God give me the patience and the strength...6

[theotherhalf]

where is everyone??? now during this quiet time...I could really use someone to lean on. It's damb hard letting go, leaving him be. I could use someone to talk to. With the happenings lately I wish I had someone to talk to about them.

sorry to sound so pathetic. Really I am okay just could use a friend...

[WCW]

You have to figure out a way to fill the time/space that your H used in your day to day life. Some days are easier than others but it is so very hard to detach. Keep working on it.

What plans have you made for the weekend that will not include your H?

[a new 2moro]

What plans have you made for the weekend that will not include your H?

AND....IF I HAD A NICKEL FOR EACH TIME YOU HAVE SAID "ITS DIFFERENT THIS TIME"

TOH, YOUR H HAS MADE NO PROGRESS THRU HIS CRISIS....HE IS STUCK IN THE SAME PLACE HE WAS MANY MONTHS AGO. YOU HAVE NOT LEFT HIM ALONE TO CONTINUE HIS JOURNEY....SAD BUT TRUE

[Bworl]

The truth is that you ARE getting better, even if the progress is measured in small doses.

WCW is right on the mark when she tells you that it falls to YOU to find a way to fill the empty times with good things.

Now is the time to be creative and open with your thinking. While you may not WANT to consider a life on your own, it is helpful to at least ponder what kinds of things you would like to have been part of your life, but are not.

I hate cliches, so I hate telling you about new hobbies and activities, but there is truth and profit in that for you. Take up reading a good novel regularly. Maybe knitting of some kind or another hands on activity that involves you both physically and mentally.

Find the time to answer the question, "What good things will I fill my life with if I never have my husband again?" Not because you want or expect that to happen, but because the one good thing that comes from this mess is the chance to adjust your course here in the middle of your life. Take advantage of that opportunity, instead of waiting for the old life to return.

It comes slowly, but it will come if you make an effort in that area. You are worth it, remember that.


Blessings,

Bill

[MidwesternGirl]

TOH:

Bill is right.

Maybe there is something you can do for other people.

This might sound silly but to make some extra $$$ on the side (when I just had the two babies at the time!), I would bake cookies and sell them by the dozen and deliver them to people I used to work with. Another time, I was baking brownies for a restaurant and delivering them every Monday morning and getting paid.

Or you can do something like make wreaths -- another thing I used to do.

There are things you can do and it would occupy some of that time and it would also get you out there around people.

[theotherhalf]

Thanks for all the ideas. And yes, I am working on that. First I have to find the drive. Painting is the one thing that comes to mind when thinking of things to do. I love it, I'm good at it (sorry, not bragging), and I could make some money at it. But I've lost the drive. The idea is still there.

What I was saying is that what I need right now is someone to talk to. To work through this crazy mess. To keep me from talking to H. To keep me from asking him what the heck is going on. He's got my head spinning that's for sure. I don't get it. I have backed off. I am leaving him alone. I have stopped all contact. During the week I hear nothing out of him. Friday rolls around and here he is. Last night he shows up on the bike around 7. For no reason. And he knew the girls were in town so it wasn't to see them. We just talked (well I listened, alot). He went and checked cows. Then back again. Here a couple of hours I guess. Then it's so damb hard when he leaves.

Totally MHO. If he was not talking to OW, I would totally think that he is trying to work his way back home. But he is, (still talking to her) so I'm so confused.

[a new 2moro]

I would totally think that he is trying to work his way back home.

waaaaay too early for this...this is what gets you spinning. just dont even think this. he isnt anywhere remotely near this. you have sent him back to square one so many times. you have to find away to stop thinking about where he is in the process. or if he is anywhere at all. he has to go much deeper in the tunnel before he can work his way out.

[theotherhalf]

why do you say it's way to early??? H dropped the bomb 4/19/07. I believe his MLC started back when my father died 1/05. We have been seperated for over a year. H went absolutely crazy after the bomb and seperation. That lasted about 6 months. He seems to change every day. He is increasingly becoming more quiet. More like H. I have watched him damb near destroy himself and all that meant anything to him. The anger is gone. The childish behavior is gone (well mostly). The last couple of weeks I've watched him trying to detach from BIL and seems to be trying to drink less. He has been going home and staying home. Someone stop to see him a couple of weeks ago and he was sitting in his kitchen, in the dark. He has started to initiate stuff with me. He is around more, stays longer, and not p*ssed at me anymore. He is laughing with me, joking with me.

What is all that? I'm telling you, it's WAAAYYY different than what it has been.

[Bworl]

NONE of us know if it's too soon or too late, or anything else.

I'm not really sure what the purpose of that comment was either.

