Aussie Girl - Trying to be patient

[Essie]

Hi OD! You are online! Such a novelty for me.

This is when H confuses me. Sometimes I think he backs off because he needs more space, sometimes I think he is insecure and needs to be reassured that I dont think he is a bad person and I hate him.

I did send H a text today, and got no response at all. I think I said "Thank you for a wonderful time last night. Dad was very jealous. Hope you had a good day?"

What should I do now?

Earlier this week we talked on the phone and he sounded stressed about work. I sent him a text thanking him for something and then said "you sound a bit stressed, so I'm sending you a virtual massage". He replied "thanks your so sweet mwha". To which I replied "And you never know where a virtual massage might lead..... wink". And I thought I scared him off, because of no response. But he mentioned it on the date, and said something about how he would just rather come around to my place instead of it being virtual.... I get confused by his signals.

I want to wait. Partly because I know I still love him, but I'm not 100% sure I want to be married to him. BUT why doesnt he at least take me up on my little openings?

Maybe I should wait all day tomorrow to see if he makes contact, and then call him tomorrow night if he doesnt reach out by then?

[AliSuddenly]

Hey Essie,

Wow, that is incredible!!!!! I have to admit, I did feel a long while back, when he was popping in to do DIY and leaving before you saw him, that your sitch was dead in the water. How wrong could I have been !

You say you're not 100% sure your want to be M to him again...but as they say about how long it took a WAS to get to that point, it would take as long to rebuild things.. same goes for you, it may take you a long while, as long as you were a LBS to work out if things are now ok and this is how you want things to remain (as opposed to asking for a D). So give yourself lots of months to find out the answer ro that quetion?

I think you should wait...you texted him a thankyou and alos a quesion, so to text again, frustrating as it is to wait, mught be a bit purseueing?? People dont not ger text messages generally, so he is not replying, perhaps becuase he is still digesting?

He may have been a bit confused that you wouldnt sleep with him ? From what you have said he has been pretty persistently hinting about that and you rebuffed it. Sounds like the date went super well though, so I cant imagine that he will snap shut again, maybe just keep on waiting.

You must be thrilled and SOOOOO vindicated that he said sorry AND that he said he hadnt meant what he said. God, I think a huge weight would lift off of me if my ex said that to me, that he hadnt meant IDLYA, he just wanted desperately to get away. AND he said he loved you !!!!! Amazing.

You are the DB queen! And yes, you have given me a little bit of inspiration today, just when I needed it.

Can I ask you...when did this start for you? When did you first notice things were wrong and when did he first express doubts about your R? It says you were S from last Septmeber, so less than a year just and he wants to try again, thats pretty good going. I'm soooooo happy for you !!! Its fantastic news.

Ali xxx

[One Day]

Hey Essie Future Girl/Babe

I hope you're still on, but guess it might be near bedtime for you!!

Sometimes I think he backs off because he needs more space, sometimes I think he is insecure and needs to be reassured that I dont think he is a bad person and I hate him.

I think it's probably a bit of both that he needs. He must definitely be feeling guilty about his behaviour when he left (hence his comments expressing his regrets), so I think he does need reassurance. However, I don't think you should tell him he's not a bad person, just consistently thank him for good behaviours (DB Coach recommended this to me). I liked your text about last night (but maybe would not have mentioned my Dad ).

What should I do now?

I think it's about being patient, showing you're supportive but not expecting him to be very responsive immediately. IMHO he made a big step forwards yesterday so probably will be needing some cave time. You've texted so now give him a smidgen of space to move into. He wants to date you? Let him lead but be sure to encourage his positive moves.

Earlier this week we talked on the phone and he sounded stressed about work. I sent him a text thanking him for something and then said "you sound a bit stressed, so I'm sending you a virtual massage". He replied "thanks your so sweet mwha". To which I replied "And you never know where a virtual massage might lead..... wink".

I love this exchange- very flirtatious and he responded initially. Great news!!

And I thought I scared him off, because of no response. But he mentioned it on the date, and said something about how he would just rather come around to my place instead of it being virtual.... I get confused by his signals.

I read on another thread that the DB Coach said that just because they don't respond, doesn't mean they don't notice. I think keep doing what you're doing- friendly, playful, flirtatious. it's working even if the results aren't immediate. I know that's a harder situation to deal with because immediate feedback is really great, but he did respond. it just took him some time and he wanted to take it further Am I making sense?

