Well, he was right about one thing, you are stronger than you think.
OK, on most other counts, he's turned into a mean @!#$^@#$^, and I can't think of much nice to say about him!
From the beginning, there's a chance that the child isn't his, I imagine, though it certainly seems possible that it is. You have to talk to a lawyer to find out what the possibilites are if it is his. And you have to protect yourself, and your kids.
Whatever happens don't let him manipulate you. He is alrady trying, don't go for it! He is going to try to play the "poor me" card. All of that said, you can't squeeze blood from a turnip, you need legal advice soon, I think, to find out where this could go.
Treese, You do realize that there is a good possibility that the child might not be his? VH nailed that one while I was thinking about it.
Don't do anything when you are angry or in a panic! Let the dust settle until Monday and then make a list of questions for a lawyer and go from there. Scope out your options and nothing says you have to file right now. Your h is most likely going to get angry/nasty w/time, especially if you file and/or set up visitation and support payments.
You are stronger than you think when it comes to protecting your children, home and assets.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You are stronger than you think. You do need to talk to an attorney about all of this. Someone experienced in divorce, child support, etc., can help you make some sense of this. Protect yourself and your kids first. It's only over when you say it is, and if it's now, so be it. But, like snodderly says, don't do anything to hastily. Breathe. Prepare. Make a list of questions and seek legal help.
(((((((TREESE))))))))
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Thanks for the advice....I need tons of it now....I really don't think I would make good decisions right now....I'm not emotionally stable....
Went to get the mail and guess what.....my H got another letter for the child support agency....I think it's a slow painful death for me...
He picked up son from baseball tonight then came over and came in..I thought I told him yesterday to pick him up and drop him off in the driveway....I didn't want to make a scene in front of the kids so I didn't....When H came in...he started the small talk....like it was another day and like I'm just going to get over everything in a day....I really don't get any of this.....I decided not to stay in the same room as H cause I didn't want to say anything I would regret....D16 came in the kitchen where we all were at one point...I was gathering trash and she was asking me questions....H was speaking directly to her and she totally blew him off.....it was so obvious.....and a teacher at school, I work at the H. S. my d goes to...told me my D prayed for me in class today...said D looks very withdrawn....I realize she is worried about me and what is going to happen to us....I can only assure her that we will be together as a family wherever that may be....if we sell the house we build a new home somewhere else...my kids are scared....and so am I....I told this teacher who knows the whole story....she is a good friend of mine...that I don't know how I get up in the morning anymore....she said I don't know how you do it either but I'm praying for you....I said thanks....
I went upstairs after the trash and started to watch TV....heard the door close and looked out the window...H was leaving...he didn't say goodbye...but I didn't care...I just came back downstairs and watched TV with my son....
One good thing about being back to work is that I go to bed earlier cause I get up at 5:15...I"m not sleeping much if any but at least I'm laying in bed....
off to rest.....thanks everyone for all your support....
((((((hugs to everyone)))))))
Treese
H 49 M 45 D 23, D17, S12 M 25 T 31 01/07 OW H at my door w/proof Bomb ILYBINILWY 06/07 Sep 01/08 headed for the greener grass, Mar08.B#2H has child who is 9 11/08 pos.paternity
I know it is hard, but try not to let the letters do this to you! When it comes down to it, they don't really change anything, though they might speed things up a bit, if that's what you choose. I think you've been lucky so far, your H at least appears to not be going crazy with the money, but at some point you need to get yourself and your kids protected, maybe these letters are telling you that now is the time. As far as whether you are "done" or not, don't rush yourself. Let go, yes, but you don't need to quit.
I think avoiding any unnecessary contact makes a lot of sense. It sure isn't going to help you to see him right now.
He may not have a lot of money but the judge can order him to take on a second job. I think I have posted this on another thread somewhere as my sister in law (the lawyer/family counselor) told me this.
I know how upset you are. Take a deep breath, pray, and be strong for your kids. They need you and you need them.
The Bomb: 08/05 H moves out: 06/2006 H moves back: 01/07 & Out again: 01/07 H moves back: 03/08 & Out again: 04/08 H moves back: 05/09 & Out again: 07/09 Divorced 08-12 Kids: 22, 20, 19
I'm so sorry this has happened to you!!!! My thoughts & prayers are with you.
Take the others advice & don't do anything until you calm down but get your ducks in a row. He sounds mean right now so get you an extremely good lawyer. The laws in your state may be like here & if you go before the judge they might make you sell the house & split 50/50. That is what was supposed to happen here but we didn't go before the judge, only mediation & I got the house & 3 years alimony. I didn't have to pay him a dime for the house & he had to pay all attorney's fees.
