Hi Everyone:

The impact of the transition from working insane hours to being able to have a life hours caught me off guard. I thought if I cut back on work - well I would instantly be happier and all would be good.

I didn't realize that there would be this "withdrawal" period where I would feel anxiety/guilt/depression/paralysis and a sense of worthlessness. I am feeling a little more rested now and feel so guilty I am going on vacaton when there is so much work on my desk and things that need to be donw around the house and with respect to the adoption stuff - well really I feel better than I did a week ago... This is all wrong...

I wonder if this is why some people drop dead months after they retire - they feel lost and depressed...

This weekend - I cleaned out the cabinets, cleaned out the refrigerator, did the kitchen hardwood floors on my hands and knees, fertilized the lawn - the front yard only but that is the larger part. I have landscaped the back so there is less lawn...

I actually started the morning doing nothing and as the day wore on I felt increasingly depressed - until I dived into housework and then felt better... I cancelled the volunteer party b/c I was in the middle of cleaning. I cancelled going to the single meet up b/c well I was going on vacation and felt guilty taking time off during the work week... So I am cheating. I just used a different type of work to fill the void... I feel guilty and weird having fun for the sake of having fun...

The GAL is work in progress. A month or two ago - I wouldn't have had two social occasions to cancel. I need to figure out some goals to help me ride out the anxiety/guilt/depression on the weekends w/o finding a new type of work to fill the void...

And the truth is I am not as effective at work. I am burned out and tired. I get a little energy - ramp up to get done what needs to get done and am tired again...

Lately I find myself unable to relax in my garden or even read a book. I find my mind wandering when I watch movies. I am very restless.

I am so glad that I have this vacation coming up. This time next week - I will be "under" the ocean swimming with the fishies! \:\) I wonder if it is okay to fill all my time on vacation with activities. \:o

Life is good - I am just out of whack...and therefore incapable of embracing what is right now...

take care,
AG