Maybe I should wait all day tomorrow to see if he makes contact, and then call him tomorrow night if he doesnt reach out by then?

I'm not sure what the pattern of interaction has been recently- has H mainly been initiating, or have you? If it's you I think backing off is a good strategy (with no expectations!). If he doesn't respond by then how about sending a naughty text about how you really enjoyed feeling his sexy lips on yours yesterday night- compliment him in some way and show him you enjoyed it in a way he seems to want more of- a dirty way!! (?)

I'm SO EXCITED for your Ess! And think I understand at the same time how hard this must be. Have you checked out the threads in piecing? There's also an advice thread in there with tips in it which might be really helpful. Once you're rebuilding an R I think there's a whole new set of challenges to face.....

YAY!!!!

[transformer]

OH MY GAWDDDDDDDD!!!! Congratulations, Essie,this is AMAZING!!!!!!

wow, that is really interesting that he took you to see Andrea Bocelli. It sounds like *that* is a huge signal... maybe he really was scheming for a fireworks-pyrotechnic-lovemaking reunion (at his place) (which was now clean)?

Did you not want H to see how emotional you were? I can understand keeping him a bit arms length at this point, but it seems like at some point in the future you might want to let him *really* really * see you...

that is sooooo interesting that he was so lonely all these months!! And I'm proud of your 180s too!

I DON"T KNOW WHAT PASH MEANS< PLEASE EXPLAIN!!! Is that like... "making out" or something... more... specific???

He told me he had even tidied his flat hoping that I might come home with him!

this is SO ADORABLE

OK, I got the feeling when I was reading your dialogue recreation, that maybe he kept apologizing because he felt like you didn't actually accept his apology? It seemed like he was trying to make a Very Strong Statement about Something Very Important... kind of a hollywood moment... and you (I could be reading this wrong) were treating it kind of casually. ???? You made me laugh when you said in the absence of inspiration you just kept your mouth shut I LOVE how you said 'we are the same people, but stronger and different' !!!!!

So... wow... maybe other WA's are sitting at home alone thinking, I didn't mean it when I said IDLYA, and thinking about their situation every day?????!!!!!!!

The whole conversation was a total 180 for me. I used to talk / analyse our R all the time. Must have been so tedious for H. Anyway he really led the conversation. There were clearly things he had pre-thought about that he wanted to tell me. For me not to jump in and take over the conversation was really different. I liked the new me!

Wait... are you my twin???? I used to be the queen of overwhelming analysis too!! I love your new approach and OBVIOUSLY IT IS WORKING!

Anyway I think we agreed that we would like to date each other. I made sure I played it very cool, nothing about a R, just about wanting to spend more time with each other. Followed by another long makeout session, and several suggestions from H that we could go back to his place for a bit of loving. I told him that I missed having sex with him. But left it at that. Not sure when I will be 'ready'... but I want him to invest more in our R before we start having sex again.

Wow!!! This is so great!!! I also really like how you want him to invest more before you start jogging horizontally again... I've pondered this myself and I like your solution

I was also aware in the conversation that H is still quite selfish... like he is the one that has made new changes and re-invented himself, and that I need to get to know him. And that he only wants to come back if it suits him. He's still not really thinking about me, and that there is a possibility that I might not like the new H (or the old H for that matter!). Sort of assuming that I'm just going to fall into his arms. I guess before I commit to him I need to see that he isn't only going to think about himself, but thats a long way down the track... Remember I just want to have fun, and no pressure!! ha ha!! (I need to keep reminding myself!). And boy he doesn't realise that I've learned the rules of the game, and I'm going to make him work hard now!! He doesn't know that he's playing with a DB-er!

Wow, I didn't get the selfish vibe from your telling of the story... it seems like you are the one who's changed. But maybe he feels the same way as you? Maybe it is more symmetrical than you realize??

It's funny, I kind of assume that any of us would fall into our WA's arms given the carefully designed date you just experienced... but from everything I've read on the boards, taking it slow is the way to go--otherwise the WA usually gets freaked out and backs away. So a plus on the pacing!!!

Can't wait to hear what happens next!!!! it sounds like you've already gotten tons of good advice on your next move.

((((ESSIE))))
thank you for being such an inspiration!
LOVE,
T

[Essie]

Thank girls. ((T)), ((Ali)), ((Lisa))
Frustratingly the site crashed on me and wouldn't let me post last night. I really want to thank you all for support and friendship. My real life friends and family are going to be less than impressed that I'm even considering reconciling with H - so its nice to be able to share it with you. It feels like a victory after a lot of hard work.

