I learned from my H that intimacy isn't always about sex. I would avoid cuddles and holding hands and playful behaviour....because I always thought it would lead to him wanting sex....which most of the time I didn't feel like - usually because I was too tired and all cuddled out from the kids.
Now I know that when he told me that just having me hug him, or rub his back, or stroke his head was enough much of the time, I know that it was true.(Even listening properly to me rather than with only half an ear would have been a big improvement). What they think when they are in this wierd place is perhaps that they wanted sex....but actually they wanted closeness and attention. They wanted to feel special to someone.....and that someone was YOU. At the moment it is OW because he wasn't getting it from you...but OW won't be able to keep it up for long....so, as I say.....give it time. Truly, time is your friend.
((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I agree with Puppy. Anything your H say's now.....and probably for the next 6 - 12 months or so is just rubbish. Let it roll off your back like water off a ducks.
I know when you are hurting it is hard to let these things not get to you...and each text makes it seem so much worse....but remember we have been there - lived through it...including the pain, (and we felt EXACTLY like you do now), but we know it won't last. We have the benefit of hindsight.
As a woman, statistically you are much more likely to have your H return. Puppy was lucky with his W- often WAW's have made the decision and are truly emotionally gone with no hope of retrieval at this stage, (not always but often). With men it is not nearly as final at this point. You do need to give this time.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
I agree with Puppy. Anything your H say's now.....and probably for the next 6 - 12 months or so is just rubbish. Let it roll off your back like water off a ducks.
I know when you are hurting it is hard to let these things not get to you...and each text makes it seem so much worse....but remember we have been there - lived through it...including the pain, (and we felt EXACTLY like you do now), but we know it won't last. We have the benefit of hindsight.
Let's see, my wife told me, during her affair:
- "I hate you"
- "I want a divorce"
- "I'll just file for divorce then!"
- "I can't stand the sight of you!"
- "You just blew ANY chance we had of EVER getting back together!" (this was when I exposed her affair)
- "You're an ass."
. . . and those were just the GOOD ones.
Oh, and she also told OM:
- "He (meaning me) makes me sick."
- "Just the thought of staying married to him (me) makes me PHYSICALLY SICK TO MY STOMACH!"
btw, just FIVE DAYS after texting OM "I love you" and "No one's ever done it for me the way you do," she had ended it with him, was thinking about getting a restraining order against him, and told me she loved me, had ALWAYS loved me, that I was "her home" and begged me to take her back and forgive her for her waywardness.
I pray to God you are both right in my husbands situation. He has told his entire family that he is in love with her. I pushed him away she captured his heart.
I guess I am in a blur.... My counselor pretty much said I am no longer in control..that since he has moved back to OW there is nothing more I can do except move foreward for me and protect my heart.
She said I will never be able to trust and believe him so why would I want him back......
Sounds true...but I love him so much I do want him back.
My SIL told me OW said to hubby not to leave us for her....so she is playing the hard to get card......
My goal for today is just to breathe..... I am so at the bottom right now.
How do you find the strength to keep going when you are told over and over... i dont love you move on.... how do i put that smile on my face and wait..... what if it never happens..what if he never comes home..really loves her
He has told his entire family that he is in love with her. I pushed him away she captured his heart.
Sandy,
btw, your position on this -- to your husband, his family, and your closest friends, is this:
"That's high-school, immature bullshit. Love is a decision; you don't just "capture someone's heart" unless they have made that conscious choice to make themselves available. Yes, I will acknowledge my role in the challenges in our marriage, and I will own up to my 50%. But I will NOT take responsibility for your/my husband's affair, and I remain willing to work on our marriage. If you/he doesn't want to do that, then that's your/his choice, but don't try to sell that 'capture your heart' crap around me, cuz I ain't buyin'. We have three children that need their parents to be MATURE and to try everything they can before deciding to cut and run. I'm still committed to trying that, but unfortunately I can't make that decision for you/him."
My counselor pretty much said I am no longer in control..that since he has moved back to OW there is nothing more I can do except move foreward for me and protect my heart
I don't like the sound of your C. It seems to me that she thinks that the best thing for you is to give up on your M rather than help you restore it. I would think seriously about finding a different, pro marriage, solutions based C.
You can only ever control yourself regardless of whether you are happily married or whatever your sitch. I think your C is confusing issues for you. You should always be moving forward for you....that doesn't mean tho' you are moving away from your H and giving up on your M.
Saffie me 46 H 46 M in 1986 D20,D18,S16,D13 H's A 01/05 to 07/06 H recommitted to M 07/06 renewed vows 09/06 Going from strength to strength
