"...he might think the only reason you do what you do is because you are told to do it here."

Yes, I agree, TD. Thank you for reminding me of this. I'm am sure I do the things, I do here is because I WANT to do them, but H seems to have this nethermost-world perspective of me as far as my personality goes. I can do no good - while he, on the other hand, can do no wrong. Although he has said the breakup was "both our faults," I cannot truly judge the outcome of my actions without seeing him. And I cannot see him while I am so wrapped-up with how to deal with my own emotions, at this point.

I sometimes feel that I am a woman of strength, but this whole sitch has me in an almost imperceptible conundrum that I cannot seem to kick. What pushes my buttons? Why do I keep sliding into his ditches without holding onto my own dignity? THAT seems to be my biggest obstacle. I want to get out of this with dignity!

I think this is my most coveted desire. But, I also know that his pushing this, is showing his darker side. I always knew he had it. He once told me that, "I have been known to be an insensitive lout." Therefore, it doesn't suprise me, in essence, that he does not care what I need.

And, in all of this, I STILL can't let go of this deep seated fear that I NEED more time.

I want to keep loving him. In fact, I have even begun to realize that he wants what he wants and is not going to budge. I have all but decided to give him the house and let him go! I truly want him to be happy. I love him dearly ... so much so that I pray this is not just another addiction. But I NEED more time to JUST SORT OUT my feelings.

I read in a book yesterday that the WAS is ALWAYS at least a year ahead of us in dealing with their issues of separation and divorce, which leaves us hanging in the shadows EMOTIONALLY. This is the conundrum, with which I need the most help. I know I can do this, but he is not giving me the dignity of time. I have weathered many storms (sometimes worse). But the thing I need from him the MOST is more time to deal with this inside, and he does not want to give me this. I am going to need it if he is going to get what he wants, and I cannot TELL him this. I'm frightened...

poet


Last edited by poet; 08/22/08 02:14 PM.