Each new "cut" hurts as much as the last!

[Abbey]

Moving from Separated... (and trying I guess, if you can call it that)... to here.

I have questions... when you've got a spouse in a full blown mid life crisis,... friends and family saying he looks spaced out, he's lost weight, looks old - doesn't look well plus shaved his head, etc etc etc and yet then ... making a spectacle of himself with his new girlfriend AKA the gold digging parasite... by slathering all over each other in public etc. (He's 55, she's 27)- How do you detach and keep it so to keep DB'ing, when you see and hear about their relationship escalating (the latest she's sporting a new expensive necklace) , ... and also deal with the insane amounts of lies and deceit that my H has done/said since this whole nightmare started?

She's been hiding her car in the garage of my old house for months etc. (which I knew about). Almost since the day I moved out.

We've been "officially" living in different places since late April. About 3 weeks ago, (I some how doubt she knew he was with me for an evening. Coffee and a movie)- we met and he was the nicest he'd been to me in a long time. Offering to buy extra junk food so we could share etc. (I went dark the month before after he told me that he and the parasite were seeing each other but then proceeded to lie to me about them only going out for 2 weeks. I walked out of the resto and told him to get stuffed, I was tired of his deception).

A month had gone by and out of the blue he called and tried to slide in the back door to see me by asking my "opinion" on what movie he should see. He then asked me if I ate... which I had... and so I made some comment about him just wanting to talk to me so he could go for something to eat and then he could go to a movie alone? He laughed and no... I'm asking you to go to the movie too. So I broke down and went out with him. He wasn't afraid to touch me, he arm rested up against me repeatedly during the movie etc. My H is still "in there" somewhere, I saw bits of it... bits of the old him there.

Last week, he called earlier (because I had already eaten the last time he impromptu called me up)... I wasn't home and he just invited himself out to drop of the mail. (Said something like it was a nice night... so he was going out for a drive. Was he expecting me to be home and we'd do that song and dance and make an "excuse" to see each other? I dunno)... Why wasn't he with the parasite, why wasn't he just enjoying a quiet night by the pool? MY pool. When she's not around, he'll gravitate towards me. I saw this early on when he wasn't aware that I knew about his affair and she was gone for a week. He was attentive, flirty etc etc. When she got back, he slid back into his sneaky ways and fell back into that addiction to her. (Dr Harley's books akin affairs to addictions). The in and out of the cave has happened in bits and spirts - as I've mentioned in my other threads... but I'm just so torn as to what to do next? Going dark has had some minor success with him missing me... and I KNOW this is their honeymoon phase, plus she's got 4 kids and all the other things that are stacked against this relationship... and doing nothing is the best thing I can do ... patience and all that. But this is killing me. Each new "event" in their relationship is like a knife reopening this wound, over and over again. I feel like I take one step in the right direction then it turns out that I'm still losing ground with him, it seems.

I know that he's puppy dog around her, they slather all over each other in public... friends of mine are appalled and sickened by their behaviour. (I've had so many comments from friends and acquaintances like: you don't know how many friends you really have - people are absolutely disgusted at his and her behaviour. You've got more friends than you know, nobody condones this relationship - including members of HIS own family ). I know his brain is all screwed up... he looks like crap... (this relationship is healthy for him????) But he's not an introspective kinda guy. He's following what feels good. Do I pursue him? Stay dark? This has been my dilemma from the beginning because he believes the relationship breakdown as being ALL my fault. The way I treated him etc. If I treated him reallllllly well... flirted etc... would it help... or just put me into a 3 day bed state where I pull the covers over my bloody head because it failed? I'm just so torn.

Because I left the neighbourhood, and since almost everyone else I know still lives out there... all my community of friends and family are there...it's really lonely and isolating. I"m GAL etc... and I'm just starting to reconnect with some friends there... but it's hard... because things "slip"... more tidbits about his deception etc. I know in his state that he basically wanted to just get me "out of there" so he could have his life with this new parasite. One of the other latest pieces of ridiculousness is he's even tried to invite one of our closest "couple" friends to a BBQ at MY house, with the new parasite. The couple didn't go. They're sickened by this all too. The male of our friends tried to talk to him earlier on, tried to talk some sense into him, my H lied up and down about not having an affair etc. My H has NO idea how much he's hurt me, he's in that narcissistic teenager/alien abducted stage and it's killing me. As much as I try to crawl out my funk... it's just like every time I gain a step up the ladder... it feels like I'm slammed down two rungs with his latest actions.

How do you keep the door opened enough to keep communication there,... be his friend without it killing you little by little on the inside? I was doing SO well... now I just feel the cuts open the wound again and again and when they do... it's like I’m right back at square one.

Abbey