Thanks for posting JCJ! Its a tough journey hey? But my goodness 2 months ago I would never have dreamed that H and I would actually want to spend time together, and that H's 'fog' would have cleared enough that he would remember I even existed!!
I used to scream at H 'what do you mean you dont know?'. Sometimes it was things like 'do you want a cup of tea? - I dont know'!!
If I was to do it again, I wouldn't ask questions that I knew he would be unable to answer.... For a long time when H said he didn't know how he felt about me and our R, I thought that he did really know and that he just couldn't be bothered to make a decision to commit. It took me a few months after he left to realise that when he said "I don't know", it actually meant "I don't know"! With hindsight if I was to do it again, I would validate his feelings - "Gee that must be tough to be making a hard decision and not to be sure of what you want" - that type of thing.
Now if he said that he didn't know, I'm detached enough it wouldn't faze me. If he doesn't know what he wants, it really doesn't effect me - its his problem!
It's so annoying sometimes that you're in the future- I'd love to be able to just chat. Maybe find me or Kalni on FB?...
Hurray for the trip to watch H wake boarding! I guess it must have been a great opportunity to compliment him on his manly sporting skills?! Boys ARE so funny!! He obviously responds when yu contact him in a non-pressure way. Maybe it's be a good idea to continue with that at somewhat irregular intervals; keep him on his toes!
Originally Posted By: Essie
So I've invited H for dinner tomorrow night, and a bit of possum hunting!!
ROTF LMAO!! This could mean so many things I love that you're possum hunting. I don't know what one looks like so I'm going to Google it now!
Originally Posted By: Essie
Have been thinking about the sex thing. Maybe it would be a 180 just to follow H's lead, instead of having sex on my terms. Letting him be in control more?? Please let me know what you think?!?
I think that yes, if you always maintained control before, letting him take the lead and be in charge would be a good 180. At some level, he wants to feel manly and important- sex would be a good way of letting him do that, and also surprising him. Having said that, I'm not an expert in these issues- worth posting the question in the SSM forum maybe?
Originally Posted By: Essie
I made sure I didnt touch him at all today when wake boarding - I guess I'm thinking that he needs to really make the moves physically, and then maybe it would bo OK just to let go and go with the flow?
I'm not so sure about this.... I think H might be responsive if you reach out and touch his arm, or take his hand (or playfully slap his bottom?!). IMHO (and I'm by no means an expert) men like to feel that they're desirable, and it can be a burden on them to make ALL the moves. A little encouragement might make him feel relaxed enough to take things further? I don't mean jumping on his minus pants, just subtle gestures of affection every now and again (?)
Man, Ess- you've given me such a lot of hope and happiness this weekend. I even dreamt about you and your H last night and woke up smiling. You're a MASTER DBer- absolutely awesome, and your H finally recognises your super-amazingness!!
Essie! Thank you, that has helped so much. I always got so wound up and frustrated by that answer, I couldn't see/ understand that he actually might not know. I just thought he was being obstructive. I shall now use that validation technique next time it comes up (if I see him and it does!!).
Update - hopefully will bring a smile to your face
H came to try and find the possum living in my ceiling last night. I cooked a nice dinner, but made sure it wasnt romantic as I dont want to be pursuing. The dinner was nice, but no physical contact, no 'spark'. I may have put H off by casually mentioing that the bottle of wine we were drinking was given to me by another man, and that it was sweet because the wine's name is my name.... But H was very unshaven (if he wants kissing action he will get a much better response by shaving!) so maybe his distance had nothing to do with the wine.
Anyway H climbed up on roof and almost slipped off - I think both our hearts stopped beating. H had to have cigarette to calm down- first time he smoked in front of me. Pre-bomb he suddenly started smoking (rebellious teen?) but in 'secret' - of course I could smell it though!
I made 2 very casual comments about how he could stay if he wanted to. But they were pretty subtle. If H had wanted to he could have picked up on it. So I made sure I didnt pursue any futher. He sent me a text after he left thanking me for dinner and a 'mwha' on the end of the text. About 1/2 an hour after H left I heard the possum again - so H's attempt didnt work and he will have to come back again!
So this morning we had the following text conversation:
E: Thanks for trying to catch the possum! I had a good time with you. If I was more witty I would think of something cheeky to say about my possum and your drill ha ha!
H: Yeah drilling the possum would be satisfying for everyone and we would all sleep better
E: Ha ha! Your funny. I like it!
H: What..... a drilling?
E: ha ha I like your sense of humour. My possum is scared and hiding from your drill but could possibly be bribed out with presents, treats and gentle handling. Emphasis on possibly! It is a pretty impressive drill u have!
H: Ha Ha it could be better, more use might help he he
That's so funny, flirtatious and naughty- I love that H picked up on it and continued the joke back to you.
Great news that he has to come back, although a bit disappointing that he didn't pick up on your subtle comments. Do you think that might reflect men not being so able to pick up subtlety as us, the possum people?!
Interesting about the smoking and teenage stuff. Keep complimenting (when appropriate)!!
I love that you're possum hunting. I don't know what one looks like so I'm going to Google it now!
