Then you stand

[TwinDad]

Hi TD...I'm not giving up on my M but I'm taking a break from the pressure of it. I still think that there is a lot of love there. I don't feel that I deserve it. Maybe it's a self esteem issue which is something I've suffered for quite a while. That's probably a big factor in why I haven't been kind to my XH I don't think I deserve him. When alls been said and done he keeps coming back to be nice to me. I value and respect him and want him to be happy.

What are your suspicions? Please be honest with me.

You are not too far off from what I was thinking. I think a large portions of our issues come from self esteem. When a person's self esteem gets crushed by a loved one they either become clingy/needy or they become agressive in order to protect themselves. I think you are the agressive type. My W is actually this type and you should see the fire that can come out of her if her self esteem is threatened in any sort of way.

I think your self esteem has been so bruised by your H having an EA, that you refuse to truly forgive him. In some respects I think you make efforts to bring him closer (and he comes everytime) and then the pain hits and instead of trying to deal with it you take it as an opportunity to "punish" your H in some form. In this respect you feel a need to let him know just how much that hurt you. Along these lines you are choosing to be right rather than happy.

Now there can only be two reasons why your H would keep coming back for more "punishment". He has low self esteem....he probably did at some point (hence the EA) but since he had the "strength" to follow through with the D I don't feel this is the case anymore. His IC has helped him. The other reason is he truly recognizes where this is coming from, he accepts you for this and takes some responsibility for his part in it. Ultimately he loves you for who you are....he is just taking things cautiously to protect his self esteem.

Please know I am not judging you and I hope you don't take offense. I had my self esteem crushed by my W and I "secretly" punished her for years just to make myself feel better (I was always more of the passive type). It wasn't until I truly forgave her and myself that I was able to rebuild my self-esteem to where it is now. Trust me, when you truly do this you will feel a huge burden lifted off of you. You have to be willing to put it in your past and keep it there.

(((((((Jen))))))))