Detaching

[brandnewday]

....so, BND, how did you come to grips with the reattaching, giving up closet space, and being accountable for your time?

Honestly....

Piecing sucked in the begining.
The first few weeks were the honeymoon period, it was fun, the sex was great, we were both on our best behaviour and we were both so grateful to have our family back together again.

Then reality set in.

Now it was time to put into practice all of the things I had learned through Divorce-Busting.

I had to really learn how to listen to my Husband's words and the things he was saying. I was so used to detaching from it all because of his MLC spew, that I had forgotten how to be his partner again.

I was so used to doing it all alone and raising the kids alone and making the rules alone and budgeting all alone and now my Husband wanted to be a part of it all again and I wasn't so sure if I really had it in me to really let go properly.

Disciplining the kids was a biggie for me. They were used to having just me around and I had to zip my lip when my Husband would tell them off or send them to their room.

And then there was the cooking. I love to cook, and my Husband decided that when he came home he wanted to also play around in the kitchen. He is a lousy cook and I have had to try and encourage him rather then make comments and faces.

And then there was the first fight...blech!
And it was about money and I was sooo pissed off because he had come home with so much debt and had spent our entire savings and wiped out our retirement and my attitude sucked because I felt that he had no say anymore as to how the money was spent.

And then I remembered what I had been praying for for so many years.

I wanted my family complete again.

I wanted a new and better Marriage, and so I have had to learn how to communicate better, rather then to shut down.

Jack kept telling me to use my words, but I had forgotten how to really talk to my Husband. I was afraid of saying the wrong thing and having him tell me that my changes were not real.

DB taught me how to keep my big mouth shut.

It taught me how to detach from the BS and focus on what was really important.

I have spent the past 17 months trying to find a balance, and I think that is what has made this so difficult for me.

My Husband is grateful for the changes I have made, and he tells me all of the time how much he loves the new me.

Unfortunately for many MLC'ers, they don't change at the same rate we do. I believe they become stagnant during the crisis and while we evolve into better people, they remain the same.

Only now do I see my Husband's changes, although they have been slow in coming, he is moving in the right direction.

This weekend I was upset about something he had said to me. I guess he could tell from my silence that I was "stewing" and he told me that he was sorry for being such an insensitive jerk and that he is really trying to be a better Husband.

This is why we have to focus on ourselves and detach from them. Work on our own issues and become better people.

Regardless of whether or not they ever come home we need to be in a position of strength not weakness. That means to be strong in who we are, and to conquer our own personal fears.

My therapist told me once that I had to stop being afraid. The worst had already happened.....he had left, and I was alone, and I didn't die, I was still alive and kicking and needed tomake the most out of my life for myself and my children.