I'm interested in this "Passionate Marriage" book now, thanks for posting about it.
Have you also read the Women from Venus Men from Mars book? One Day recommended it to me, and I've found it to be really insightful, particularly the analogy about the man retreating to his cave. It sort of lightens the situation when you are able to think of it this way, or so I'm finding...
Hope you're doing well today! ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
(((Lola))) - I think what you said about letting the WAS's take control of the flow of information that they are comfortable to give is really key, also something I need to work on and am going to try really hard at on Wednesday - my mantra, must keep my mouth shut and then hopefully it will at least halve what comes out of my mouth!! lol
(((Poet))) - Thank you for stopping by my thread. Going dark is really hard, but I seem a lot more able to do this these days. I am not as anxious as I was. Of course I go through stages but the rollercoaster is not so steep. I am kind of lucky that the d word has never been mentioned but I don't think that means it is any less likely to be there. He is just not ready to embrace that yet (hopefully it never will be) but I have to be prepared just in case. Copy away on the quotes no problem.
(((Pisces))) - Thank you for stopping by. I do feel quite clear at the moment which is great. I'm trying to keep up my PMA!!
(((ITH))) - I have read Mars and Venus and it was very enlightening and really helped me in my interactions with my h. It also helped me understand some of his behaviour and not to react to it as I would have done before. The only thing was it made me blame myself, which I have a tendancy to do, a lot for past interactions thinking I should have known better, but after I got over that it was really helpful.
(((Jen))) - Yes, it is great news. I am trying not to have any expectations!!
Well, what a great day yesterday. I went to the Notting Hill carnival in the afternoon, which I have never been to before. It was really amazing, just loads of people everywhere dancing in the street and eating great food and chilling out. It was really good. There were loads of police everywhere so I felt really safe and even they were just all relaxed and friendly and chatty so it was really cool.
In the evening Lisa and I met up for the Prom. It was such a good concert. We 'prommed' which means you buy standing tickets on the day. We were up in the Gallery of the Albert Hall which is one of my favourite ever places to be. I love it up there, you get an amazing view of the Hall and you can just chill out. The quality of the music was just phenomenal and of course the company was great and we got whistled at on the walk back to the station so were clearly looking hot
I'm off to my Mum and Dad's for a roast dinner today - yum! And then meeting my best friend for a coffee as she has been away for the past few weeks so we need to catch up.
I used to live in London by the way, went to grad school there between 2004-2006. I miss it sometimes! The Albert Hall is definitely amazing, and the Notting Hill carnival sounds really fun (never made it there myself).
OK keep up the good work, looking forward to another update soon :).
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Thanks for yesterday- I had a great time!! It's always a good night when guys give you the eye in the concert and outside and you can walk away smiling
Wow, you met Lisa for a night out!? I'm so jealous that I live miles away, I would have loved to have joined you. Funny, our WAS wouldnt understand the friendships we have built up here and ot that we could tell them (maybe one day hey).
You sound like you have your head screwed on, so I am going to try and follow your lead! T keeps mentioning Passionate Marriage to me and I meant to get a copy, but I thikn I will now reading your quotes. I thught I was always acting in ways that were best for us in my R, but looking back, I guess I didnt always, and I could have altered my views if I had listened to him more. I think I have definetly learnt that lesson now. I'll make someone a great GF one day ! (hopefully him, but who knows).
I really liked that he texted you the photo..as it shows he was thinking about you. I missed what the meeting was about on Wednesday (to discuss money?). Is he ok with financial things, or do you think he finds it hard work and would rather not have to think about it? I ask becuase my ex is very forgetful and barely able to discuss financial things with me, so we have been firefighting all the time, but its because he has been depressed and just wants to be free of responsibility. I wondered if that was the same for your H?
You're doing so well, you dont "spin out" nearly as much as me !!!
Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
"Emotional fusion deceives us into thinking that we're not connected and move away in defense. But the deeper truth is that we have to move away to counter balance the tremendous impact we feel our spouse has on us." Passionate Marriage, D Schnarch pg 57
This is a really interesting quote, Julia. I'd never really thought about it that way...
Glad that you had such a great weekend! Mmmmmmm-roast dinner. You're making me hungry...
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I just wanted to share some thoughts that have been bothering me today. I met my bf today and then went round to my Mum and Dad's.