And as for YOU causing him to go back to square one "so many times," well only if you are willing to say that just about everyone on this website has also done the same. Again, I'm not sure what the purpose of that was other than perhaps to sting.

The point maybe that an2m WAS trying to make is that you have been prone to be QUICK to declare things as NEAR the end.

The danger of that for you is that you begin to develop EXPECTATIONS and hopes. And when they are NOT fulfilled, as evidenced by your husband suddenly doing something hurtful again, you do NOT handle it well.

So maybe he IS moving forward, maybe he is not. Should not change a single thing in what YOU do.

And don't allow yourself to get to the point that you are EXPECTING a particular response or outcome from him. We don't need a repeat of the meltdown that almost led to you serving jail time.

Maybe THAT's all that the writer was trying to say.

And if so, I'd say that's good advice.


Blessings,

Bill

[Creed]

TOH

Yes, we all have been where you are, and have made the same errors in dealing with it. And yes, we all wanted it to end much quicker than what we were experiencing. Days seemed like months, months like years, years like a life time.

That is why it is SO important that you not try to push things or try to analyze things as much as you tend to. And yes...most if not all of us have done THAT too. That's why we post to you to NOT make the same mistakes that we have.

Every situation may be a little different, but there are some things that seem to hold true in all of our experiences.

As hard as it may be, I do see you making small steps forward in dealing with this. It is very important that you try not to backslide. It seems to take much longer to get back on your feet if you do. And the more you handle things the way you have, the easier it will become to not think so much about it..or about his motives, moods, etc.

You seem to need our opinions more than I feel (and it's just my opinion) than is healthy for you. You need to find your own balance, and rely less on others opinions. We're definitely here to support anyone that is going through a rough patch, but when I see you posting asking where everyone is, and that you need someone to talk to, I wonder if you take quiet time for yourself..to talk to Him... And if you're trying to give this all over to Him, you have to stop talking/obsessing so much, so that you can hear HIM speaking to YOU.

I know how much it helps to post things here, and have others answer and give support and advice. But I also know that this shouldn't be your first /only place to come for it. You know what I mean? Other peoples opinions are just that...it doesn't mean that anyones is more right or wrong than the next.

We have to believe in ourselves first, find that self-balance in our OWN lives before we can start to live more peacefully and easier while we're on our own. You , I am sure, are a wonderful person. Believe in yourself, respect yourself, don't look to your H or others to measure you're own worth. Don't wonder what your H is doing when he's not around you..and don't place any bets on what he's thinking/feeling when he IS around you. If you ask him, he's more than likely going to give you an untrue/partial answer.

You have so much to be thankful for at this point, and when others tell you to start rebuilding your life, that is exactly what you need to be thinking/doing!! You're getting a second chance, even if there might be a few limitations for awhile . Do you really realize how fortunate you are, or are you so wound up in trying to read your H, that you've lost sight of yourself. Hey, I've been divorced now for 2 years, haven't spoken to H in 2 years, and I STILL find myself wondering what's going on in his life and his mind. Human nature I guess, and quite normal. But I don't dwell on it, and you will get there yourself if you start putting you and your kids first.

I never, ever thought I was going to be able to do some of the things I've been 'pushed' to do since H walked out of the marriage. Growing pains to be sure. But I am soooooooo proud of myself for being able to move forward, even if I leave the door cracked abit while doing it. I can still live my own life while praying for restoration in His timing. I'm not putting myself on hold...I'm learning new things everyday, trying new things, and trying to push myself to find a 'safe' social life outside of work.

My kids are grown, so I'm on my own. And living by yourself can be lonely, BUT believe me there are some positives to it, too. LOL After 30 years of always being there for someone, being polite around others, etc....I can now walk around dressed/undressed as I like. I can watch whatever I want, not wait for someone else to get out of the shower/bathroom. My laundry is way down. I can be very impolite if my body decides it's mutiny time after eating(is that a polite enough way of phrasing it?? LOL)

I miss the companionship, the person to talk to about my day and theirs, I miss the warm body and the snoring, I miss not having someone special to go on outings with, to talk about the kids and their lives with. Someone I shared so many decades with.
But I do go from day to day knowing that I am not alone, that I feel very right in putting this all in His hands, and that no matter how I might feel, that I'm going down the road I'm suppose to go down for this time in my life.

You are on this journey for a reason TOH. You aren't suppose to dwell on the 'why', but concentrate on what lessons you're learning along the way. You are going to come out a very different person than the one you went into this as..IF you believe that you are NOT in control of this or anyone..but you can control yourself, your thoughts, your words, your actions.