Your thought that "give up OM/OW and then open to reconciling, or get out" makes perfect sense to me. You shouldn't feel bad about that.
Be prepared when/if W comes back and wants to reconcile. List all the things she'd have to do and tell her that even if she did those things there is no guarantee, ...you are hurt. List would include full transparency, getting needed counseling on all her problems, reading x, x, and x books, going to retrouvaille, etc. If she really wants to work, and if there is any chance at all she would have to do anything and everything you ask of her (within reason).
