Thanks so much for posting. I think it's really very odd how time appears to be moving so slowly. Each day feels like a week, and I get confused about how much is changing month to month. Although I know this must have really begun a long time ago, it seems like it was only yesterday that we were (apparently) together and happy. I'm under no illusions though.
TD, thanks again for your insight. Just a bit of background on OM situation..... It would appear from all accounts that his wife has many issues, has been violent, and has consistently avoided all his advances and attempts at making their marriage work. Of course, as you rightly say, this is to some extent, 3rd party info, and can be biased in any number of ways.
I am "afraid" of him, principally because I see my W being inexorably drawn toward him in her words and actions. Just as a for instance, as she drove me to leave home yesterday, a song came on the radio that just happened to be "their" song from High school. She turned up the radio full blast and shouted "Oh I LOVE this song". Silly, I know, but these little things can wound deeply.
The weekend was not entirely without incident, although I had tried so hard to DB with a little success I think. She had stayed at her sister's and so there was not too much interaction between us. I think at best, it might be described as "strained", with the old "elephant in the room" thing. She appears to be building those defences and walls even higher now, and there is little sign of warmth.
OM had not been mentioned all w/end, perhaps because I had tried to make it clear that I felt disrespected by her constant references to him. But as her song played, she said " You should know that he has gone back to his family, and I hope that She (OM'S W) gets her act together for his sake". Blimey! That's alright then... lol
About half an hour before I had to leave, she decided to initiate a conversation about how our possible future would look. By that, I mean that she let me know that she was upset and angry that I was looking at other options for working more from home. Though she made it clear that she understood that it was my home too, and she could not stop me from spending more time there, she felt that it was too late, and resented that it was now that I was making changes, instead of a few years ago when it would have made a huge difference.
She also said that she could not envisage a situation where we would both be in the same house, partly because of the stress to both her and the children, but also because she didn't want to see me in constant pain from the rejection. She mentioned a friend of ours who, when split, tried to live in 2 parts of the same house. It caused untold pain and suffering to the partner still in love with his estranged wife, and she didn't want to put me through that.
I guess that makes perfect sense to her in the logic of the WAW. Hell, it makes sense to me too in many ways. I have been reading some of the posts from WAW section, and I see so many of the patterns of behaviour in my wife.
I did my very best to listen and validate, but she kept on pressing me on how I could possibly see a situation like that working for us. All I said was, that I didn't know how this would all end up, and that we were on a journey. Divorce was not mentioned at all, except in an earlier email last week, where she had said...... " I don't want to talk about divorce at the moment. I want us to get to the point where we can be friends and talk, and if we decide on divorce, we will do it together. That will save any bitterness in the future".
You see, when I read that back, I could see how that might be interpreted as "hopeful". But it appears that with every interaction, she pushes me further and further away. I know WAW speak in absolute negatives, and it's desperately hard not to want to just throw in the towel and try to escape the interminable pain.
My biggest dilemma right now, (apart from teetering on the brink of caving in), is to know whether trying to engender a situation where I am at home more, would be the final nail in the coffin. She may begin to resent me even more for invading her space, and interfering with her "new life". I appear to be damned if I do, and damned if I don't.
She must be very concerned about what will happen with our home. She asked leading questions about my work in the future and was hoping that I would be able to afford a proper home of my own, while she could retain the family home and presumably continue as normal. Whilst I am desperate not to uproot my family, there is no way that I could maintain 2 separate households, and I'm feeling that if there really is no hope for reconcilliation, that I will need to bring up the fact that we'll have to sell. That will be my very last call, and I'm not going there until I have exhaused all possibilities.
She also questioned me about the C that I am about to see. I don't think she believed that I had actually made the appointment, and asked what her name was, how I found her etc.
Anyhow, that 's where I'm at right now. Not really knowing whether I'm coming or going. So nearly sent her a text this morning telling her that I couldn't do this any more. BTW, I didn't. Managed to hold off.
(((Lola,))) it was a pleasure. You are an inspiration to me, and I will take on board what you say about the C. Thank you! I hope your sitch improves soon.
(((San))).... I'm so so sorry that you're going through this. I have been in that situation, where your partner is in A with best friend. That is just too hideous, and I feel for your heart deeply. Please do feel free to share and vent, and if we can find any commonality in our situations, perhaps it might help us both.
I need so so badly to GAL and start getting out of the fog, and that seems to be the only real options open to us right now.
Praying and hoping for better times for us all.
Thanks, and sorry for the long post.
me: 45 w: 43 Married 19yrs Separated 6 months 2 children Bomb April2008 OM/EA May 2008. Not filed yet.
