Welcome to the Jungle WAW#14

[Caden]

Phil -

I was in your situation about 5 years ago - and used this board extensively under a different login. I came back to it when I recommended it to someone else in your situation. I started reading your situation - I just felt like I had to post.

Brandnewday is so right on. I kept doing what you did and it never did work - ever.

What you have to learn is you can only control yourself - and anything you do for yourself pays dividends the rest of your life, whether this situation works out the way you want it to or not.

Either way this works out - follow the advice of people like brandnewday. You won't be sorry in the long run, no matter how this works out - even though it is pretty hard for you to see that now.

Caden

[LostPhil]

Thanks Caden.

I am listening to BND, and others. I think part of the problem is that I was so caught up into it all. Some of the other posters also seemed to bog me down. I was also back to class. Then I was dealing with my cousin living here with his girls. Plus there was discipline issues with the children that I had to lay down the law. My head was pounding, racing, and I had that damn feeling of my gut going to my toes, and my heart being ripped out of my chest. I literally think my soul was breaking though.

I mean last night when I was playing guitar. I zapped something out of me. I felt like Eddie Vedder convulsion. I was trying to concentrate so hard and play. I had some kind of super shake.

I let her go.

You know it was funny I picked up the kids. I hung around for ahwhile at her parents. SIL talk to me a little. She was complaining about something to her husband. She said he never listens to me, and such. I said yeah well whatever I listened to my wife and look where it got me. She didn't know what to say. The arguement she had with him was about pictures. She just got pictures taken of the kids professionally and he wants to send them to all his relatives, but she paid for them. I said isn't your money both yours. She said no. She uses her child support to live. He has no money and too many toys. She said he wants to give pictures to people that do not even acknowledge the kids or her. I said SILNAME he is trying. Give him a break. He doesn't have a tight knit family like we do.

I was thinking. You are so screwed up. Why are you at moms and dads constantly. You got married, but you never left. It is beyond the story of everyone loves Raymond. She and her husband live behind her parents. She is always there. Her kids are always there.

I said you know I better get pictures of my God children. She said I would. We will see...

[LostPhil]

Noting like sitting still. Reading the bible. You dooze off and it feels like your spouse comes up to you and brushes your cheek with hers.

Then you are awakened by door bells and knocking on the door. Annoying knocking on the door. I get up. She is here with the children and on time. As I enter the living room I say hold on I'm coming. It sounds like she is trying to bust down the door. She has a key. I said you don't have to bang on the door like that. I heard you the first time. I was in the back taking a nap. I don't allow her to come in. She walks away without eye contact. I said have a nice night at work. She flicks her pony tail and says, "oh yeah, I love it." She sounded sarcastic.

I decide to not watch her leave and I close the door.

I throw a DVD that was handed to me and say, I'm so sick and tired of her not talking to me. I walk away.

I come back in and say sorry kids. Give me a hug and a kiss.

I'm just a big jerk. How long do I need to put up with this.

Now here is something funny in the evening. My daughter asked me a question. I said I don't really care about that honey. There is only one thing I care about. She said I know what it is. I said what. She said mommy.

I said you are just too smart, but honey that isn't entirely true. I care more about you and your brother. I want you guys home.

Now there was anoter episode of all I care about is mommy. So I said to her. Are you guessing this by just saying mommy or do you know the answer is mommy. So I ask her what color is the sky. She says blue, but blue is mommies favorite color so all answers are mommy.

This family has suffered enough.

[LostPhil]

Complete utter insanity.

She is in Church. I'm running late, but on time. I sit next to my family. She doesn't even say hi to me.

The head user asks me to user. I said I will do the collections and communion, but I'm going to sit with my family and not stand in the back.

My son tells me he wants to be with me today. I tell him ok.

During the peace be with you, I shake my wifes hand and kiss her cheek. She was distant.

The bad thing is I'm looking at my wives legs because she is wearing a skirt and all I can think about is jumping her bones.
At one point during the homily she got the chills. How frustrating is that.

After mass we are walking out. She is front of me. There are some other mothers talking to her about what teachers the kids have.

We are outside, and I said. Son you coming with me. He said yes. I said ok. She starts this nonsense about his hair needing trimmed. I said I can take care of it. She said I want him to come with me so I can cut his hair. She said her work schedule is so messed up this week. I said what does that have to do with it. She asks if I have sissors at home. I tell her yes. Then she starts saying. I'm aloud to work, you work.

I didn't say you were not aloud to work. When did this become about you working. This is not about you working.

She says it again. I said I never said you couldn't work.

Then she starts getting loud with me. I said whatever. You are a goofball.

I walk away holding son's hand. We get in the car. I forgot to kiss my daughter. I'm a couple spots down. I see my daughter looking at me with the window down. Wife is on the phone.

She is a goofball.

Yes, I know calling her a goofball isn't helping.

My goal was for her to just be in mass with me and the kids.

I would like to forget about that goal.

Her brain is fried, short circuited.

[LostPhil]

I really just need to turn off this cell phone. What I thought would make our life easier has made it worse.

Plus it gets me into trouble with her. I had my son all day. She text I'm picking him up soon at 8. He doesn't want to go with her, but I don't tell her that. I ask her when. She text in 25 minutes. I ask her to give me her schedule, and bring my ring.

She arrives. Daughter stays in car. Great thanks D. Not helpinp. She could have said something like, lets hang out with daddy mommy. I tell her to go get our son, because he doesn't want to leave. I go out and talk with daughter. Asked her how her day was. She was wearing her fallball softball medal and a her uniform. Showing off today.

