope the doesn't try to offer dinner for tomorrow night. Since she is off the whole day, I have a feeling that she might try that. I'll need to come up with a reason not to.

Hope your week goes well. I think I saw Canada win a Kayak race on Saturday. One of the mens races I think. Not a single American in any of those finals I think. We must suck at it.

I'm ready for the Olympics to be over so I can get some rest. I become glued to them.

[lost_in_space]

H4H

I hear you on the Olympics. Will hopefully get to sleep before 1 am!

[hopeful4her]

And by the way folks.

I did some sniffing today.

It turns out that I like the Acqua di Gio and one more.

Diesel. I little sweet, but sexy I think.

I think the girlies would like it. But the thought of spending $60 on cologne for myself just gets me. I can't remember the last time I bought for myself. Always bought for her, and she always got mine for me.

I'll just have to break down on my next paycheck.

[lost_in_space]

Attaboy!

[hopeful4her]

I ended up meeting GBG and both girls at D6 school. I told them how beautiful they both were. D6 was so excited about the first day. She couldn't stop smiling. She held my hand all the way to her class. After wards, we need to get D11 to school. GBG offers to let me take her so she can get back for S14 and something about the key to her apartment. She says her goodbyes. Walking off, I look back at her and GBG gives me a frown. I give a quick nod of assurance and hold D11 close.

This is funny. There is a girl that I used to work with YEARS ago. We were both tellers. She now lives in the little town that I live in. Just not as far out as me. I'm in the sticks. She has kids the same age as I. A first grader and a sixth grader. Last Thursday at the middle school, we must have passed each other 4 times. We laughed everytime. Then on Sunday at the mall, I'm checking out the colognes, she comes up to me with her son. We laugh again. We talk a little. Let her son smell some. She approves of the ones I like and then she takes off. Today at D6 school, we pass each other in the hall. Later D11 and I are sitting outside talking to GBG for a second. She passes us on the way to her car. D11 and I start to laugh on how much we keep seeing her. I told D11 about the mall. D11 says she can't believe how many times I've seen her. I say that maybe she is stalking me. At our cars, GBG asks D11, not me, why that lady looks familiar. I give a quick explaination of who she is.

"Oh"

Turning into the middle school, D11 says, "LOOK!"

My friend is on the opposite side leaving the school. Both of us stuck in traffic. We start to crack up. I say that maybe God is sending me a sign that I need to talk to her more. We laugh.

It was too funny.

Before I got to work, GBG called me but I had the music up to loud. I see the missed call and call her back. She wanted to know how it went. I told her we were fine. She tells me how she had to take S14 to school because he missed the bus. The school is across the street. The campus is HUGE so it would be a long walk. We talk about how D11 is going to be ok. Nervous but ok.

"Well, I just wanted to find out how it went. I'm going to try to get some running around done."
"Okay. I told Amanda to get her stuff packed and ready for when I get off of work."
"okay."
"I'll call ya'll when I get out."

I'm in a good mood today. Windows down, radio blasting.

And I think GBG is gaining more weight.

[lost_in_space]

H4H

Loud music and windows down! I like it. In fact, did that yesterday with D10, S13 and a friend of his. We were all dancing (as well as you can in a vehicle) to the music cruising down the street.

ROCK ON! (ok, a little dated there...)

[kat727]

I see you must have dabbed on some "mojo" yourself!

kat