I don't claim any knowledge of what makes some people choose to abandon a marriage that they vowed would be forever. Sometimes I suppose it's just a case of someone who didn't really think marriage was a big deal, maybe just a glorified living together with benefits, and all along figured if things got too rough or something better came along, they could just walk away.
And then sometimes there is just something that builds up inside of a person, something that hurts and yet feels empty at the same time. I can't tell the ages of you and your husband, nor how long the two of you have been married, but on this thread many people believe their spouse may be experiencing a troubled mid life transition.
I personally think the label doesn't really matter. I think we grasp for labels because we think they come with guarantees, both good and bad, and we tend to like guarantees.
What I personally experienced, and what I've read on this board tells me there are NO guarantees, MLC, WAS, or whatever else you want to call it.
You've been advised to pull back from your husband and leave him alone, and from what I've read on your other threads I would have to say that this sounds like a pretty good approach for you. Mostly because you are still VERY tied to this situation.
You recall what someone wrote about the leaving spouse having about a year or longer head start on the left behind spouse? Almost every question that you ask regarding your husbands words and actions (why, why, why?) can be answered with the fact that he began this process long before you were ever aware of it.
Now you have to do some catch up work.
And it's tough to do that when you are micro-analyzing everything that happens between the two of you.
If your husband is dead set on a divorce, he will do what he has to do - there is nothing much you can do about it.
We learn through DB'ing that we cannot control another person. We can make changes only to ourselves, and hope that those changes in turn provoke changes in the other person.
Right now your husband sees you very clearly. You love him desperately, you hate the thought of being divorced, you are sometimes angry with him because of his decision, and you are a threat to take away the possessions that he cares about now. He CAN control you, because you are so incredibly tied to how he responds to you.
You have to break that tie.
And it's one of the most painful and difficult things you will ever do.
You will feel as though you are being asked to give up on your husband and your marriage - and yet this is far, far from true.
You will feel as though you are doing the opposite of what you really want to do. You want MORE time and contact with him, not less. And we will remind you that just about EVERY contact with him now brings you agonizing pain. So we will tell you that you MUST reduce those contacts.
In a sense, you must stop being a guarantee to your husband.
He has no doubt about how you feel. He has no doubt that he could walk back in at any minute and be taken back. Even worse, he believes that you are incapable of living without him.
That gives him power.
You need to take that power back by breaking this tie for now.
There is a scripture verse that says something like "bad company corrupts good character." In a sense that is what is happening to you now by allowing yourself to interact with him too much.
Take control of your life.
Consider YOU for awhile instead of him.
He will do what he does. You do not have to agree to anything concerning a divorce if you don't want to. But you can't stop him from doing what he will do. So stop trying to. The more you fight, the more determined he becomes.
He now sees you as something to be avoided. Make yourself something to be desired and looked forward to.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
