Healing my Heart 4

[Rob1231]

Hi TAL, I hope H is doing better soon. When it rains, it pours, huh? Hang in there!

Rob, To answer you, your right. I am being held hostage by me, by myself. Ya know i've been with him since I was 17 years old. We've been together so long its all I know. I think once S5 starts kindergarten, Im going to go to C for myself, I think I think some extra guidance. Wether he wants to join me is up to him.

I think going to IC - just for you - is a fantastic idea.

For what it's worth: When I started grad school a few years ago (pre-bomb), we did several exercises in the very first class was to help us examine "Why am I working on an MBA at this point in my life?" We looked back at significant points in our past and tried to identify patterns - where we had grown, where we were stagnant, where we were happiest, where we were frustrated.

The pattern I identified was that I would be happy, then I would become content, then settle into a rut where I wasn't really pushing myself much - eventually leading to being bored and frustrated. In time, that would lead to some sort of crisis that kicked me in the butt, making me go into a phase of serious self-examination and personal growth. I would stretch and grow and try new things and get challenged and make new friends, and do much better for a while. With my MBA studies, I was working really hard on my professional life, not cluing into the fact that the same cycle was going on in the background with my home life - until the bomb hit.

My goal since finishing school and since DBing has been to be aware of this cycle and not drop back into the contentment/downward spiral part of it ever again!

I say this because I feel like you are in a spot where you need to do the same kind of thing - have the courage to stretch and grow beyond the self-imposed limits of the "old TAL" that has been holding you back for so long. I believe you can do this!

What a messed up day this is going to be. Im supposed to go out with my gf tonight, Im probably going to cancel it, Im in know frame of mind for it. Id be worrying about him the whole time, and I was supposed to talk to her about her "child's issues" and I just don't have the strength for it. I have too much going on here.

Seems like you could use a break, hon. Rather than bagging it completely, maybe you could say to your gf, "Could we go out and just have a few laughs and set our ISSUES on the back burner for a couple of hours?"

[fightingirish]

Rob.. thanks for all your words. When I have a quiet moment I will absorb them :))

***Update**

H is ok, thank goodness. He does have a burn on his cornea but they gave him medicine and it will heal on its own, no surgery. I was ready to fly out there if that happen.

So I feel a little better. I did cancel my night out with my gf. I am emotional drained, got no sleep last night, and really won't have a good time being so tired. I need just to relax today

Will try and set something up next wk with her.

Tomorrow I have a party to go to for my SIL. The kids will go swimming in their new pool. Don't feel like going there either (she not real warm and fuzzy) but the kids will have fun in the pool and if anything it will give me a breather.

I have to run out to the bank, then coming home to relax. I feel like ive been hit by a truck.

Thanks all for your support

[GoingForward]

Hi, Tal!

Sorry girls' night out was cancelled - bummer! Perhaps another time when you're more into it, eh?

Glad to hear H is alright though. I had a friend who once scratched his cornea in an accident, so I understand how painful it can be! It was funny though - after his accident, he and I were kissing one evening, then he had to stop to say, "Ok, this totally sucks! I want to open my eyes and look at you, but I can't, dammit! It hurts too much!" We were cracking up!

Rest up and relax, sweetie!

(((((((Hugs to you)))))))

[fightingirish]

(((gf))).. thanks.. Im really not that upset about it considering what's going on. I'm not in the right frame of mind, so its not a big deal.

That's too funyy about the kissing incident!!

I called H to see how he was doing, just resting. He said its a little better. But its very painful. I feel bad for him. I just don't him I missed him and to get better.

Tonight will be quiet, will try and get the kids off to bed early if I can so I can have to quiet time.

I recorded a couple of "murder she wrote" episodes.. love her, so I will watch that and relax.

[fightingirish]

Got up early this morning to give H a wake up call. He still can't open his eyes. I feel so helpless. I can't take care of him or hold him.

This is really killing me.

I feel so bad for him, i wish there was something I could do for him.

I don't feel like going to this party today for my sil.. I don't even like her. :(... The only reason im going is so my kids can see my brother, who mind you never makes an attempt to see them which irritates me to know end, but they like playing with him when they do see him.

I Feel out of control because I can't help him.

~please pray that he heals quickly~

[saffie]

(((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))

Praying for you and your H

[fightingirish]

Thank you saffie. I need as many hugs as I can get.

[NoCodeBlues]

((((((((((Tal))))))))))

I'm sorry this happened to your H. I thank the Lord it's not any more serious than it is.

I would tell you to relax and realize that much of this is out of your control (even if he were NOT halfway across the continent from you), but I know you will be distraught anyway, naturally -- he's your H after all. Just try to relax and take care of Tal too amidst all these tribulations. We're here to support you, even if remotely, just as you are there for your H, even if remotely for now.

I recommend IC as well. If nothing else a good C can help you in dealing with H and his problems since he is averse to dealing with them himself. Perhaps an IC can help you in finding ways to convince your H to also seek out counseling.

Take care, sweet lady.

[Sara]

TAL,

Even if you were with him, there is nothing you could do for him, except maybe cook and clean. The eye will heal itself. He should have a patch on it to keep the lid closed. That helps a lot becausing opening the eye really hurts. He just needs to rest. When I abraded my cornea it hurt to even open the other eye.

I'm glad you didn't lash out at him in anger right before it happened. He had a really bad day. Did it happen on his birthday?

[fightingirish]

What a day.. you'll never beleive what happend.

H was able to open his eyes just a bit to realize that own father was giving him the wrong medication. He was only giving him the steroid, not the antiboitic. so for 2 F****** days he hadn't even gotten the medication he really needed. If H would have been able to see he wouldn't have had to rely on his stupid father. (his father btw is notorious for doing stupid,idiotic things, but this takes the cake) His father is not one of my favorite people, he is selfish and manulipulating, and thank the lord he lives in Florida. But I thought at least he could handle giving him the right medication. So guys really , don't feel sorry for my FIL he has done many things over the years to my h, which is probably he is the way he is. But that's another story.

Anyway so now im freaking out, thinking his eye is even more damaged now because of not having the medication. H is furious. I knew in my gut that I should have just freakin flown over there and handle this myself. Now look where he's at, I called the hospital and they wouldn't speak to me, so I told H he had to try and open his eyes enough to dial so he could call. They told him to take the antibiotics every hour, (also if he had been taken them he would be so much better.. but he had to stuffer all this time b/c of no medication FOR NO REASON!!.. I broke down at the party, i was beside myself, I was ready to hop on a plane and get out there. H said he would be alright and to stay and be with our kids is more important.

So here I am, I just spoke with him, he's in a lot of pain right now, I will be inflicting some pain on my FIL when I speak to him

Well Im off to bed, im emotionally and physically drained right now. The kids at least had a good day.