For the Guy with Kids and a WW 10

[hopeful4her]

I just got back from a visit to GBG's apartment.

I had called her earlier. First I asked how the trip went. She said good but she is tired.

As usual.

I told her that I had gotten some more supplies for the D's and that I have a shirt here that D11 wanted to wear tomorrow for the first day of school. She said to bring them over. I told her I'll be there after a while. She says that she can go to the store when I get there. D6 wants to take lunch. I tell her that I just bought a lot of stuff and she can just buy lunch her first day or I can bring some stuff over.

"Oh yeah, I forgot your going to have the girls this week. At least I have breakfast stuff."

At the apartment, D11 was happy to see me. D6 was in the shower. S14 came out to see me. I was there at least 10 minutes before GBG and I said hello to each other. I let her say hi first. The kids and I talk a bit about school. Then D11 and I sit on the floor to go over the supply lists. Then S14 joins in and goes over his stuff. Then GBG comes and sits down to go over D6's stuff.

There we were. On her living room floor going through the kids stuff. The family. Like we are supposed to, but it should be at home. I sit there realizing this and start to think that I need to leave soon. This was not supposed to be family time at her apartment. We finish up and I start to talk to S14. He wants to show me some clothes that he got in Laredo. Grandpa took the kids shopping. He wants to model. I let him know how cool he looks. GBG is working on a project with D6 that should have been done before, but they forgot. Now they are doing it at 8:15. Almost time for bed. We also talk about bus schedules. Sounds like we are going to have to put D6 into the afterschool program at the school.

I start to say goodbyes. S14 is talking about how his binder and a few things are at his grandpa's house and now his dad can't bring them because he is not going home or something. GBG looks upset and says she'll go alone, because I'm leaving and he has to stay with the girls. I was being quiet, but then I ask, "Do you need to go to the store too?"
She says no. I tell S14 lets go get his stuff.

After I said it, I was pissed at myself. How could I be so stupid. I took him and we talked a little. He told me he is going to live with his mom until his dad finds his own apartment. I hadn't heard this. I started to feel very sad. After he got his stuff, on the way back, I could feel myself starting to tear up. I was fighting it and fighting it.

Back at the apartment, he hugs me and I hold him. I tell him goodbye, I love him and I miss him. He says he loves me and misses me too. I'm pretty sure he could hear my voice starting to crack. He tells me that he'll see me on Wednesday and Thursday. He is going to stay with me on those days every week.

He leaves and that was it. I just started to break down. I couldn't hold it in anymore. Seeing us all there together, seeing her. Knowing that she doesn't want me. She wants him. It just came out. I think the whole way home. and I live far. Near the house, I texted a message to her.

"Good night". I almost told her I missed her.

I typed the good night out, but debated and debated. Then I erased it. How can I let her bring me to this? I'm stronger than this, damn it! I already F'ed up and did her a favor. Now I want to break down and text her something?

No. I will try to keep it up. Keep up what I'm doing.

Tomorrow, we might both take D6 to class. First grade. D11 wanted to ride the bus. I wonder if GBG will want to talk after we drop her off. She took the day off. I told my boss I'll be in late.

If she does, I guess I'll ask her, "Are there things that we NEED to talk about? What kind of things?"

Tonight, I was happy with my kids. Lots of hugging. I was kinda cool towards her. Not mean. Just not talky. Same as I have been. She did not see my sadness. But I'm pretty sure my son did, later. I hope he didn't say anything.

We'll see how tomorrow goes.

And I was doing so well. If only I didn't see her, I think.

I can't wait to bring the girls home tomorrow night.