Too late for DB, #10

[cw68]

It's nice to hang out with someone whom I respect and respects me. That's been missing for far too long.

Ain't that the truth!

I really wish sometimes our STBXHs would go back to being that way, but frankly I don't see that happening in my stitch either. There's only so much BS we can tolerate!

I don't think I can ever get back to the place where I respected him. He'd have to do a complete 180 and keep it up for a really loooong time to earn my respect back.

I do not miss him at all anymore. I miss what we had, our family, but not him. At this point I really wish I could just not ever see him again, but alas, with young kids our contact is daily.

[smith18]

cw -

You have it very well together. Worrying about how your STBXHJ 'S bad choices is going to affect your kids is natural. Hopefully, they will get a good lesson in life from observing the mistakes he makes.

I too have been dating someone that is really great and understands about what it takes to make a strong relationship. I dont know if we will proceed to anything other than friends and I am just taking it slow. Seeing someone like that sure makes it easier to let the wayward spouse go and not wish for them back.

[cw68]

Thanks Kerry. Sometimes I feel I have it together, but then sometimes I realize it's all hanging by a thread.

I do think that dating (when you're ready and not just looking for a crutch) a good person really helps the process and yourself. When I compare my BF with my STBXH it really puts things into perspective. I deserve to be treated with respect, to be with someone who's thoughtful, moral, ethical and who just makes me laugh and enjoys being with me. It seems so simple, doesn't it, but for so long I just wanted to get my H back and I didn't see who he had become. So now that the choices have been made, I can watch STBXH walk away with very little sadness on a personal level. Made even easier by all the DAM choices he continues to make.

And this new guy is really great. I simply enjoy being with him, he makes me laugh more than I have in many years and we have a really good time together. All good here and I'm not taking a single day for granted anymore.

[newnamenewlife]

Hi CW,
Have your kids met your BF? My D11 asks me constantly if I have a boyfriend, would I tell her if I had one, will I ever have one, etc, etc.

I have nothing close to a BF at the moment and can't picture ever going there again--and of course my D's intense questioning doesn't make it easier for me to even entertain the notion.

Glad to hear you so well! I hope to get to where you are soon. I have lots of good days/weeks, but I have also backslid and gotten really depressed and shared way too much anger, frustration and hurt with H, who remains emotionally zombified.

I am a DB flunkee. Sigh...

[cw68]

No, I'm not comfortable with it yet. I do want them to meet, but don't know when the right time will be, though I know it's not right now.

I see myself with this man. No predictions on the future here, but he's not just a fly-by-night date. He's going to be around for awhile, I can tell. There's too many things that just fit and it's not just a get-back-into-dating kind of relationship. I wasn't even looking at dating when we met. First we met, then we hung around for awhile, then we started dating. Somewhat against my will in ways even!

Everyday I seem to get hit with something from my STBX that just knocks me off my rocker. Like today I mentioned that him missing the soccer seeding tourney for a Vegas trip and missing both kids' first games of soccer for season for his Hawaii trip really didn't show me that he was putting the kids first like he always brags about. His response was that he leaves work at 5pm on the days he has them to pick them up, that's putting the kids first. I had to respond that, no, that's not putting the kids first, that's just a chore/responsibility of a parent. It used to be my job 100%, but now it's his too. I was really bothered by it because I know that he really, truly thinks he is putting the kids first and it's such a crock.

Any advice from anyone out there on how/when to introduce a BF to the kids? I know that I'm going to be extremely conservative on this front.

[MichelleLT]

Not having kids, I won't presume to offer advice.

Just sending you some ((((hugs))))

[Kalni]

Hi,
nice to see you are doing well. And you sound... in love. Grounded, as I like to say, but in love.

I cant offer advice on how to do it, I am not there yet. In my case, my kids are very clear they are not ready for something like that.
Does the fact your kids have not met him cause you any trouble? Have your kids digested the fact that you and their dad are not going to be back together again, ever? I am asking because mine, when they get serious, they always bring up their hope and wish that we will end up together again... (our kids have similar ages...).

Some things are meant to happen. I am happy for you.
K

[cw68]

The kids don't even know that I'm dating. My daughter is a little snoop in ways and while bringing me my cell phone said, "You sure talk to John Doe a lot." And yesterday morning she was on the phone with her dad and called out to me, "Hey Mom, John Doe is calling on the other line!" so she knows this person is a friend of mine. But that's it.

The kids have said that they wish we were still together, but somehow they just know that we won't ever be together again. I think my son may have asked once a few months after STBX moved out. That's it.

I'd really like them to meet. This weekend was my D7's soccer tourney and her Dad chose to go off to Vegas. BF was the one on the phone asking how they were doing, getting excited when my D7 scored a goal and said that he really wished he could be there. He likes kids, loved this same time in his kids' lives and isn't put off at all by the fact that I have young kids while his are in college. (Disclamer: we have only 7 years difference in age. Nothing weird going on here.)

But I know it's too early. When the time is right, I'll know yet what I don't know is HOW to have them meet.

[Sara]

My H and I have a 10 year age difference, and we're not weird either. I think you should think about when you want your kids to meet H's OW. When you are ready for them to meet her, then you are ready to introduce them to your OM too.

[GoingForward]

But I know it's too early. When the time is right, I'll know yet what I don't know is HOW to have them meet.

Any special kid days/events coming up? Make it a date involving the kids with activities your kids (and your date) will enjoy. Just an idea.

When the time IS right, you might want to discuss "boundaries" with BF before getting together for this day out with the kids. I'm not so sure you ought to immediately introduce him to your kids as your BF. You might be more than friends, but are your children emotionally ready to know this? Will they be able to understand what this new R means? Not sure if I'm making much sense, but what I mean by boundaries is setting limits to what's allowed and what's not in front of the kids during the date - such as no hand holding, no kissing, etc until you feel it's ok for your children to see this kind of interaction between the two of you.

Again, JMO. Take care, cw.