Great news, and a good "baby step". It's really nice to hear that going dark worked for you. Did he call you, text you, email you?
Keep us updated! ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Had you gone dark before? I have been dim, but this is really the first time of going completely dark.
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Yes, after the second bomb I was dark for about 4 weeks. I didn't initiate any contact but only responded to him. He texted me about once a week asking how I was, progressing to asking me what to do next and culminating in him finally being able to meet/ face me early June. That was when he asked me whether we could sell the house. I have really slowly built things up, staying dim after that until finally we had our first inconsequential text convo 2 weeks ago. Over the past month I have initiated more and after our meeting he voluntarily emailed me that picture of his parents puppy on Monday and texted me to meet on Wednesday.
We have been at stalemate over the finance thing for a while as you know but going dark again has made him more amenable.
The big thing before the second bomb in May was that he felt pressured andI didn't give him enough space.
I think my H has felt the same way. I try not to initiate contact, but sometimes had to over financial stuff, or like when he needed the info on the dog. The meeting this week was the first time in about four months we spent any length of time together. It was a great time, and the first time in a while I had seen him laugh. And it was the same as you, the last two times we talked were really the first time in a while he had asked me how I was doing. I DB'ed, not giving too much information.
How often are you talking now?
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Well, we don't talk as such really, it is one of my anxieties. We have 2 reasons to communicate at the moment, the house and the finances. I'm not sure whether we would otherwise although when we didn't have those reasons at first he did still contact.
I'm hoping that communicating about those things will make him feel safe around me again and we can build on those. After those issues are resolved who knows. I suppose it is probably once a week we have spurts of communication.
That day we spent doing the house was the first time we had spent any proper length of time together since April! And it was the first time in ages he has released any information about his life and voluntarily spoken about general stuff (no r talks).
That is actually good. I notice that sometimes the WAS's need to stay in the "safe zone" so to speak, and sometimes the financial stuff is just that. Every once in a while they say something personal because I think they get curious, and it knocks us off our feet, doesn't it?
And then comes the lag, and its tough because we are hungry for more information, but have to let them control the flow of information that they feel comfortable to give. I think this is where many people give up, because they don't see the progress or the baby steps. We are lucky because when you are standing on the outside looking in, we can depend on everyone here to point it out and lend support!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
I'm just responding to your post from my last thread, as I have been reading Passionate Marriage. It is a great book, a lot of really insightful stuff in there. It isn't a light read, you have to read it with concentration but I wanted to share a few things.
You said
Quote:
this stuck out:
Quote: but I am now learning that life is about compromise and that while having ideals is great they are not always achievable - it goes back to the being right or being happy thing.
I might be misunderstanding what you wrote... but I am starting to realize that compromise is actually not what marriage is about. Everyone/everything in our culture/society says that's what marriage is, but I'm starting to think it's something else.
I don't think I expresssed myself very well, I found this in Passionate Marriage that expressed it better.
"Integrity is the ability to face the realities I just mentioned. It's living according to your own values and beliefs in the face of opposition. It is also the ability to change your values, beliefs, and behaviour when your well-considered judgment or concern for others dictates it. Putting your partner's goals on par with your own and delaying your agenda accordingly takes (and makes) integrity." Passionate Marriage, D Schnarch pg 47-48
Also a paragraph that really stood out to me was this
"Emotional fusion deceives us into thinking that we're not connected and move away in defense. But the deeper truth is that we have to move away to counter balance the tremendous impact we feel our spouse has on us." Passionate Marriage, D Schnarch pg 57
Maybe this is what some of the WAS's feel and also why darkness and dimness is a good thing for the LAS. We have to feel it to move on from it, sometimes it is overwhelming and suffocating. It reassures me to understand that it is the 'tremendous impact' rather than what we naturally take for granted (or I did) as a LAS that it is because we have no impact.
I also love the question that he poses to the couple who are resenting the issues that they are facing by asking 'What makes you think you shouldn't have the problems you are having?' That really made me think and although I do feel I have let go of this now, it kept me bound up for a long time.
I have just read your thread from the top of the page. Not much to go on, I know. But, I see you two are both dark and dim. I am in this same place. AND, I believe I need to take some lessons from both of you.
JCJ, thank you for your input on my sitch the other day in TwinDad's thread. I guess that is what brought me here today. I see you've been separated for a year. I have only been separated for three months, but my sitch is such that we are in the same place because H is pushing the divorce forward. He dropped the bomb, moved out and retained his attn, all in one week. The week after that, I caught him coming out of our driveway with OW. So, now we are dark with each other, and I feel like I'm having to catch up emotionally at rocket speed. Tis taken a toll on me mentally, spiritually and physically.
Thank you both for your words. I'll try to come back here often.
poet P.S. I love the quotes above, from the books you're reading. May I copy them to my thread?