I hear my son start to scream bloody murder at her. I don't want to go with you I want to stay with daddy. She comes out of the house and says, I don't have all those video games at my house so that is why he will not come with me. This is tearing me down.

I go and get son and hold him. I asked him gently. Do you really want to stay with me? He says yes. I said ok, lets go tell mommy nicely that your staying.

I go to wifes car window. I said do you have that schedule? She says yes, and explains it too me. I said ho, tomorrow drop us off some ice cream. I don't think you should have to pay full price when you are working at the shop. The kids want ice cream for here. She agree's. I said he wants to stay. So just let him. I know you want to sleep in tomorrow, but we don't need him crying like this.

Things went pretty smoothly.

Then I sit here and just fume after she leaves.

This is the part that gets me into trouble. Bad cell phone.

I Scold her with about five text of how I'm feeling.

One text I said stop blaming it on video games. The kids can take the ps2 and they have before. Son says your boring. You just want to be you.

I text. I want my ring. I want to wear my ring.

She text back OK.

Then I text Proverbs 21:19 and I say you put me in the wilderness.

I'm just so sick of this...

Yes, I know... Shut up!.... Leave her alone, as I walk through hell. Give it to God.

[LostPhil]

I can't do it... I'm too stupid. I get around her and I just get stupid.

I call her this morning to tell her we are on our way. She sounds all sh|tty and annoyed and says ok, good bye.

I drop my son off. I carry him up her steps. She is waiting at the door. I put him on the couch and she comes up the steps. She is two steps down, and I ask her if she is tired. She says yes. I ask her if she is taking the kids to moms. She says yes. She just wants to go back to bed. She asks son if he is staying up to watch tv, or going back to bed. I tell him to be good, and listen to mommy the first time. I walk down the steps. She will not even look at me. I said can I have a hug. She kind of rolls her eyes. She hugs me and I tell her she smells good. Then I kiss her cheek. I rub her arms a little. Then I grab her hand and hold it with both hands. I pray silently. I start shaking a little. She lets go.

I tell her to have a nice day and she shuts the door behind me. She will not even look at me.

As I'm walking to the car. I feel like throwing up and start dry heaving. I get in the car and get my composure.

Yes, I know... Shut up! Leave her alone... Don't touch her.

She's dead to me.

[LostPhil]

The pensive thoughts. Gee I did something strange. I was thinking about the exgf/fiance before my wife. So I googled her. Found out she had a wedding announcement in the local paper. Took her over ten years to get married. She went the career mode after me. The picture of her also looks like she is still struggling with a weight condition because her face look sunken almost anorexic. When I looked at her photo. I had no feeling for her. I was deeply in love with her before my wife. I haven't seen or talked to her in almost 15 years. She looked happy. She moved out of state and got a good job.

How she affected me in the relationship with my wife is another story. After her I did become stoic. I wouldn't let another woman hurt me again.

I feel like there is closer with the exgf now. I mean I always felt there was closer once I got married, but now seeing her getting married it is closed.

Well the one thing bad was this exgf left her intimates behind in my apartment. The woman that I married found them after her and I were dating for three months. So my wife always thought I was cheating on her with my ex. My wife would always bring that story up too. Really I was just a dumb 22 year old at the time. I completely forgot about the intimates. I never cleaned my apartment. My new girlfriend did, and she found them.

One time the exgf even called when my new girlfriend was there. I was nice to her on the phone, because I thought it was a bad break up and I wanted to still be friends. My new girlfriend who bacame was so mad that I was even talking to her.

Sometimes you just can't win!

I wonder if I will ever not feel anything for my wife.

[LostPhil]

You know. I went back and read all my first posts and the interactions with the first posts.

I'm wondering what I could have done different.

It's all in you mind really. I wish I would have had the mindset I have now to deal with her back then. I wasn't in a good place. Maybe being here has gotten me to a good place in my head.

I'm going to make it. Like this site, and the people on this site has saved my life.

Thank you, BWORL! Phoenix, AmyC, Ian, BND, Wifey, KsChick, yeah and even FG.

I still have plenty of work ahead of me. Perhaps I can do better. Perhaps not. I do see how she has gotten worse. When she first left we were still exchanging I love you's, hugs, kisses on the cheek. She would even initiate those things. Now nothing.

Is is getting better? Well it is getting better for me.

[brandnewday]

Phil,

So now you have closure with your ex girlfriend.....good, now move on.

What about those goals for yourself?

Visitation schedule for the children would be a good place to start, this will help to avoid seeing her on a daily basis.

As much as you may want to see the kids each and every day, it may not be possible BUT you can have set days with them that they can look forward to as special days with Daddy.

OR....

You could file for sole custody of the children.

Phil, I read in one of your posts about all of the "stuff" your buy for your kids. You also mention that your job situation is a little precarious right now, so maybe you might want to cut back a bit. Honestly kids do not need all of that "stuff".

I am NOT telling you how to parent, but kids love to sit with their Mom or Dad and read a book or do a puzzle.

[The Wifey]

Phil,

You really are doing better. Not consistently yet, and still not always well, but better. And bless you for checking on me, as you always do. Very rough afternoon at work, going to be a better night. That is if I get my work done and actually leave this office. Not looking like soon, but that is fine with how I feel. I don't really want to go home right now.

I was having a panic attack and then I went back and read your post about changing my lipstick and it helped me smile and get past it Phil. Thank you.

I called a priest today and left a message for him to call me. I've been praying, but I haven't gone back to church yet. I called because I need to do that. Again, I thank you for your strong faith. I know not returning to church has held me back.

I hope your night goes smoothly. I'm praying for you to DB with the best of them tonight.