Now, you have to be strong here. The first few times I went to my L's office, all I could do was cry. Ask friends & make calls. Talk to the lawyers, if they tell you it's cut & dry & you have to sell, find another lawyer. I talked to several, some were just so so & said we would just split everything (I didn't know about OW at the time) I called the L I used & he said honey, there has got to be OW. He said we will fight, he did tell me I would probably have to sell but at that time I didn't know what I was going to do. He sounded rough & tough like he would do everything to help me. I almost didn't hire him b/c I didn't want to be mean to my H, but my parents talked me into it & I'm glad I did b/c I wouldn't have gotten what I did with someone else. My L's retainer fee was 3500.00, my H's L's retainer fee was 2500.00. We of course went over & on top of all that my H had to pay over 9000.00, that didn't include the initial retainer's fees.
You have to be strong & stand up for you & your kids!
Do your homework! Make several calls. I don't know how it is there but if you call a lawyer & they talk to you whether you hire them or not, your H cannot talk to them or hire them. I believe that is every where. So, call the best ones in town!
Treese, I'm not pushing you to get this divorce, it is not fun & I hated it!!!!! But I want you to take care of yourself. Your H is not going to do that right now. Maybe later but not now & you have to do what is best for you & the kids. No, you can't get blood out of a turnip, but you can squeeze pretty hard!
Treese my H has said these same words, or along these lines. I have been SO VERY sure he was going to file...nothing has happened.
Sit tight. Get your thoughts in order before you make any decisions or moves.
(((TREESE)))) My prayers are with you, TOH
M41 H42 D17 Adopted N14 M22 T24 "Bomb" 4/07 Sep 8/07 Admitted OW 11/07(only to me) OW back 12/4/07 PA on off thru 7/08 says done w/OW but not coming home 8/08 D final 7/09 Moving on and up!!
Treese - someone suggested to me that if I went to see a lawyer, that I take a level headed, focused friend---someone to ask the questions I couldn't and listen to the answers that I might not be able to. Do you have someone you can take with you???
It also struck me that you described these letters as a slow painful death for you..........don't let that happen. These letters are a wake-up call for your H. He is the one that is finally going to have to face the music. These letters are to HIM, to make him see what he's done. Yes, they have financial impact on you, but that is why now is the time to seek protection for yourself. You also have to remember that your marriage, as you always believed it to be is dead, and has been dead for awhile now. Only time will tell if it can be resurrected-----or if you even will want that some day. Please use this time to let go, let him take the responsibility that he needs to take. Let him live in this bed that he's made. What your H has done is not YOU----don't let him, don't let THIS kill you. Pull yourself up. Hug your kids. Look at them and know that you have to be strong and survive for them.
You are lucky, you have a source of income. Get help. Take the emotion out of the process (get a friend to help with this) and get the answers you need to help you get through this. You can. You will. You don't have a choice. When you are stronger, pull your kids to you and tell them the same thing----they need to know from you that as a family you will survive. You need to show them the strength that you have (and you DO have it) and make them feel safe.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
Treese - someone suggested to me that if I went to see a lawyer, that I take a level headed, focused friend---someone to ask the questions I couldn't and listen to the answers that I might not be able to. Do you have someone you can take with you???
It also struck me that you described these letters as a slow painful death for you..........don't let that happen. These letters are a wake-up call for your H. He is the one that is finally going to have to face the music. These letters are to HIM, to make him see what he's done. Yes, they have financial impact on you, but that is why now is the time to seek protection for yourself. You also have to remember that your marriage, as you always believed it to be is dead, and has been dead for awhile now. Only time will tell if it can be resurrected-----or if you even will want that some day. Please use this time to let go, let him take the responsibility that he needs to take. Let him live in this bed that he's made. What your H has done is not YOU----don't let him, don't let THIS kill you. Pull yourself up. Hug your kids. Look at them and know that you have to be strong and survive for them.
You are lucky, you have a source of income. Get help. Take the emotion out of the process (get a friend to help with this) and get the answers you need to help you get through this. You can. You will. You don't have a choice. When you are stronger, pull your kids to you and tell them the same thing----they need to know from you that as a family you will survive. You need to show them the strength that you have (and you DO have it) and make them feel safe.
Me 45 M 25 yrs; T 31 yrs;bomb 8/15/06; moves out 7/18/08 D 18, D 14, S 12