[Essie]

Update is:
I sent H a text message this morning saying "Its a bueatiful day - are you going wake boarding?". To which he replied "Im on my way now". So then I wasnt sure if it would be OK to invite myself along or not. But i waited about 10 minutes, and then he text me "Do you want to come?". So I went with H - nice. He definitely wanted to impress me (boys are so silly!).
I have a possum in my ceiling. I think the possum got in while H and co has been doing the bathroom rennovation. Anyway the possum is really really noisy at night. So I told H about it, and he offered that he would come and see me one night and we could wait for the possum to go out to feed at night, and then plug the hole up. It might work or it might not. So I've invited H for dinner tomorrow night, and a bit of possum hunting!!
Have been thinking about the sex thing. Maybe it would be a 180 just to follow H's lead, instead of having sex on my terms. Letting him be in control more?? Please let me know what you think?!?
I made sure I didnt touch him at all today when wake boarding - I guess I'm thinking that he needs to really make the moves physically, and then maybe it would bo OK just to let go and go with the flow?

[Essie]

Can I ask you...when did this start for you? When did you first notice things were wrong and when did he first express doubts about your R?

Thanks Ali for your advice. You are right I need to allow things to happen naturally and it might take a couple of months for me to be in a position to decide what needs to happen next.

December 2000 - We get married. We had dated for 3 years, and been close friends since I was 14. Happily in love, world is rosy.
September 04 - We are travelling around the world together. We end up living in Canada for a year at a ski resort, where the lifestyle is to party hard. I am homesick. Girls are fawning over H. I am secure that H loves me..... although I sense that something is not right and that he might be attracted to another girl. We discuss, H convinces me that I'm crazy. H supposedly has a one night stand with this girl. R from this point is OK - not brilliant but not awful. We go through really stressful times of moving countries, H starting his own business, my career changing, trying to make new friends.
October/November 06 - H drops bomb that he cheated on me (I think hoping that I'm going to leave him as he obviously wants out of R). H is really angry and probably depressed. Year of hell as I try to sort my own feelings of betrayal while desperately clinging and trying to hold the marriage together. We go to a few counselling sessions. H says all the 'right' things, but acts the opposite way. I find flirtatious emails to another girl. I do all the classic things that actually push H further away - lots of trying to 'fix' him. H see-saws back and forth. H answers every question (literally every question, not just R questions) with "I dont know".
September 07 - I put pressure on H to make a decision.... H leaves.
October-November 07 - I find DB-ing and the rest you know because you have walked this journey with me!

[Essie]

However, I don't think you should tell him he's not a bad person, just consistently thank him for good behaviours (DB Coach recommended this to me).

This is perfect. Thank you so much. I needed to hear this. I should have thanked H for opening up and sharing his feelings with me - as a way of thanking him for his good behaviours. I'm going to do this - and it will be a 180 for me.

how about sending a naughty text about how you really enjoyed feeling his sexy lips on yours yesterday night- compliment him in some way and show him you enjoyed it in a way he seems to want more of- a dirty way!!

YES! This is exactly spot on too. I will try it! Thanks love! Must compliment him on the things he does right.
I will check out piecing too. Not that I think I'm there yet, but its better to be prepared. ((Lisa)) You're the best!

[Essie]

Thanks so much T! For some reason I feel a really close connection to you - maybe because I'd reconginse an overwhelming R analyzer like myself anywhere!!

I DON"T KNOW WHAT PASH MEANS< PLEASE EXPLAIN!!! Is that like... "making out" or something... more... specific???

Pash does mean making out. Maybe you could try in on BF? 'Do you want to pash now or later?' Ha ha!!

OK, I got the feeling when I was reading your dialogue recreation, that maybe he kept apologizing because he felt like you didn't actually accept his apology? ... and you (I could be reading this wrong) were treating it kind of casually.

Yes possibly - thank you for pointing it out. I think given OD's advice above if the situation arises in the future I should thank him for being honest and for being wonderful enough to apologize. I'm going to look for an opportunity.

Thanks so much for being excited for me T!

[JCJ]

Essie

I haven't posted to you before but I have been following. One thing that I just noticed was that you put in your timeline that you h answered 'don't know' to everything. My h has done that too since he left. Did you discover anything about it? Did you do anything to get past it or was it just DBing that naturally got you past it?

Congratulations on the progress you have made, I think it is wonderful and you have renewed my hope!
J