A thread called "Busted"

[TwinDad]

And I cannot see him while I am so wrapped-up with how to deal with my own emotions, at this point.

Then this is a reason to go dark.....know your limitations.....find yourself and find your strength.

I want to get out of this with dignity!

Picture what that is and set your goals around that. Dignity is different for different people.

I read in a book yesterday that the WAS is ALWAYS at least a year ahead of us in dealing with their issues of separation and divorce, which leaves us hanging in the shadows EMOTIONALLY.

This is a very good assessment. Most LBS are in shock and in catch up mode. That is where PMA and acting "as-if" really come in.....they allow you to "fake-it" till you "make-it". It is also where dim/dark and sep help in that you don't have to "fake-it" 24/7, you get a break to let your emotions out until you can catch up.

Don't be concerned about the time at this point....just work on you. You can't put a time limit on this but you can evaluate your progress from time to time. Until you get your feet under you, your effectiveness will likely be limited. In my sitch my W and I would go back and forth about having a third. She would always ask be "when" I would feel differently. This was an impossible question to answer. Also I feel setting these time limits just puts too much pressure that detracts from the real work.

I understand why you can be scared (these things are)....but what are you truly afraid of? Where is the fear coming from?

[poet]

If I were to 'picture my dignity,' I want to put some thought into this before I write down my answer. I will go out and come back later today and give you my thoughts. Thank you, TD, for asking me to put some perspective on me. I needed that guidance.

"...you get a break to let your emotions out until you can catch up." This comment is so helpful! It takes away some of the fear and, therefore, helps me to understand part of what is taking place inside me.

"You can't put a time limit on this but you can evaluate your progress from time to time." You are so good at this TD. You always have a way of bringing me back down to earth. I picture myself floating just above the surface in my *airspace,* until you kindly point to the groud and say, "Suzanne, go here." Evaluating my progress! I need to be reminded of this from time to time, because if I don't, I begin to feel negative when, in reality, I know I have some positive thoughts too -- I can feel myself moving forward.

"Until you get your feet under you, your effectiveness will likely be limited." Isnt' THAT the truth. Maybe my effectiveness with my husband and my situation will *always* be limited, but I *can* attempt to get my feet down on the ground. Thank you, once again, for you wisdom and understanding of my sitch!

"...but what are you truly afraid of? Where is the fear coming from?" OK, these comments hit home. I cried when I read them. I walked away from the computer. I left the house. But, I came back to answer you. I typed in the question, and got some information from Yahoo. I do need to think a little bit about it before I give you an answer.

I'm going shopping for something for dinner. Maybe I'll go to the gym. When I get back, I'll put down my thoughts. I know this is not an "exercise in futility." I want to break out of this theme, and here is my opportunity to get started. Thank you for seeing some measure of possibilities in my instabilities. You are a Godsend! I'm not Arnold, but "I'll be back."

hugs,
from you know who

[sgctxok]

Do what Michele suggests. And center yourself. Give yourself a second chance at a first impression.

[pisces9]

TD- amazing.
you have been so clear for me and kept me on track and staying the course. i still have a lot of work to do- it will never end.

you have shown me this- but i can be a "go with the flow" gal just like you are with your W!

(((TD)))

[JCJ]

(((TD)))

How are you doing? Are things still going ok? Did you have a good weekend?

[TwinDad]

Hey Julia,

Things are going pretty good, still right on track. Nothing eventful on the weekend aside from taking the kids to see the grand parents....they had a blast.

[JCJ]

Normality is great though huh after the rollercoaster! And thank you for your really insightful post. I love that you get me to see the other side of something. Thanks TD

[TwinDad]

I always try to find something positive even out of the most negative situations.....to me it helps make sense of this wierd world. That and I believe that most people are genuinely good and don't mean ill will even if it sometimes feels that way

[1hope]

TD,

Very well done!

I have learned so much from you.

By taking the time to put your sitch into these "bite sized" pieces, you have given a great gift to countless others.

I will always wish you all of the best!

Good luck as well with the IVF. An architect that I work with came by yesterday with pics of his kids. They used IVF for their first baby, a D now 3. The second time with IVF they had twin D's, now 18 mos. His W just found out they are expecting #4.... with no IVF Ain't life grand!!!

[pisces9]

hi TD! looks like you are still mr. zen just catching up here....