I don't have much to add today, but I've finally found your thread and just want to say hello, and that I hope you have a fantastic weekend.
It sounds as though you've had a lot to cope with over the last year, so no wonder you are so strong and full of such great advice!
Do you have any upcoming plans with your H?
ITH
Me:34 H:36 M:5 years T: 8 years Bomb: 07/17/08 I want to be separated for 6 months--I don't know what I want the outcome to be S 07/28/08-11/08/08 Living together ~7 months D Possibly busted?!?!!!
Hi ITH! Welcome to my thread. I hope you have a fantastic weekend too. I don't have any upcoming plans with my H, but that's OK- we don't usually have plans in advance but I'm sure something will come up. I have to wait and see!
Ali- thanks for your thoughts about C and expressing my feelings. I really appreciate you caring enough to remember all those things about my family and my Mum, and me reading Emotional Intelligence. In addition to that reading, I've spoken to a couple of friends of mine, one of whom is a psychologist and one a C to get some third party feedback on whether they think I need C/am not expressive etc. I also asked my DB Coach.
It's not that I don't express my feelings. I do, I just do it for a short amount of time and then let it go. If I was to dwell on all the things that have gone on previously I'd end up getting really depressed, which is the opposite of where I want to be. All the conversations I've had have said that revisiting things I feel I've dealt with will only set me back. Life moves on. Yes, it's sad, but it's all happened and there's nothing I can do about it. The only thing I can do is to accept it and live now, or look forwards....C is not for me, and unless I think it is it won't help me (this is from me, the two friends I spoke to and my reading).
In relation to sounding clinical and scientific, I didn't mean to, but I do think that's what detachment is about. Yes, it's annoying that H is seeing an aubergine, but I'm not supposed to focus on that (according to DB Coach), and I don't want to either. It's happening, but if I focus on it and get upset about it I won't be able to DB properly and I'll sink into a quagmire of 'why me?' thoughts (like when I saw that picture of him and her on FB). In fact, H seeing the aub isn't about me, it's about him, so my focus has to be on me, and on finding solutions that improve my interactions with H. I know that sounds hard, but it's how it has to be.
In relation to the DB Coach saying to add energy to the interactions with H, it was nothing to do with me expressing my feelings to him/being more real. I definitely never had a problem with expressing my feelings to him- I was very open with H and would express them freely to him (and really only him). Raising the energy was about making the interactions more playful and finding things we could mutually complain about, like the tube or council tax.....
Thankyou for thinking about my in such depth Al- I honestly really really appreciate it and am touched that you did so and challenged me on my thoughts. You're a great friend- thank you!
Oh, and good point about texting H- I won't do it!
Well done OD on the successful interaction with H. I'm crossing my fingers that he 'man's up' and does something on Thursday for you. The really funny thing about your situation is the aubergine - what can she be thinking?!? Surely she cant be happy that H is sending you so many emails and meeting you for lunch.
As always you rock OD! You have got the detachment thing working so well for you - I know because you sound comfortable being you! You are always an inspiration to me.
I like the sound of these eligible bankers (and I've always had a secret crush on your CEO - he sounds divinge, minus the big chin!). I'm sure you were a huge catch before pre-DB, and I know that post-DB with all your knowledge about R and seduction you must have guys swooning all over themselves to get to you! Hope you are having a fun weekend. xx
P.S Check my thread out (and for all those lurkers, who need a bit of inspiration....) I think I'm into stage 3 'Romance'! Which is a big change from Stage 0, of waiting!!
I've read it and have posted and am SO HAPPY for you! You are my inspiration!!!!!!
I totally agree about the aubergine- she can't be happy about the contact H and I have (if she knows about it), but I guess it's her own problem- the more unhappy she is the better for me. I'm just into having a good time with no pressure
Fingers crossed my H man's up like yours has on Thursday. We shall see- I'm not expecting much but am open to being surprised!!
Oh Essie, I can't tell you how happy I am for you.
Hey thats ok tiger...I'm glad things are looking up for you!
I am really intrigued that he said he was looking at a job up North... what did you make of that? Do you think thats his way of breaking away from the aub (and the sitch the three of you are in) but also, I dont see him not contacting you anymore. Interesting that he wants to move back closer to his parents too.
Sweet that he let out a sigh when he hugged you and very telling too. God why cant they just say whats on their minds !???? Why do they have to be so flippin mysterious!? Drives me nuts. Did you DB coach say anything about that? I suppose the shared complaining thing shows what you value, if you have joint gripes or can empathise with one another, not sure what she hoped you would gain, maybe just an increaded connection I guess.
I thought you were super brave to ask him about your wedding anniversary, I dont know where you find the courage to come out with stuff like that..funny that he was stunned for a moment !
Well, things not so hot for me, but hey, at least it stopped raining at last.. Ali xxx
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
Are you still online? I can't believe it's raining down there again- sunny(ish) and warm here. You need to move I'm just having some tea and watching the Olympics- never has boxing seemed so exciting!
Ummm, not sure about the moving up North thing. I think it was just a thing he'd been looking at for interest as there's no way he could move now- he has to get a year under his belt at least in his current job before he can realistically move. I just thought it was a small sign that he's starting to think about his future a bit rather than anything to do with me.
It WAS sweet that he sighed a little when he hugged me. He did it on Tuesday aswell but I thought it was a freak occurrence! I didn't ask the DB Coach anything about H's being mysterious though; the sessions (for me at least) are very solution based so there's no in-depth analysis of his behaviours, more just getting different ideas to try and reviewing what I tried and what did/didn't work. You're right about the joint gripes- it's to increase the connection in a slightly different way, and it was pretty good (even though H initiated it instead of me). I'm not sure I can do it every time we speak, but will try it again to confirm the results.
Thank you for being so nice about me asking him about our anniversary. I have to say that I didn't feel brave, I just thought I'd try it and see what happened and didn't think about how he might/might not react. Less brave, more gung-ho?!
What's up with you? Will you post on your thread? I'll come and visit you there.....
thanks so much for your email, sweet friend! I'm really proud of you and how you handled yourself yesterday! I love how you are so saucy, joking about playing golf naked!!! Love the eye contact & the hug-sighs, and how he referred to a pre-bomb term of endearment! It sounds like you are being very bold, but in a way that he is still comfortable!
