It happened again.....

[san]

puppy,


Funny you should say that...I just reread the post on love is a decision....

And I believe I am takeing my share of the responsibilities for our marriage issues.... but He is giving me his share too....

I am and will stay committed to trying...but what about him not being willing.....

Saffie... I really did like the counselor... she is easy to talk to...she just keeps saying he cant put me on an emotional roller coaster forever...i do agree.... not sure if she is for me hanging around for him or not....

[Livin4ME]

(((((San))))) Let me guess...he got weak!? That's the excuse I got each time H left. I stopped counting at 8. Each time I got the same story. He really does love the OW. Not me. He got weak during one of their many fights. Came back to me until they reconciled.
But it doesn't mean it's over until YOU say it's over. Until you reach that point, continue DBing.

[san]

well...let me tell you how my evening ended...

Hubby was supposed to pick up kids at 1130.... he didnt show up until 350..grabbed the kids ..said hey and left...didnt tell me when they were to be home..i knew they were going to fair..my sister was going to get them in free.

I wanted to appear like I had stuff to do ..so I did..ran a couple errands..needed hairspray and TP... got gas etc...

I did not know what time they would be home and did not want to be there when he did... waiting....

So my sister asked me to go to the fair... I said let me know when he leaves...

She called and said he doesnt want to stay ..come down I will get you in..ok sounds good

I am getting ready to look for parking and hubby calls and says..on my way...uhhhh.turn around I am right behind you...

He says ..take the kids...uhhhh..no..its like 700...he has had them 3 hours...I am going in with my sister to the beer garden.

Oh lord that pissed him off..he said I planned it, I was being vindictive and now the war is on ...we will part as enenmies...

All because he had plans...he siad..I dont feel well...I told him to go ahead and sleep on "our" couch... then I find out after spending the evening with our friends that he was going down there.

Also they let me know they think he is crazy to be with OW...
and last weekend when we were still together...he called her....

I did let him know that I knew and he was a complete liar..and she could have him..I am worth more and not playing his games!

This sucks I love him and now I have really lost him.
OK give me more advice..I will listen this time... what next


Sandy

[Puppy Dog Tails]

San,

Try not to play his game. "Picking fights" is classic wayward script, so that he can create some "moral equivalency" with you and justify his affair ("See? THIS is why I can't be married to you, this right here . . . " -- THAT sort of thing).

Don't engage.

So when he says something childish like "The war is on!" just be calm, shake your head or something, and say "Oh please, you're so dramatic. This is your scheduled time with them. Just drop them off at 10, like we planned (or whatever), and try to have a good time. Look, I gotta go."

And then end it.

If he accuses you of being vindictive, focus on whatever FACT is at hand "Umm, no, I'm trying to go meet my sister, because she's expecting me. What time are you going to drop off the kids to me?" ... or whatever.

Puppy

[MnSPD]

Sandy,

You are getting good advice here. Your H is simply justifying his actions. Think of it this way, if he really believed in what he was doing would he have to justify it to you? Or anyone else for that matter. When you were dating him did he go around justifying why he was dating you? I don't think so. The reason he is doing it is because he is still convincing himself. He knows how wrong it is, he sees how it is hurting his family, he knows the lack of chacater it is displaying. If you step back and use the addiction analogy you can see similarities.

An alcoholic will justify that next drink in any way they can. It's just one, I'm not addicted, I can stop when ever I want, If it was more pleasant at home, I wouldn't need to drink, and on and on. Same concept with your H. His words are simply HIS justification to make what is going on in his head easier for HIM to accept. They have very little to do with you, the kids or anyone else. If you can use this analogy to lessen the sting on his words it really helps. You know the truth of your R with him. You portray your truths and let him justify his. I bet I know who will come out the winner in the end!!

PDT's suggestions if keeping things factual is excellent. It is very hard to discount fact. To take things further, set up a schedule between you and H with the kids. Something that is written and agreed to. As much as it hurts to have OW around your children, their father will always be a part of their lives and every child should have both parents involved intheir lives. There are exceptions where warranted, but I have heard nothing from you that would suggest any of those exceptions are present.
I believe a schedule will allow you some relaxation time and give him a sense for what life will be like as a D'd parent. It isn't easy.

Bottom line, try not to let his inabilities become your liabilities. Stay firm and confident. Be positive and supportive. Let your character shine through and you will never have to hang your head.

