Each new "cut" hurts as much as the last!

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Abbey,
I'm sorry you have been suffering and hearing those things about OW must have been such a slap in the face. Can I ask you - why did you leave the house and neighbourhood, if HE's the one that had the A?? Did he make you leave? Can you not ask for the house back and for him to move out !?? You are M so the house is legally half yours right? Not sure how you would play that one.

Yuo must feel very pushed out, as he is still there amongst family and friends and you have been sort of ostracised and it really is unfair. Its good that you are getting validation from all your friends and his family members - that this woman is no good for him, he looks a fool, whats he playing at. It would have been SO much harder if they had embraced her in any way!

As for your questions, I dont know either, but I will offer some opinions at least
1) - dont be so hard on yourself, maybe its not yet possible to detach as what you are hearing is painful. Give yourself more time, rome wasnt built in a day. Its a moving target, so one day, it wont hurt as much as right now.

2) Like Lisa...maybe just cast it from your mind, dont think about the reality of their R or wht new trinket he's buying her? Its just stuff and this R is doomed from the outset, so try and not dwell on it, easy to say I know! And who accepts a NEW CAR as a gift off someone you just started seeing !???

As for 3) - did you get a DB session? Seems like they would be best placed to answer this one. I guess for now, if he contacts you, I would say, mirror his communication, so say, if he emails to say how are you, email back saying ok, how are you? If he wants to go for a meal with you, accept graciously but try not to get upset/down around him? Hard again, I know, as I think this DBing stuff requires us to wear masks and to mask our emotions so as to make it safe for the WAS so spend time around us. Which is hard, you have to literally swallow your emotions.

4) Its bound to go in waves, or in cycles, I had this too... but I thikn its ever decreasing circles, so each time you dip down, after weeks, months, maybe the dip wont be so bad. Again, dont be too hard on yourself, you've had a huge shock and upset and its probably one of the most stressful things to have happened for many years, if ever? He wont help you out, as my ex hasnt, they left for whatever complex reasons and therefore, they are detached by nature and they seem to lack empathy. Its like they become selfish. I dont think for one moment though he doesnt realise and think about how hurt you are, he's clearly not stupid, he just cant make it alright, or do anything about it, so they shut it out, ignore it. Someone once said to me that guilt was our enemy - they feel tremendous guilt over hurting us and this can make them withdraw or avoid, so you have to lessen the impact of guilt. Be friendly and upbeat when he speaks to you. Of course, if you're 'done' then by all means, let rip at him and be damned hey !

5) If you feel this bad, then you have to stop DBing in terms of getting him back and protect yourself. Dont initiate contact. If its really killing you, then write a letter to him. Stay away for now and try and get a bit of strength to cope with contact with him. Its no good if its making you ill. Only do what you can cope with, I think these sitches take a loooong time to play out, so nothing will be lost if you step back for a while?

Thinking of you Abbey, aer you still seeing your C? When I was in a very bad way 6 months back, I upped mine to twice a week and also called the helpline to talk to someone once a week, so I was getting help every few days. Maybe increase the support your getting whilst you feel low?

Ali xxx