I hope I don't get asked one more time as to why in the world women stand by their no-good men. Frankly, I'm kind of tired of that question. And honestly, since reports of wayward behavior of politicians and high profile celebrities seem to surface with some regularity, it's hard to imagine why we're so surprised when women stay. They do it all the time. But we are surprised.
I'm not, though. I work with near-divorce couples. Infidelity is part of my daily diet. I have learned a lot from these couples. And believe me when I tell you that no one ever thinks that their marriage will fall prey to this sort of betrayal. Most people think that infidelity happens in someone else's marriage. When a neighbor, relative or friend's spouse strays, it's easy to give advice. It's simple to know what you would do if you were in that person's shoes. You'd leave. You wouldn't tolerate such flagrant disregard and disrespect. You'd be outta there so fast, you'd leave dust in your trail. And if you have kids, you tell yourself that they'd be better off without a lyin', cheatin' parent. They'd be better off knowing that a betrayed parent really stood his or her ground. You'd be setting a necessary example of self-care and self-respect. Yes, sir, you know what you would do.
But then it happens to you. And after the shock of the discovery begins to wear off, you start having all these thoughts that weren't in your original Infidelity Escape Plan. You remember that despite your spouse's despicable behavior, you actually love him or her. You find yourself reminiscing about all the years you spent together, the good times that you've had. You focus on the fact that you have children together and that there have been many precious family times. You even recall the bad times and how you lived through them as a team. Your pragmatic voice weighs in and reminds you that your financial situation will change. You start to think about the kids being shuttled back and forth from house to house rather than having a home. The pain of thinking about what it would really be like to say, "Goodbye," and mean it, makes you just a little bit less certain that divorce is the solution. In quiet moments when you feel somewhat more convinced that you actually will survive the pain, you ask yourself, "Can my spouse change?" "Can we do the work necessary to get things back on track?" "Will I ever forgive?" And then slowly, imperceptibly, your focus starts to shift. The impossible gradually becomes a possibility. Before you know it, you're desperately looking for ways to heal and move forward, hoping you'll never pass this way again.
So, all these factors probably have a lot to do with why Elizabeth decided to stay. Plus, unlike most of the couples in my practice, she is married to a politician whose image she might have wanted to protect. Is that a sign of weakness? I think not.
Mostly, we should try not to be judgmental. There's wisdom in the idea that you really don't know how someone feels unless you've walked a mile in their shoes. And even if have, no two people are alike. Let's leave Elizabeth and her family alone. Take all the energy we spend gossiping and judging and funnel it into more productive directions such as spending time with our own spouses and children or offering support rather than condemnation to those who have been betrayed.
sg Love is PATIENT, love is KIND, LOVE never fails / DB since 2001
