He loves you Jen. That is most obvious. Be happy about that, and lets work on you now!!!
Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..
Hi TD...I'm not giving up on my M but I'm taking a break from the pressure of it. I still think that there is a lot of love there. I don't feel that I deserve it. Maybe it's a self esteem issue which is something I've suffered for quite a while. That's probably a big factor in why I haven't been kind to my XH I don't think I deserve him. When alls been said and done he keeps coming back to be nice to me. I value and respect him and want him to be happy.
What are your suspicions? Please be honest with me.
You are not too far off from what I was thinking. I think a large portions of our issues come from self esteem. When a person's self esteem gets crushed by a loved one they either become clingy/needy or they become agressive in order to protect themselves. I think you are the agressive type. My W is actually this type and you should see the fire that can come out of her if her self esteem is threatened in any sort of way.
I think your self esteem has been so bruised by your H having an EA, that you refuse to truly forgive him. In some respects I think you make efforts to bring him closer (and he comes everytime) and then the pain hits and instead of trying to deal with it you take it as an opportunity to "punish" your H in some form. In this respect you feel a need to let him know just how much that hurt you. Along these lines you are choosing to be right rather than happy.
Now there can only be two reasons why your H would keep coming back for more "punishment". He has low self esteem....he probably did at some point (hence the EA) but since he had the "strength" to follow through with the D I don't feel this is the case anymore. His IC has helped him. The other reason is he truly recognizes where this is coming from, he accepts you for this and takes some responsibility for his part in it. Ultimately he loves you for who you are....he is just taking things cautiously to protect his self esteem.
Please know I am not judging you and I hope you don't take offense. I had my self esteem crushed by my W and I "secretly" punished her for years just to make myself feel better (I was always more of the passive type). It wasn't until I truly forgave her and myself that I was able to rebuild my self-esteem to where it is now. Trust me, when you truly do this you will feel a huge burden lifted off of you. You have to be willing to put it in your past and keep it there.
(((((((Jen))))))))
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
TD, I don't take offense to anything anyone tells me here because I know everyone is trying to help. I value the honesty.
I think you are right TD. I guess that's why I left him sitting alone in the restaurant last night. He told me that he feels like I am punishing him. He told me again last night that one of the resons we cannot get back together is that I keep throwing the EA in his face. He said that I have told him I wouldn't but after 7 months I still do.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
I know a married couple that were friends of ours. They had 3 boys and fairly early in the M he had an affair with a co-worker. They "supposedly" worked things out. He has been the sweetest H you could ever ask for, he acknowledged his mistake and made changes in his life and of course never went down that path. They stayed together. Over the last 12+ years she has been so incredibly mean to him. This is obvious to anyone who sees them together. In addition she has gone off an had a few affairs (that I am certain he does not know about) which have lasted much longer than anything he had going on.
Basically, they stayed together and she has made him pay for his mistake every day of his life (both passively and overtly).
Does she sound happy to you?
Next time you go see your IC talk to him about forgiveness instead of your R. Ask for guidance on how to truly give it. This might even be worth getting a book on.
Just my thoughts.
Jen you are a better person than the one in the story
((((Jen))))
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
He told me again last night that one of the resons we cannot get back together is that I keep throwing the EA in his face. He said that I have told him I wouldn't but after 7 months I still do.
Is the reason you are still angry because you would have loved the attention, time, and energy your H put into the EA? Do you feel responsible for his actions? Have you forgiven yourself? Do you struggle with why doesn't he love me that way? Your not alone. You have to work on the doubts you have about yourself. SC and I are bantering back and forth about this for ourselves. It's not over and you can handle it. Cheers
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
I def. don't want to be that woman. And besides my XH had a short lived EA to which he claims was nothing.
I think I've been mean to my XH long before this. Part of me thinks that I need to push those who love me away so that I can be right when I think I don't deserve to be happy and loved. Horrible self fulfilling profecey.
I was thinking of getting the phone counceling and I really should.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
Jen - I have not posted to you for a while but I have been following. I would also add that your presence here has been a great help and comfort to me, as I am sure to others, and if you decided to no longer participate you would be missed.
I am surprised at the degree of guilt I hear in your posts, and how one-sided it sounds. If I didn't know your sitch better, your posts make it seem like YOU are the WAS. Why is that? If you both are truly working towards healing your R, keep in mind that healing does not happen quickly, and almost certainly will not happen at the same pace. I would think that if there is a mutual effort, if one of you is having a setback the other should be there for support and encouragement, not create an atmosphere of resentment and guilt.
I think you are being too hard on yourself. Take a breather. Let the dust settle from last night, regroup, and start fresh. This road is not a straight line. (((Jen)))
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Sounds like the best place to me. Allow yourself to accept yourself as a good person. You certainly have a lot of positive traits just from what I can read here.....
Actually the title of your thread is most appropriate....it is time to stand Jen......hugs
Last edited by TwinDad; 08/22/0803:51 PM.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Hi Peter, thanks for stopping by with your thoughts. In a way I was the WAS because emotionally I wasn't there for my H and then he physically became the WAS. I don't know what's worse.
I do need to start again and fresh.
TD, yes I will begin there. I'm going to call and make an appointment with a coach. I wonder if anyone of them in particular is better for me and my sitch.
Jen *The more anger towards the past you carry in your heart, the less capable you are of loving in the present*
