I don't agree fully with the notion that DB'ing says you CAN change your spouse by your actions. And I should say that I'm speaking more in the MLC realm than the more benign "we're having some marital problems" case.
One thing I think is often ignored when people are called to task for wrong DB thinking is that MLC, and even hardcore WAW situations, are not the standard DB'ing scenario. Even Michelle devotes separate sections to these conditions, indicating that SOME of the DB process will not work as well or efficiently in those cases.
Perhaps it's just my slant on the interpretation.
That being said, I think DB'ing teaches us that things deteriorated in the relationship and both of us had a role in it. While we do well to set goals for our relationship interactions, in these severe cases where the spouse has left and possibly started relationships with others, there is little that we can do to reach a spouse who has chosen another.
What we can do is understand that their mind is set, there is little we can do to change THEM, but there is likely ALOT we can do to change and improve ourselves.
The drama they leave in their wake is created because they KNOW they are in the wrong and they HATE having to feel guilty for what they've done to us and our families. They also feel the need to JUSTIFY their decision. The end result is that we receive backlash for just about anything that we do at some point.
There is no sense in tying ourselves to a person in that mode.
And it's not our problem that is leading them to create this drama.
So let it go.
Understand that is what's happening. Understand that your spouse has put him/herself on this path and will do just about anything to protect their decision.
And let it go.
To me, that is detachment.
And it keeps us from looking to THEM for positive feedback and signs that we are making a difference.
We need to be who we are, be the best we can be, and treat our spouse in as loving a manner as we are capable of and they will allow.
But we decieve ourselves if we actually think every little moment is contributing to either the restoration or destruction of our marriage.
Just my opinion.
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