In both situations we were having a really nice time except I feel that I can't connect to my friends and some family at the moment because I can't talk about my h to them. It isn't my need to talk that is disconnecting us, as I don't need to; it is their need to talk about it. I know my Mum is really hurt by it and keeps talking around the subject; I just can't talk about it with her. I try to connect in other ways by playing Scrabble with her etc and showing her I am ok but it I still know she is hurt. I am not sure what to do about it really.
With my BF today it was hard. She was the one who gave me the most support and was my rock and kept me going and fighting for my marriage until the second bomb in May, and then she just said enough’s enough.
Two things she said today that really cut me to the quick. The first was when she was showing me a card in a shop and said 'I was going to buy that for you when h was being a b*stard'. I was really shocked. That is my husband do not call him a b*stard!! Was what I wanted to say, instead I just ignored it and tried to detach and move on. The second was when she was trying to talk about h and I was not giving anything away. She said 'you are getting more used to the situation are you'. I wanted to say, I will never be used to the situation I am so far away from the man I love and am working so hard to get back there. I have lost my husband at the moment and am trying to stand for our marriage. Instead I made an indiscriminate noise and moved the conversation on.
I don't seem to be able to stand up for myself with her. I am just using all my strength at the moment to keep up my PMA and to try and keep on this path of progress (no matter how small) that I just couldn't take falling out with her.
Thanks for reading. Detach, detach and keep in mind the end goal. Words hurt and it hurts me that I am causing other people hurt, especially my Mum and probably to some extent my BF.
(((ITH))) -you've really travelled loads. The Albert Hall is one of my favourite places. I'm so pleased I was able to go back there and not be too affected by memories. It was great. (((Lisa))) - hot guys are great for the PMA! (((Ali))) - I used to spend every moment spinnig out so I understand. I would only say that for the moment I am not doing it as much (I hope it is detachment?!) and I am going to keep trying to achieve it. For me what helped was realising that I was holding onto a lot of blame, that was my turning point, but I think it is different for everyone.
It is exactly the same for my h it sounds like with regard to the financial stuff. I am feeling a little apprehensive about Wednesday's meeting but trying hard not to let it take over and stay calm. I'm focusing on my outfit instead.
I AM SO GLAD YOU ARE READING PASSIONATE MARRIAGE!!!!! Those two passages you typed into your post are some of my favorites too !!!!!!!! i am really excited to hear more about what you think about it. I know what you mean, I could read two pages and feel like I had to put the book down to digest. I seriously feel like it is the deepest truth I've ever read about relationships, and I wish everyone on the BBs would read it too. I feel like DB is good for instructions, but in terms of understanding and transformation, a lot of people talk about it on the BB but it's not so much in the DR book, and I feel like passionate marriage is the most amazing tool for that.
that is SO COOL that you and OD got to meet and go to promS!!!! I wish I could have been there!!!
I know what you mean about difficult friends... I'm not sure what the answer is. Some of my friendships/family relationships are OK because I've focused on finding other points of contact, so the relationship has actually been strengthened even though the friend doesn't "get" my DBing... others I feel I am not sure what to do still, and contemplate letting the friendship go ???? though I'm sure you don't want to do that with your BF? Probably patience is the best route?? Maybe you could say something like, "I understand that you would like me to do something different, but this is the path I am choosing to take right now, and I would appreciate your support instead of your criticism." And then eat a cupcake together???
I am sure many people in your life, as they continue to see your success, will later be grateful that you lived this and shared your journey with them, and that now they have another tool they wouldn't have known about otherwise. Even though now they just want you to "get over it" or whatevah!!!
and sometimes we just have to be top secret db operators and not tell anyone what we're doing
ANYWAY thanks for your thoughts on my thread *I* would want to hear your recorder amazingness any day!!
I'm not sure what the answer is. Some of my friendships/family relationships are OK because I've focused on finding other points of contact, so the relationship has actually been strengthened even though the friend doesn't "get" my DBing... others I feel I am not sure what to do still, and contemplate letting the friendship go ???? though I'm sure you don't want to do that with your BF? Probably patience is the best route?? Maybe you could say something like, "I understand that you would like me to do something different, but this is the path I am choosing to take right now, and I would appreciate your support instead of your criticism." And then eat a cupcake together???