Please help me to not give up............

[TwinDad]

Grant,

You are doing the right thing. This isn't easy, but you are doing well.

I wish that he was someone that my wife didn't know before. I guess I'm thinking out loud as I write here, but perhaps it really is about how OUR R is dead, more than that he is the new R. I'm very scared and confused. She's just SO not the person I know (certainly in her behaviour toward me), apart from her absolute resolute dedication to our kids.
I have, at Lola's suggestion, made an appointment with a therapist\counseller next week. I am hoping that she will be able to assist in some way with many of my core issues in my life and my relationship, or lack thereof with my W.

Why are you so afraid of this man? From your description of him, his biggest strength is spending time with his children.....i.e. a family man......but yet he walks out on them? I obviously don't know the details of his R with his W, but I do know there are always two sides to a story and just in his discussions with your W he is far from innocent in his R with his W. Also I am sure your W is only hearing one side of it.....as he probably has little pity parties. If he spends enough time away from home, the other side will likely come out in some fashiopn or another.

So if his greatest strength is spending time with kids......that will becoe yours as well (should be under any circumstances). He will never be able to compete with the fact that your W and you share the same love for your children.....focus off the R onto the kids!

I don't think I would involve your W in the IC discussions. I wouldn't necessarily be afraid to talk about it if she brings it up....but I woul dbe very cautious about it turning into an R talk.....remember your reasons for going to IC are to help you become a better person....not save your M.

Most of all, I'm hoping that she wont simply say that I should give up now, as my R with W if clearly over

If your IC says this, then you need to find a new IC....seriously. The IC should support your goals. Don't be afraid to ask her if she is willing to support you in the endeavor first thing when you get there. You don't give up until you are ready to give up.....period (despite what your W or IC might say)

I don't want any of the people I love in my life to suffer needlessly in all this

You are a good person.


Teh mosty important thing right now is to make your changes in you and be consistent. Realize, it took a while for your W to reach her current state of thinking....it is going to take a while for her to turn her thoughts around. In the interim she will be watching you, be consistent so she can learn to TRUST your changes as real and make them real!