This could be it...

[Mojones]

This advice is truely sound. Probably some of the best I have recieved yet. I understand the bit about the ego talking but I don't know how to work on myself and let go completely of the notion that he could end up having an A again that I don't find out about putting my physical and mental health at risk.

I am a bit more rational today. This M has so many ups and downs. I asked him out right about the calls because he could tell something was wrong. He explained it and seemed to be sincere. I told him that since he has come home he has yet to say to me that he will not do that to me again and that I am safe. I told him that I can't gaurantee that I will never wonder but just hearing that attempt to provide some consolation would make me feel a little better. He said exactly these things to me without getting angry like he usually would. Today we had an amazing day together most unexpectedly. I question whether he is bi polar so I never know how each day is going to go but today was good.
I know I would be ok if he left but you hit it right on the nose...it is a huge blow to my esteem/ego but more importantly I don't enjoy being around anyone else in this world as much as him and he would be sorely missed. I have made up my mind that if he were to have another A I would be done. I WILL not try any more at that point.
I am going to focus more on myself in my counseling sessions because they have revolved around him. You were right. I need to fix some things about myself. I really hope that you continue to check in on me. I do feel better. I REALLY needed this. I appreciate everyones help when I get it.