It is sad that he doesn't come around except on his scheduled times. I am not sure why, he had always been very involved in the girls. When he missed putting them to be one night b/c he was out he would be so upset. Now he goes days without seeing them. Maybe he is uncomfortable but I have been nothing but nice, upbeat, friendly, joking, no R talk. I don't even ask him what he is doing which is soooo hard for me.
As far as calling during a crisis, this is the first. I really don't hear from him at all except when we talk at night before the girls go to bed and on pick ups and drop offs.
I feel that ever since the talk he had with me and he let his guard down big time, he is doing to me what I have been doing to him. He is nice, friendly, but does not offer any info on what he is doing anymore. Very generic just that he has plans. He has not asked what I have been doing either. Do you think that it is backfiring now. I have been doing this for 1 1/2 mos. I don't know if he is waiting for me to make a move or if he is still testing me.
He did make a comment to me that he thought that I really understood where he was coming from but he wasn't sure he thought that I might just be saying what I know he wants to hear to see if he will bite. I think he is very guarded and the walls are built, hurricane proof I think!
A big complaint he had in our M was that I never took the lead to plan activities or get a sitter for the girls so we could spend time together. I have the girls this weekend and on tonight I am going out with some friends and I got a sitter. We aren't leaving until later so the girls with be in bed. Do you think I should tell my H I got a sitter? I feel so guilty, this is a big part of our problem.
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
A quick update: He called last night to say goodnight to the girls and asked what we were doing. I told him that we were at a Pampered Chef party and then the I was going out. He asked if I was taking the girls and I said no that I got a sitter. He asked who the sitter was and I told him our friends Mom. I then asked him if that was ok. and he said of course I don't need to ask him that. He then asked where we were going so I told him. We were going to a club.
I felt so badgered with questions that I made a mistake and asked him what he was doing. He said that he was probably going to stay in and watch movies maybe with his 23yr old friend. I said to him oh I thought you had plans fri and sat and he said well it rained last night and that a group of them were suppose to go to an amusement park. It is obvious he is lying to me I am sure that the group includes the 21yr old "friend". I know this is why I am not supposed to ask and I have done such a good job not doing so. Do you think that I messed up b/c I put him on the spot to lie I guess.
I have read many posts and do feel there is hope for my situation but today I wonder if that is really true. Should I just give up and call it quits this is so very hard as you all know.
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
No. You have not messed up. It was a momentary backslide. Its time to get back on the DB wagon.
Think of this. Your H was interested enough to ask about your plans, and what you were doing. He is curious. Chalk your questions up to idle conversation.
TH, we all make mistakes. We all get a momentary lapse of reason, but we pick up and continue on.
And it is normal to be on that rollercoaster, wondering from day to day whether you are doing the right thing. Only you can answer that. I will suggest that you ask God for guidance, and listen to your heart, because it NEVER lies...
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
You only give up when you are ready to give up. Like Lola said it was a little backslide. Believe me, there are plenty that do a lot worse than that. I agree with what Lola said.
Sounds like your H is off in his own little world right now. You should really read some of the material on MLC....lets us know if any of it sounds familiar
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
So confused once again. Ever since the talk when he came over he has been acting as if himself. He called last night to say goodnight to the girls after their bedtime and said he lost track of time. He said that he missed the girls alot and it has been a rough week for him. I made the conversation quick and told him to have a nice night. Then he texted me this morn at 6:30 to tell me to give the girls a big hug and kiss for him and a big squeeze and said he missed them a lot and then told me to have a nice day.
He then called me at 11am and was down and missing the girls and wanted to propose a new visitation schedule that his 23yr friend has for his son. It would only add 2 more days a month but the way he was presenting it was like he had seen a lawyer. I did not get mad just had questions and asked what that did to the support and also that we agreed we wanted things to be stable for the girls. I told him that these are the consequences of his actions. Things can't remain the same. I backslid again and said that he does not want to work on this. He said that he is the one that is losing everything and all that I am losing is him and I never cared about him anyway. I told him that he knows that that is not true. He said he did not get a lawyer and does not want to. It is a waste of money. I asked about why he has not used his open access with the girls and he said that I make him feel uncomfortable. He has not been around the house to hang out with them in over a month. I have been so upbeat, friendly, nice, etc with him. He is basing this off of the old me and he said that he doesn't know why I have not called him and suggested him coming over to be with the girls. I
I told him that I did not think he knew what a divorce was. He can't have his cake and eat it too. I was real bad and should have never went down this path with him. More steps back. I don't know what he wants. He said that I never suggest anything in our situation ie. visitation, finances. He then has to be the one to break the ice. He said that he wants to do whatever it takes to keep me and the girls in the house and he will get a 2nd job in order to do so. I don't understand him at all. This is a far cry from 2 mondays ago where he let his guard. I am thinking it is time for a letter. I don't know, any suggestions. I did mention to him that he said that he did not want to lose me and I said what does he think he is doing. He responded and said that he thinks he has already lost me and that we are not friends. Sooooooooo frustrating!
