to the WAWs

[sandi2]

Dear Bad Company.......why did you choose that name?

Anyway, I did not leave my H but had my hand on the doorknob, so to speak. I was an almost WAW. There were other things that caused me to stay rather than what he said. He really could not say anything to change my mind or "make" me stay. He used "guilt".....such as, "What do you think you daddy would think of you?" (I adored my father and had always wanted to please him. He had passed away many years ago.) Trying to threaten or apply any type of pressure only pushes the WAW further away. My H would tell me, at what I thought was very unusual times, that he loved me......and I knew it was to get a response from me. When I did not tell him that I love him back, he would get mad. He spied and watched me on the computer, went through my personal things in my dresser drawers, etc. He read my email and anything else he could find. When he passed by the pictures sitting out of our grandbaby, he would kiss it and talk about how precious family was......and I knew why he was doing all of that. He took my webcam away and treated me like a child. I almost despised him. He turned into a person I did not recognize. So, no, there was nothing he could say or do to change my mind. My reasons for staying had nothing to do with what he said. I did not have the finances to support myself and I did not want to live with my mother. I was involved in an EA with a man over the Internet. I wanted to have a place of my own. Live by myself and be free to chat over the Internet with whoever I wanted to without being spied on. I wanted to be free to see OM if I wanted to without having to answer to anyone. I had never been free in my life. I went from my parents' home to getting married. So, I had never been "free". Freedom to do what ever I wanted to do without giving an account was the most important desire I had at that time.

However, I did not want to be mean and set out to do deliberate hurt to any of my family. If my H had "exposed" my EA to anyone other than who he did......I would have left him for good. He placed me in a position to have to tell my mother and I knew it was out of anger that he did that. I thought it was a terrible thing he did for me to have to tell my elderly mother what I had done and the pain it caused her. Why would he want to do that to her? That was my way of thinking at that time. I did not want my children to know or anyone in the community. I felt that I had protected my H's reputation over the many years by staying with him. I knew if I left him that it would hurt his reputation in the Church and in the community, plus it would nearly destroy our family. We had been M for 40+ years. So, I stayed, but I was not happy about it. I tried to sneak around to contact OM, but after I came on board here, I was given the advice and support I needed and I broke it off with OM.

The best way for any LBH to deal with a WAW or an almost WAW is just exactly how the DR book tells to do. That is your tools to use and if you try to do it "your way"......it won't work. You cannot understand the mind of a WAW. She is confused, hurt, resentful, bitter, and she is desparate. It depends on the stitch as to what she is desparate, but for most, it is to be away from her H. There have been some stories where the LBH told of his WAW who had none of those feelings that I just described, but instead, the W just felt "nothing". They did not have OM, but just was totally empty of anything left for their H and walked away from the M.

I will tell you what I have told several others. I get the impression you are looking for a quick fix to all of this......and there is none. There is no magic pills, no special events, no certain words.......none of that. You can't come here to ask us what our H could have done differently and think that you will find the "secret" and be able to do what you need to do without any of the hard work and long......long time and patient that it takes. I can tell you what works if you will listen to me. Divorce Busting is what works. Read Michelle's books and do what it says to do. Keep at it every single day and don't give up. Know that it will take a very long time and don't expect any quick fix. If you don't think you can stay in it for the duration.......then you don't have what it takes. I can tell you that it takes a "real man" to endure what you will have to do throughout the process. It takes guts! It takes a lot of love........unconditional love, which means......forgiveness. If you can't forgive.....you might as well say good-bye right now to your wife and start another life for yourself b/c forgiveness is the beginning of the healing.

I hope you have what it takes.

Sandi