So the letter is off again. I think I can find closure by dropping her from my life.
If you are going to take the prize for vacillating, you're gonna have to fight me for it first!
I said this before - the letter was for you. If you don't think it will help you as you get through all this, forget it. With the way she has treated you, I think you have been more than understanding and generous. That generosity is allowed to have limits, though, and if you have reached them -- feel free to act accordingly.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Thanks g - I guess I was just in a temporary low. Coming back out of it now. Amazing how she can still make me feel worthless without even saying anything. Or maybe it's precisely because she DOESN'T say anything.
I, meanwhile, get thrown back in that confusion state whenever we have close communication, then start analyzing everything all over again.
I've been friendly long enough. I'm okay with severing now. The next step, I guess. As weird as it sounds, I'm not even that bothered right now thinking about her leaving for 3 weeks with OM - they leave on Monday. That'll probably change, but right now it's okay. He can deal with her for awhile, because she can definitely be a handful to deal with. Wants to be in charge of everything and then, usually at the most inopportune moments, completely loses it and melts down. The thought of never having to deal with THOSE situations again feels pretty good because they were always bad.
Wasn't going to, but decided to take kerry's advice and am taking condoms to burning man. I mean, might as well be prepared, right? It's time to stop thinking that no other woman will find me attractive just because W doesn't think I'm worth being around.
Sounds like the dust is going to be really bad this year - I guess I'd better learn how to tie a shemagh.
Go to Home Depot or Lowes and get one of those good dust masks. Might be good also to get some swim goggles to help keep the dust out of your eyes - they might even enhance your costume! Google "burning man dust storm" to see why.
If you dont use the condoms for fun, they can be used for other things.
I'm going to get a dust mask, but I've got a kaffiyeh (just learned that's the non-religious name; religious name is shemagh) which works great - wore it when I was doing some archaeological work in the desert near the dead sea. Think Lawrence of Arabia. If I can't find goggles that fit over my glasses I'll get a ski mask - after all, I'm not too worried about fashion!
why don't you drive down and join in the fun, kerry?
I think fitting in is precisely the one thing you DON'T need to worry about at BM! I've never been to the BRD, but I'm used to being outside in dust and sand storms from my guiding days so I reckon I'll survive.
Ok I am just picturing you wearing your burning man get up and just had to smile. You are certainly one of a kind! I posted an update on Karen over on infidelity. She is riding out Fay and already had a tree hit her car. Just wanted to let you know.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I've been reading that book you suggested. Pop. 485. Surprisingly, I have been to some of those towns as it is only the next state over and my mom is from Wisc.
First chapter really hit home. Reminded me of some calls I would like to forget.
Jak466
State Trooper: Do you feel this vehicle is safe for highway travel?
Del Griffith: Yes sir. Yes. Yes I do. I mean she may not look like much but she'll get you where you wanna go.
Made it back from Burning Man alive and none the worse for wear! Had a great time, though it was pretty difficult to be around all those nubile young women wearing ... well, nothing. Except paint.
Made new friends, had good conversations, but it was strange to be alone in the crowd. I'm still learning to walk again, I guess, and I'm a little disappointed in my ability to put myself out there. Right now I just can't. There was a lot I could've taken advantage of, but I had to take it at a pace I felt comfortable with. It was strange, though, to see all the the young couples - such innocence!
As far as DBing goes, I guess I've pretty much given it up at this point. Based on the reactions of my W whenever we get together, I think that if I tried really hard to charm her, I could win her back. But I realized that I don't want to.
She wasn't willing to make it work. In fact, she sabotaged our M with everything she had; she burned bridges despite her unwillingness to recognize that she was doing so. She rejected any kind of future with me, so why should I continue to let her be part of my life? It's hard to pick yourself up and find/build new relationships as a single person. Many of our married friends have rejected me in subtle but obvious ways. I have to force myself to go back out and start from scratch. But that is still better than putting my trust in someone who has shown how little she deserves it.
In a NYT book review of "Epilogue" by Anne Roiphe, the subject of loneliness was much discussed. Those left alone feel left out, extra, not fully present, and unable to go anywhere. When they do go out, they check their watch and long to get back to the safety of their home. The point is, it's hard trying to reestablish rhythm in one's life after a major disruption. Time helps, but will never erase.
That's my work. The acceptance of my past and the movement towards my future. I need to build a future that moves beyond self-defeating behaviors. I need to build a future that includes people who support rather than reject me.
I'm a person who is open to newness and embraces the unforeseen, but balances that with creating stability and a comfortable home. Why on earth do I think I'll never love again? That's silly. There's a lot to experience in this world and while it's great to share those experiences with someone, it isn't necessary.
One last thought. On my drive back, my friend mentioned that anyone I date in the future will probably have kids. I hadn't thought of that before. It certainly doesn't bother me and I've always been good with kids, but how strange to face the possibility of an instant family in my next relationship.