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
He has not been around the house to hang out with them in over a month. I have been so upbeat, friendly, nice, etc with him. He is basing this off of the old me and he said that he doesn't know why I have not called him and suggested him coming over to be with the girls.
TH,
I know you invited him once and he had plans....perhaps another invitation after this statement might be nice. Nothing pressuring....perhaps even on neutral ground (see if he wants to meet y'all at the park or something like that, or invite him over to watch a movie with the kids.....mine loved the movie ET)
Basically change tacts a little bit. What you have been doing hasn't necessarily pushed him away, but it sounds like he feels like he needs to be invited back into his home to visit.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
I have been out of town for work so my H had the girls on Wed and Thurs. This is his weekend and he let me keep them on Fri night. He just picked them up. He gave me a hug when he came in. This was the first time I had seen him since last Thurs. He stayed and talked for a little bit. He wasn't quick to leave. We are suppose to go to a friends wedding in September and our girls are the flower girls. I asked him if he was going and he said yes. He then asked if I was going and we both talked as if we had to b/c of the girls. He was suppose to be the best man but was kicked out b/c of his actions as of late.
He was doing a lot of talking about his friends and how they all have not been there for him. Everything is always about him and I just listened. He used to take the lead with every relationship ie. me, friends, family. Now he feels that it is everybody else's turn to ask him to do things and take the lead and if they don't then forget them, they never cared about me anyway. Same thing he says about me.
I told him we could go with his new schedule. He thanked me and he also gave me money which is his new thing now. He already pays for the bills of the house but now he is giving me $300 extra a month.
I feel like whatever steps I take I am making a mistake. I would like to invite him to activities out of the home, I just feel like he is living this other life now and he is content with it. New friends, young friends possibly OW(21yr old). I don't think he thinks about our R at all.
What really gets me is that he has lost all responsibility. He knows that we have dogs and someone needed to take care of them when I was gone. He never offered. I had a friend do it. Then the yard needs taken care of. I have asked him to help me with this and he said to just call when I want him to do. Why can't he offer. He knows how hard it is for me to get everything done work full time, take care of the girls, clean house, yard work. I hope that he is just in a really bad fog and that he will soon come out of it!
Me-30 H-30 M-6yrs T-14yrs Twin D's-2 Bomb-1/01/08 Left Home 2/01/08 (rented a room) Back Home 4/02/08 Left Home 5/08/08 (moved into own apt.) OW-21 5/29/08
That is good that your H wasn't quick to leave. Don't be afraid to ask him for that joint activity with the girls......worst he can say is no. He was nice to let you have them Friday night.....reciprocate.
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He was doing a lot of talking about his friends and how they all have not been there for him. Everything is always about him and I just listened. He used to take the lead with every relationship ie. me, friends, family. Now he feels that it is everybody else's turn to ask him to do things and take the lead and if they don't then forget them, they never cared about me anyway. Same thing he says about me.
First off, don't believe everything he says and only half of what he does. My W's family/friends pretty much didn't support what she was doing. Your H's lack of responsibility and alienation might be related to a Quarter Life Crisis (QLC) especially since you two were high school sweethearts.....having kids is a life changing experience and he never really got to "enjoy" his youth. I am not saying this is the case but it might do you some good to read about MLC and see some of the behaviors that are prevalent and see if they ring true. On the good side, he seems to have a strong devotion to taking care of you and the children finacially. The fog you speak of is pretty typical.
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Then the yard needs taken care of. I have asked him to help me with this and he said to just call when I want him to do
So ask him to do so. You may want him to volunteer all of the time, but he is not in that mindset. Accept the fact that he offered to help and take advantage of it. It is wins across the board....opportunity for you to DB (i.e. contact and an opportunity to show your chnages), he gets to see the girls, the yard gets cut........
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
