Thanks for your note on my own post... I found your sitch and have been reading through it.
First, let me say you are obviously not alone in any of your feelings/thoughts. I have been diligently trying GAL but it's a minute-by-minute struggle doing it without having thoughts of reconciliation creeping into my head. I have no idea what my H is thinking. And it's funny, because on post on your last thread by Blue Rain made me think about my H, about how they will leave instead of admitting to the mistake of the affair and dealing with the guilt. I swear my H would do that -- it's his way of crawling under a rock instead of owning up and growing up and admitting he was wrong.
I know it's a hard pill to swallow but your wife obviously had feelings for the OM. So now that the relationship has ended, she is grieving. She is hurt. It's actually similar to what you are feeling now with her being the WAW. I say this because although you don't want to see her upset because of another man, it may give you some insight and compassion into her feelings at this time. Although we get really mad at our WAS, I do think they need compassion. Frankly, I always tell myself that I know what I want, it's my H that's messed up in the head -- kind of mentally ill.
Continue with your DB efforts, the GAL stuff and most importantly, spending time having fun with your son. I think you said you are going to church -- if so, then continue to do so and bring your son. Stay off the weed -- show her you can change with that, and if you are having problems with it, then seek help.
Are you in IC? I find it tremendously helpful to have a non-judgemental person to tell EVERYTHING to and hear their insight. My H agreed to MC in the beginning because I insisted, but he insisted it was to "transition" our daughter so I told him I wasn't ready for MC yet. And we haven't gone since one initial session in the very beginning, which went kind of poorly. I don't believe that MC is good when OW in such a strong figure in my H's life. My C agrees and from what I read in the DR book, it's best not to "push" them into anything. So I'm waiting for the right opportunity to bring it up again.
Right now I know (from snooping, which I'm not supposed to do but I sensed something was not right) that my H and his OOW are having issues. They had some big fight this week, apparently, and the OW actually e-mailed something about how maybe they should have taken their relationship to the next level (Cybersex! Married in a role-playing game!) because they are both married in real life and hot headed and all that jazz...
H has been quiet, kind of moody, etc. A part of me wants to jump for evil joy that it's crashing on him. But I also know that he is kind of grieving this situation. And although I don't know what he's feeling, the fact that he's still living in this house (in another bedroom) and trying to manage the outward appearance of a happy marriage while carrying on online is probably draining him.
From what I've read about your wife, she probably craves the initial high of early relationships -- when everything is wonderful, new, exciting, thrilling and the everyday mundane-ness of real life hasn't crept in. I know my H has an addictive nature -- former smoker who is smoking again, can't say no to a drink most of the time, gets obsessed with hobbies -- so likely he was obsessed with the escape of this perfect online not-real relationship with a woman across the country. He was/is "addicted" to the wonderful feeling, the escapism, the fantasy. Me? I represented real life, someone who gets up and doesn't have perfect hair or the perfect body and asks him questions about his whereabouts and needs money for bills and takes the attention away from him when our 6-year-old daughter has her own needs. I'm not fun! I'm real!
But the truth is, I can be fun. And it's better to deal with a 'real person.' And I'm a good person, a smart person, an interesting person, a forgiving person, with a good heart and good intentions. I know that. Whether H comes around to see that? I can only hope and pray. Right now it's unbearable to see the alternative, but I am uncertain about the future.
So DB. Go to C, if you can. Go to church, or pursue a hobby. Schedule fun things with your son -- take him to the park, for a train ride, to a hand-on museum, to a zoo, to a farm to pick apples or blueberries or something like that. Take photos and capture memories, put them in an album and even share them with your wife. If living apart is a financial strain or too hard, consider asking to move back to the house and stay in a different room or something. Use money as an excuse.
My H and I still live here, together, although it's been almost three months since I found out about his online activities, confronted him in a rage and he left our bedroom. The first month sucked, but then I found the DR book and have been religiously following it, other than two PMS-induced backsliding emotional messes. But for the past month, I have been nothing but kind and gracious, and we get along better, and have done tons of things as a family. Sure, we have D as a buffer, but I use it as a DB opportunity.
Do I crave time ALONE with my H? Definitely. Will he ever give the opportunity to go out on a date with him, or to reconnect? I don't know right now. So I continues to try and GAL, make goals for myself, read Web sites and self-help books, go to IC and journal on this BB to keep my sanity.
Good luck to you. Sorry for the long post.
M 39 H 34 D 6 M almost 8 years T 11 years Bomb: 6/5/08
She has to go through what she has to go through. You cannot help/ force anything. Be there to listen, validate, etc. BUT she has to heal on her own.
I 2nd this one, Bad. "I'm sorry you're hurting," or "I hate to see you hurting" is a good way to validate her pain, without condoning her affair.
The most important thing is NOT to rescue her from her pain. When my wife would sob behind a closed bedroom door, I would leave her for a good hour, and then tap on the door and ask if she was okay, or maybe then I would go in, hug her strong but briefly, and say something like the above and then leave with a "let me know if you need anything."
puppy she doesn't know I know, and is putting on an incredible act so I can't tell she's hurting (but I know she is). Not sure how to say something without her saying to herself 'alright who told him ?!!!?'
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
If not, then just let her be for a good hour before asking her if she's OK. Initiate a brief, strong hug but be the one to break it. Maybe a nice, just slightly lingering kiss on her forehead.
Everyday kindnesses are good too. I used to cover my wife up with the blanket when she fell asleep on the couch, or pull her car into the garage. Not too much of that stuff -- maybe 3-4x/week.
Before I was a LBS I was a WAW. Try not to go overboard in any way to show how much you care.
It would be good to follow those, like Puppy, who have experienced it;
"Everyday kindnesses are good too. I used to cover my wife up with the blanket when she fell asleep on the couch, or pull her car into the garage. Not too much of that stuff -- maybe 3-4x/week."
Lost is right, she has to do this on her own. You could end up w/the blame if you try to do it for her.
Ask impersonal questions and try to be a good listener. By just being a friend to her she may open up and talk about things... or she may not. But at least if she knows she has a friend in you, and can count on you that would be good.
Like others have advised, don't try to rescue her. Just try to be a great guy who she can feel comfortable talking to. Hopefully the R with OM won't yo-yo and he won't come back. Hopefully he's done with her for good.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
So my best friend went out with W. Said my wife is fine and gonna be ok no matter what happens with OM. Haven't had a chance to see wife yet. Was at starbucks today and offered to get her a coffee. I'll see her later when she comes to get S. Praying for her either way
M 31 W 26 M 6 S 6 S 3 Separated 6/2008 Back together 10/2008 All you need is love
