Be who you are, try to handle her with loving compassion to the best of your ability. Return love and kindness for her anger and hatefulness. Then you will be able to lay your head on your pillow in peace each night.
I am doing so...and...have done so...and..will continue to do so.
Thanks for lifting me. Frank
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
This morning I got up to go out and cut the lawn. My son came out and I asked him if he wanted to have a catch. He went into my W's car, got his glove and we had a catch.
Before leaving for the day, my W approaches me in the garage and starts in:
W: My car is my privacy. I'd appreciate if you stay out of it. Me: What are you talking about? We have court orders. I never go into any of your stuff. W: You got S7's glove out of my car. Me: What? S7 got it...
For the first time, S7 overhead all this and he came to my defense...raised his voice at my W, "mom..I GOT IT..I GOT IT"
My W then turned on my son: "don't you ever go in mommy's car without asking her."
Yes glamgirl, I am driving this.
HORRIBLE...she hurts our children continually with these outbursts.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
I can't tell you how horrible it is to live under the same roof. It may 'pay' in the early parts of DB'ing...but it is hell. It keeps you from detaching fully. It slows you from moving forward. You must 'watch' as they play out their lives. It is more difficult to extricate yourself from THEIR anger.
Havin' a bad day. Workin' on changin' that. Thanks fig.
FIB
Me 55; XW 47; 2 kids (S13, D11) Bomb 05/19/06 Original thread http://tinyurl.com/yg2ou2t Last anniversary 04/25/10, Divorced 5/12/10 Status: Loving father of 2 beautiful children;
Yup, watching from the sidelines can be painful but what other choice do you have? I can tell you that once you are living apart (although thinking of that is painful as well) it does become much easier. That's when we really are able to focus on ourselves and what we want for our new lives. Where you find yourself now is the hardest part of this whole journey.
Once you get used to being on your own it is an adjustment. Until you realize that you are now breathing easier and enjoying the little things again, then everything changes. There is a feeling of excitement realizing that you can make your life whatever you want it to be. There is no more living to keep the peace, or to make an unhappy person happy, because in doing so we do lose a part of ourselves, and believe me there is something to be said for not being held hostage emotionally.
So for now keep busy if that works for you, but also take as much time as you can with your kids. They need all of the security that Dad can give them.
Sorry FIB that you are having a bad day. You are right your w is horrible acting out in front of the children.
I do believe she has these outbursts because of all her pain and inner turmoil that she is going through. Not acceptable, but it is and shows who she is right now!
Anger can make you do and say horrible things. When you have a lot of pent up anger it comes out in an ugly form. It's as if you have lost control.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
I really have to chime in to agree with BethM. My formerly sweet and gentle H turned into a total stranger while he was pulling away to be with OW. Once he left it was a real relief. (My physician had been concerned about my mild hypertension over the past year. Diet, weight, and lack of exercise were not issues. H and I are living separately and my BP is normal without any medication.)
It is so much easier when you do not have to see them every day. Having not read your entire situation I'm not aware of the issues which keep you under the same roof, but, it is the most difficult place to be.
Me: 59 H: 59 Together: 28 years Married: 25 years in August "There may be someone else" 12/26/07 H signed a one year lease 4/1/08 H moved out 5/11/08 H beginning to show a tiny amount of interest 7/5/08 Is it possible that he is courting me? 9/30/08
Sorry FIB that you are having a bad day. You are right your w is horrible acting out in front of the children.
I do believe she has these outbursts because of all her pain and inner turmoil that she is going through. Not acceptable, but it is and shows who she is right now!
Anger can make you do and say horrible things. When you have a lot of pent up anger it comes out in an ugly form. It's as if you have lost control.
Yes glamgirl,
You're right. FIB's wife does have lots of pain and inner turmoil but that's her pain. He didn't cause it and he can't fix it only she can. So what are his alternatives? He could stick it out and just live with all of the emotional and verbal abuse, because I gotta tell you, that won't change anytime soon. Meanwhile, he's not just putting his life on hold and himself through hell, but also teaching his kids that it's ok to let someone treat you like this, until they're walking on eggshells along with him. Kids mirror what they know and I don't know, about you, but it would break my heart to see any of my children allow themselves to be treated so poorly.
The baggage that FIB's wife is carrying was there way before FIB ever came into the picture. It would have come out eventually no matter who she was with. For a time he was probably a distraction from it. Then came the new home and the kids, but those things only distract one for so long. They never really fill us up.
So although it's very sad for her, it's never going to change until someone changes the dance. Who knows, maybe then she will be forced to take a good hard look at her pain.
You are right Bethie. I can totally relate to FIB's w. I now see clearly why God put me on this journey. I treated my h horribly. Heck when all this first went down, I had a restraining order against me. That should give you a clue as to how much anger I was carrying around.
In the beginning of course to me everything was my h's fault. Now as I have begun to look inward I am trying to fix myself. I am reading a great book right now, something about how to love and it identifies your past with how you relate in R. It is so interesting that how I was raised has a huge impact on my R with h. It's those triggers in a R that keep coming up. I am hoping this book gives me a better understanding of how to relate to my h.
You are right Bethie those hurts will need to be healed before FIB's w can be whole. Regardless of how this all ends up, I am a better person spiritually, mentally, physically and that is exactly what FIB will walk away with.
Yes change the dance Bethie. That can be done and it starts with one. Go see that movie "Fireproof". It's an awesome movie about love and God!
There are alternatives like mc, ic, church, etc, but it takes a willing participant. I praise God right now that my h is willing.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