P, P, P

Steve

[san]

Thanks Puppy and Steve,

I am trying to be patient ...last night was one of the first times I have actually made plans and done something and I dont think he like it.

I am afraid things are too far gone for him to even get anything back...he is telling everyone he has been miserable for the last seven years of our marriage..that hurts.

And he has let himself fall in love ....

I am going to the attorney tomorrow...to see where I stand and what to do.... maybe set up a temporary parenting plan ...

As much as I dont want her around my kids.... I am going to have to give in...maybe he needs to watch the kids at her house...
Its not fair to me for him to be here..while I am at work if this is my home...dont you agree?

I am not back to work yet..going to ask for two more weeks to figure this out and then I will suck it up....

Wed. trip to Chicago is all up in the air..he wants me to back out...I dont want to..I feel if he wants to go ..he can come with us. What do you think? Should I back out gracefully even though I want to see the family? This could be my last opportunity in along time.

And I guess I dont see how even in time he can come back even if he wants after letting everyone know how miserable I have made him the last 7 years. Do you think its still possible.

No problem with no contact..I am so mad i have no desire right now..so that is an easy one.

I feel like I have turned the corner..I still am upset but I am not the blubbering idiot that I think he enjoyed..

Sandy

[lost_in_space]

Sandy

I too have heard the unhappy for the last seven years stuff. For now, take it as just that - stuff.

I have been told and reminded on numerous occassions - believe none of what they say and half of what they do. ACTIONS will speak louder than words.

When I am told the 7 year thing, I have asked "and what have WE done about it". The answer was nothing, she thought she could do it all herself. . Have you been happy in the last 7 years? Sure there are rough patches, but have things really been that terrible to justify anything that has happened? No - never a justification for the OM / OW to enter the scene.

For you, know what needs work at the point when / if (hate that last part but a reality we all face) things turn around. For now, focus on you and k's. And don't give up on what YOU want in your life.

For me, unless there is abuse, splitting a family is not an option unless EVERYTHING is tried first to keep the family together. My K's are older, but they know that. They know their dad is fighting to honor a commitment to our family. And seeing their reaction provides all the incentive I need (most of the time). They only get one chance to be a K and they shouldn't have to put up with this cr@p.

Keep fighting the good fight if that is what you want to do. That is a decision only you can make.

(((Hugs))))

[lost_in_space]

Sandy

I too have heard the unhappy for the last seven years stuff. For now, take it as just that - stuff.

I have been told and reminded on numerous occassions - believe none of what they say and half of what they do. ACTIONS will speak louder than words.

When I am told the 7 year thing, I have asked "and what have WE done about it". The answer was nothing, she thought she could do it all herself. . Have you been happy in the last 7 years? Sure there are rough patches, but have things really been that terrible to justify anything that has happened? No - never a justification for the OM / OW to enter the scene.

For you, know what needs work at the point when / if (hate that last part but a reality we all face) things turn around. For now, focus on you and k's. And don't give up on what YOU want in your life.

For me, unless there is abuse, splitting a family is not an option unless EVERYTHING is tried first to keep the family together. My K's are older, but they know that. They know their dad is fighting to honor a commitment to our family. And seeing their reaction provides all the incentive I need (most of the time). They only get one chance to be a K and they shouldn't have to put up with this cr@p.

Keep fighting the good fight if that is what you want to do. That is a decision only you can make.

(((Hugs))))

[san]

Thank you lost... I needed to hear that ...again....

I have been sitting here running the last 7 years of our life thru my head trying to see where it all has been bad...

I know he was not happy with our sex life...really either was I ..but I just let it go..we were comfortable...

I just cant believe it is all going to be let go over that..when the last three months our sex life had reached the point that we both have always wanted....

I think he is thinking its too late..he moved on...

Anyway..I do have a consultation with an attorny tomorrow...

What do I ask.... I obviously am not ready to file.... I am trying to wait this out ..but I need to make sure I am protecting myself...

I still love him
Sandy

[lost_in_space]

Sandy,

A consultation with an attorney is not bad. You are just protecting youself. I had a consult back in Feb when I first confirmed the PA.

I too love my W. BUT right now I do not like her very much - because of what she is doing. Moreso to our K's than me.

Know what you want. I can see it is your M - I totally understand. Do not pursue - concentrate on you and K's. The stuff with H will not happen overnight.

I have been told this is a marathon - and I do not like running very much. But I am here for the long haul - and I gather from your posts you are too. Remember we are all in this together.

Will be in touch...